My boyfriend suddenly broke up with me after feeling emotionally numb

[Ren_dior]

My boyfriend and I have been dating since May of this year but have been friends for 5 years now. He left for the military 2 months after we started dating, but we kept in contact through letters and occasional phone calls up until when he was allowed to use his phone. Once he had his phone, he texted me everyday and we called every week when he had the time. Even though it’s long distance, we held solidly. He is working in one of the hardest areas in military right now and often tells me about how much stuff he needs to do. He had occasional rants about how stressed he was from time to time. When he first got there, they did a mandatory mental check up and told him he had chronic depression. In his area of work, extreme mental disorders will get you fired since they require sound mindfulness for the position. A lot of the people there refuse to get help since they fear they’ll lose their job. I asked my boyfriend if he was going to get help and he said he’d think about it. Our relationship didn’t have any issues besides those occasional fights here and there. I struggle with overthinking and anxiety so I would often ask him numerous questions (specifically about his past relationships) and he would always answer truthfully while reassuring me. I would also start arguments because of him always being busy but we soon talked it out and found a solution to prevent our arguments. 2 days before he broke up with me, I was overthinking and asked him a question, I didn’t like the answer even though it wasn’t a bad answer at all. He tried to calm me down and remind me of what we’ve talked about but I was too in the moment to listen. After that, he got quiet and told me he didn’t want to put effort into the argument. We had to end the call since it was his curfew and we continued to text. Before the call ended I told him I loved him but over text I took it back since I didn’t feel like being affectionate and told him I felt like I was the only one putting in effort. He read my message but ended up falling asleep while typing. He told me when he woke up and saw all my messages and phone calls that he couldn’t find a reason to care. He ignored me the next day. I had to text his buddy that he works with for him to text me. He texted me saying that he didn’t know his intentions but that he felt like throwing everything away and that he didn’t want to entertain it anymore. He said he didn’t feel like himself anymore and that I’m wasting my efforts on him since he just doesn’t care about anything anymore. We called and while I was crying he told me he didn’t feel anything at all and that it was weird. He said that it’s not that he wanted to end the relationship but he just didn’t care. And that he wanted to burn all bridges from his past life and start new out there since it brought him peace and it made him feel calm. I asked if something was wrong with our relationship and he said that there was nothing wrong with the relationship nor was there anything wrong with me and that this breakup had nothing to do with the argument. He said that it was a hard decision to comprehend since he couldn’t find a reason why to break up but he was doing it because he just didn’t care. He reassured me that he wasn’t ending the relationship because he got tired of me like in his last two relationships and that everything he said and told me in our relationship was genuine and truthful. He also told me that he’s not doing this because he found someone else and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone right now nor does he feel like marrying anyone in the future. The day we argued, he was showering me with love and telling me he couldn’t wait to marry me after our schooling was over. Yesterday he removed me out of his instagram bio and removed my highlight. We've been broken up for a week now and haven’t talked for the last couple of days after I reassured him that I loved him and that I’d be here if he needed anything. Before we stopped talking I asked if there’s a possibility that after we both get the help we needed and once we’re truly ready could we get back together. He told me he didn’t know since he couldn’t predict the future but that would be a nice outcome. I’m giving him space now and working on myself with my own mental and emotional issues along with my personal life out here. He said we could still stay friends and keep in touch if either one of us need anything but for now we’re not going to be together. I wanted to ask if anyone experienced this before or if anyone has any advice. I’m still have our future in my mind but I’m also not putting all my eggs in one basket just in case.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

One of the most difficult things for anyone to hear is criticism when you have been through trauma of a broken relationship even if only a few months long. So, with my past experiences I'll try to be gentle as well as factual and see if that helps.

I'm ex Air Force so I know the Defence world very well. Civilians without any taste of that world simply wouldnt understand how that world operates, the stress, the mental expectations, the physical demands, the tiredness  and the commitment is extraordinarily high. Maintaining a relationship, unless highly supportive, is not easy on both sides.

While under such pressure that he is experiencing, if he views his relationship as too challenging, then he wont be happy and therefore it is unlikely to continue. Old saying "they are married to the green machine"

In many relationships the one topic that seems to dominate without justification is talking in depth about relationships in the past. For some reason some people feel its a need of theirs to know all the details in the early weeks of their new relationship and I believe from experience this is all counter productive for a few reasons-

• it can be mentioned later in an argument eg "is that why your last GF left you"
• some people contact the previous GF/BF to gain information or revenge etc

And other reasons. Simply put, a new relationship is starting fresh and should not include too much focus on past ones as they dont generate any positivity and they return ones mind back to trauma. It could be one factor that he would find annoying. Not everyone is innocent of fault in old relationships so they may carry guilt and bad memories, starting fresh is a chance to leave that all behind only to feel they have to justify things later on. I'm certain he'd rather you ask questions about his job (that he can divulge) because he does have a very interesting work environment and they like to share their day.

Another thing not to do is contact his friend to get him to text you. He has the ability to contact you and if he chooses not to then that could be seen to be a personal violation of force. 

Men have their own issues generally like low tolerance to high emotions or drama, this is highlighted in your post. Reading between the lines when he says he "doesnt care" it can be an indication of his grief in drifting from you or his depression. One of the major reasons for depression when in the military is not being close to family and loved ones, that means Absence Without Leave (AWOL). Being bossed around all day is hard to take as well.

Re: "I reassured him that I loved him and that I’d be here if he needed anything."  Unfortunately in some situations words are not enough. While under stress he likely needed calm, supportive and happy communication. It's hard on you because you also have your needs and when you are disappointed in not being fulfilled, that then places him under strain. You might now see more clearly the volatility of the relationship.

Being in the Army is a lifestyle choice that, often results in having a very special relationship for it to survive. Partners of Force personnel are all treated as family like its a world separate from ours. This puts stress on both of you in different ways so I cant blame you for feeling ostracised with a guy that has his attention refocussed on his busy highly committed life. He is training to protect the country so he's learning curve is steep, attention is focussed... he wont tolerate distractions easily. 

My suggestion is that you take another week or two to give him space then if you want to contact him you do so in a kind and considerate manner asking him about his work, his mates and his thoughts. If it will work out great, if not then moving on is the obvious. Remember- only the strongest relationships survive in the defence forces.

I hope I've helped. Any questions just reply.

TonyWK 

[Ren_dior]

Thank you TonyWK,

I really do appreciate your response and your insight on the military. I also do appreciate the constructive criticism you gave me because I really do want to change for the better if we do get back together. This helped me open my eyes from a third pov as to how I’ve been acting in this relationship which could have had a greater impact on him than I thought. I’m seeking help right now to address the issues that I have suppressed and that affect my actions.

Once again, I thank you for responding.

Ren

[white knight]

Fabulous, acknowledging such is not easy, moving forward and getting councillors is commendable. Please don't hammer yourself though, you're human after all.

TonyWK