I dont understand why I'm paralysed with fear

[cv02]

I was diagnosed with Major Depression 4 years ago and went to a psychologist, went on meds, finished up, got better, had a relapse, did the same cycle again, got better- haven't felt depressed or anxious in a while - then BOOM! I overhear that my (extremely supportive) manager is quitting and well I had to pop an AD just to calm my body down. I can feel my mind going down the very familiar paths of undertainty and doubt. I HATE THIS FEELING.

Looking at the situation logically - I am happily married, have a job, a house, a big ass mortgage, 2 wonderful kids and even a tesla. But instead of feeling grateful all I'm feeling is a sense of fear for the future and an inadequacy that I can't keep up with my life, my debts, I fear of getting fired and not having a job. Of going through the debilitating pain that I went through 4 years ago. Change is good. But I hate change. I have to learnt to live with change.

[therising]

Hi cv02

I feel for you so much, given the changes you face, your fears when it comes to being able to manage them,  your fears when it comes to your mental health (how it'll perhaps be impacted) and even the fears that come with how to manage the kind of inner dialogue that can come to mess with us at times. So much to manage.

It took me a number of decades to reach the realisation 'I can feel myself entering into a challenge'. Of course, not the most pleasant feeling at times. Also took me some years to realise 'Okay, this means the development of new skills or skill sets'. Life would be so much easier if we were completely irresponsible and insensitive. We'd be sitting back without a care, not taking responsibility for change while not being able to sense any need for change. Ahh, to be completely unfeeling.

While I used to think of 'triggers' as things relating to what sets off dark inner dialogue, my nervous system and other things, I came to realise there are so many positive triggers as well. For example, seeing your manger is a trigger to feel relief, a trigger to feel a sense of support and reassurance. Their words might be a trigger to help you see the best way forward. When someone's good for our imagination, it's an inspiring and calming thing. So, I've found sometimes managing depression and anxiety is about recognising the loss of a trigger. It's one less we have in the ways in which we manage being a deeply feeling or sensitive person. While an inspiring guide in some form is a major positive key, there can also be a lot of tiny little not so obvious keys that can make some difference on occasion. For example, a tiny little key for me has come to involve perfume or you could say an outside the square form of aromatherapy. Each bottle of perfume I have represents and emotion I either want or need to feel under certain circumstances. '4711' is a perfume my Nanna use to wear when I was little (before she passed). It always leads me to feel calm and happy. Under stress I put it on and smell my wrist when I need a hit of calm. It also leads me to imagine what she'd say to me, while I'm under stress. So, the perfume acts as a positive trigger for emotion and inner dialogue.

I think we can genuinely feel deeply grateful for all we have in life but being grateful for what have (such as privileges and good health) doesn't always make what is anxiety inducing or deeply depressing easier to manage. I think it is fair to say 'I am a deeply grateful person who still has certain fears and who still faces what feels deeply depressing at times'. We can be an intensely grateful and deeply feeling person at the same time.

[indigo22]

Hi cv02,

Welcome, I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time right now. Reading your post, I have 2 observations. Hearing that someone who is supportive is moving on and won't be there for you has taken you out of your comfort zone and because you don't know how things will turn out as a result of this change, your anxiety is back. There is no point in you trying to look at this situation from a logical point of view, this is emotional feedback from your nervous system and there is no amount of logic that can solve this. Have you tried any of your coping strategies from your previous episodes?

I would like to suggest looking into Polyvagal Theory, there are books by both Stephen Porges and Deb Dana, it depends what you are more able to follow. Stephen's books are fairly heavy going, whereas Deb's books are written more for the therapist and lay person. You will learn tools to help you understand and manage the nervous system reactions of shut down, freeze, flight, fight, and regulation.

I hope this helps.

Take care,

indigo22

[cv02]

Thanks Indigo. I have to admit that right now I'm freaking out mentally which is stupid because nothing has happened. As stupid as this sounds I don't remember any coping mechanisms from the past. I just remember taking my meds, the situation getting better and then life moving on. I feel as though I blocked them all out once the situation resolved itself and I have been living in an ignorant bliss. But now the weight of the world is on my shoulders - my wife, kids, mortgage, food for tomorrow, general responsibility. I've been trying some meditation and exercise but the muscle just isn't there yet. I'll also look up what you mentioned.

[David35]

It sounds like financial uncertainty. Maybe your old boss provided that with feedback, reassurance, etc. Not knowing how much your new boss understands your depression and how secure your job is would trigger feelings of doubt.

[cv02]

Wow. So I was right about my manager leaving which I had anticipated and gave me intial depressive feelings. I guess my feelings were simply telling me that a change is ABOUT to happen and to be ready. I'm however coping as best as I could. Normal and carefree? Definitely not. But depressed - surprisingly no. I've been working on uplifting my values and beliefs and have been doing daily meditation when I wake up and before I sleep. I am very concerned for the future - how will I pay for my mortgage, my kids, food on the table etc but I'm starting to just have faith for the future that I'll be ok. And that I'm lucky - I live in a great country with great people and great support.

[indigo22]

Hi again cv02,

You sound like you are doing all the right things to keep your anxiety in check, they are great tools and will benefit you in a cumulative way the more you practice them. Keep up your good habits and we will be here when you need a little extra support.

Take care,

indigo

[cv02]

Ok so I'm mentally freaking out and am pretty much looking forward to taking meds and waiting for it to kick in so that I'll feel the tiniest bit normal. I'd already written this but by all accounts I am a normal person. 40 yrs old, house, job, wife, kids. But all I can seem to focus on is having to "keep this up" for another 20 years and not having the energy to do it. I'm pretty sure my job is a major cause of my depression. Which is stupid as I'm the lowest of the low in my team (as in level) even though I've been doing the same job for 10 years! I'm a management accountant by the way so I have to deal with business budgeting and office politics on the daily. But because of the level of role I'm only involved with a small part of it. Do I enjoy it? meh but I can't seem to imagine a future anywhere else (i.e. doing anything else or a different organisation). So I feel stuck. I feel like I have to stay so I can pay the bills and keep up my responsibility for my kids, be an example for them to never give up, but am also continually imagining that I will get fired or redundant or have a shitty manager or just be a loser in general tomorrow. All these useless ruminating thoughts going round and around my head while everyone else grows and gets promoted (rightly so as I can see that they deserve it).

How does everyone else do it? How does everyone deal with financial uncertainty and jobs (not even career) WITH anxiety and depression? I genuinely want to know as I feel like my life depends on it.

[indigo22]

Hi cv02,

I'm sorry to hear you have been having a difficult time again, you seemed to be doing better a couple of weeks ago. I hope you are still using those strategies as they will help to keep your nervous system calmer.

I understand those ruminating thoughts that play on a loop. I have been dealing with them myself for a couple of weeks over a situation that I didn't cause, but have had to pay for psychologically, emotionally, financially and physically.

So let me break that down for you so you can use these tools for your own situation.

I was affected psychologically because there was a lack of communication and information for 3 months. That affected me emotionally because I was becoming more angry about the situation as time went on. It affected me financially because I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and find a solution which meant paying out money I could ill afford. The situation is affecting me physically because I am having to find the energy to do the very thing that the people who have not been communicating are responsible for doing.

It has been difficult to reframe these ruminating thoughts but at the end of the day, I have no control over what other people do. I have a choice to be a victim or come up with a strategy for dealing with a situation that is beyond my control. I can see myself as being persecuted or as just dealing with people who have no idea what they are doing. I can remain angry and ruminate about it or see it as a challenge and face it head on with a 'can do' mindset.

So what I am thinking for your situation, since you are an accountant and there is always a need for your skill set, could you begin to build a business from home. Starting off with word of mouth from people you know, perhaps an add in the local newspaper or on social media for your location. This way you are taking control of a situation you feel you have no control over. By building up a business from home, you are automatically covered if something should happen with your job in the future because you already have a source of income that you can then grow further. Who knows, maybe it will take off sooner rather than later and you will be the one deciding whether or not to stay at your job. This is just a suggestion, but I am sure you can see where I am going here with the reframing of ruminating thoughts.

I hope this helps a little,

indigo22

[cv02]

Thanks Indigo. I honestly appreciate the sentiment but I'm not THAT type of accountant (i.e. Tax or even Generalised accounting). I'm more the type that learned process specific to my organisation which I feel is absolutely useless in the outside world. I get where you are coming from in terms of opening my own business (ie affiliate marketing or ANY other type of business for that matter) but, especially while I'm in a depressed state, the fear of failure and lack of funds pretty much gets me back to reality.