move into brand new house and depressed

[Resal]

After building for almost 3 years we just moved into our brand new house. Instead of being excited or happy, my depression and anxiety has gone into overdrive. I haven't been able to function for the past few days. For the past 9 months we have lived with my wifes mother after having sold our previous home. Although living with my mother inlaw was at times chalanging, not to mention we have three daughters in tow, her home has always felt like a sanctuary. Although I know we had to move into our new house, the feelings, emotions and this darkness is just overwelmimg. I feel like such a total failure and fraud to my wife and kids. What should be an exciting happy time has become nothing but. I'm left alone because my wife doesn't the kids to be around my misery and I totally understand that. I really think they would do a lot better if I just wasn't around any more. This darkness has been in my life for so long and this new house home was meant to be the answer to a better life, but that doesn't seem to be how it will go.

[MissBenthos]

Hi Resal,

When you’re ‘supposed’ to feel happy but you can’t it’s so crushing. I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience this. It sucks a lot.

I don’t believe that your family would be better without you. That’s the depression talking.

What are your wife and kids like? Are you getting the support you need? Have you expressed these feelings to your family? To your mother in law? Friends? Professionals?

I find it very important that there’s someone who will hear you out and affirm your experience. Life is difficult enough; we all need a sense of belonging and people around who will lift us up.

[therising]

Hi Resal

At times it can be so hard to pick what our triggers are, what's causes them and what they're really about. At times it would make things a little easier to know, this way we'd know exactly what we need to manage. I feel for you so much as you struggle to make complete sense of why you're feeling such an intense downshift and such a great rise to anxeity.

While you mention moving into the house not being the answer to feeling the difference you'd hoped for (which would be so incredibly disappointing), do you think the lead up over the last 3 years offered some excitement and now the excitement's over and you're left feeling a lack of it? Another possibility and it may sound strange but I've found while my imagination serves my mental health at times, when things don't turn out to be what I imagined it becomes a matter of being let down. Even if we don't know what to imagine, there can be the feeling of 'I thought it had to simply be better than this'.

I can't help but wonder why your MILs place felt like a sanctuary of sorts. Did it have a certain calmness about it? Was there something about the design or layout of the house? Did it have a certain smell to it or a garden that perhaps gave you a sense of peace? Did you feel more looked after there? Was there some relief in feeling less responsibility there to some degree? Did your MIL have a vibe that offered you some sense of relief from anxiety and depression? I've found a sudden lack of positive triggers can sometimes be a factor regarding a downshift or a ramp up into anxiety.

While the house in its current state may not give you what you really need, perhaps it's a matter of what will happen in your life while you're in that house, with moving in signifying a completely new stage of your life. Kind of like 'While in this house (this new period or stage in my life) I will find counsel that helps me make greater sense of my struggles, I'll find a couple of friends (the type a guy really needs in life), I'll find the need and opportunity to change jobs (if your current one doesn't do it for you), the chance to start a vegetable garden, I'll develop certain skill sets over time (especially for my mental and physical health) and the list goes on. Perhaps the house marks the start of a new chapter that's now to be written. Btw, can't hurt to find out what's going on in the area you now live in, even if it's simply out of sheer curiosity. Perhaps there's a 'Men's Shed' in your area, an organisation that's made a positive difference to the mental health of a lot of guys over the years.

[Resal]

Thank you.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Resal,

II’m sorry your new house is making you feel that way, I’m wondering if right now if your feeling is just a house and not your home…Not sure if I worded that correctly, what I mean is that maybe when you add yourselves to the house, little personal things you like, like ornaments, or completed projects you’ve been working on, pictures that give you a feeling of calmness, a part of who you are, might turn your new house into a warm home….maybe even start a beautiful flower garden for each of your girls, let them pick the flowers, something that you all could work on and create together….and is a fun way to help distract your anxiety and add a bit of yourselves to the outside area as well….

It might take some time Dear Resal to make you feel that warmth and comfort in your new home that you want so much to feel….I hope so much that you do..

Kind thoughts Resal, with my care…

Grandy..

We moved many times and each new place we moved to caused me lots of anxiety, I noticed when I started adding little things I liked, my husband and children liked I began to feel much better….started feeling like my little space, my home….

Resal, No, no, of course they won’t be better without you, nor will you be better without them, your 3 beautiful daughters love you and need you in there life, as I’m sure your wife does to….maybe 

[Ggrand]

Oops…I pressed the reply button…my post is all over the place..I’m sorry,

where I left off…..maybe going out together and buying little things that you each like and add them to your decor, might help…

Well I think I messed my two posts up a bit…sorry😢.

Grandy..