Hopeless and lost

[dubrovnik]

Hello

i am a middle aged woman who is feeling lost, hopeless and depressed.

Firstly I want to thank everyone who read my earlier posts some time ago.

my sister has been putting me down and making me feel low, I am usually a positive person and I put on a front even when I am feeling down but at the moment I am struggling, haven’t felt this low in a very long time.

This started when I decided to employ a nurse to help look after my mother who has dementia the nurse has been helping care for my mother the last several months and it’s going well, my sister has called me selfish because I wanted help with looking after my mother, I told her that we all have a responsibility to help with looking after our mother. 

She has been saying hurtful things to me like you are boring & no wonder you aren’t in a relationship. ( I have had bad experiences in relationships, which is why I prefer to be single, I have lost trust and I have put up a lot of walls)

i told her off, she has turned other family members and mutual friends against me

I enjoy my work and do well but right now I don’t know what to do, I am feeling hopeless and lost.

[therising]

Hi dubrovnik

I find it amazing just how many over-opinionated harshly judgemental people believe they know best, when in fact they don't. To me, it sounds like you know best when it comes to your mum's needs. Perhaps what's best for your mum is 1)her not seeing you struggle without nursing assistance when it comes to her care, 2)someone, such as a nurse, who knows better in some cases compared to someone without nursing experience, 3)employing someone with an outside perspective (outside the family). I imagine there's a list of things where you know best, compared to your sister. There's just so much pressure being a full time carer without assistance. People can become incredibly exhausted, impacting their mental and physical health, when there's not a circle of people to share the care with.

Sometimes it's so challenging to do what we believe is best. While I'm lucky that my 2 siblings and I are on the same page, the decision to enter our dad into an aged care facility earlier this year was not too hard a decision. We all agreed he'd receive better care in there compared to what we could offer. Our father has failing physical health on top of developing dementia. If anyone was to say to us 'One of you should have taken him into your own home', we'd say 'Based on how well we know our father and his developing needs, we know better than to not offer him the full care he needs'.

Based on my own experience, I have to say it's never too late to develop a healthy and self esteem boosting sense of wonder. Wondering at people is a next level challenge. Maybe saying to your sister 'I can't help but wonder why you're so depressing in the ways where you can be so degrading. I can't help but wonder why you think an educated nurse being a part of mum's circle is a bad thing. I can't help but wonder why you have to express your thoughts about me out loud. Why do you refuse to develop the ability to keep your thoughts to yourself? I wonder whether your sense of self entitlement, which leads you to believe you're entitled to express yourself however you wish, is bigger that what I once suspected'. Of course, a couple of sassy comments in there but I've found sass to also be a self esteem booster at times. I've found 2 significant traits of a depressing degrading person to be 1)a lack of consciousness and 2)serious denial. It's like you could say to someone like this 'Do you realise how depressing you can be?', to which their response will be 'No I'm not' (there's the lack of consciousness and denial, right there). Their response can sometimes then be 'You're just too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. A good comeback in this case is 'Hell yeah, I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense how depressing your comments and behaviour are?!. I trust what I sense. Now, give me some inspiration to feel/sense'.

You're doing a great job, making some tough calls. You deserve a lot of credit for trying to manage one of the most challenging experiences in life and that is caring for a parent throughout one of the most challenging times in their life. There's a lot of love in that.

[dubrovnik]

Hello

thank you very much for your reply & for your support.

This situation with my sister has brought out the worst in me, I have become defensive and upset. I generally don’t like conflict but I feel that I have to constantly defend myself.

Frankly I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown but I am trying to stay strong and in control.

thank you for your kind words 

[therising]

Hi dubrovnik

It took me some years to realise part of the best in me is my upstanding intolerant nature. For many years I'd try to suppress that part of me so as not to rock the boat, so as to remain liked, so as to hold onto my reputation as having a kind and easygoing nature and so as to remain calmly reasonable. Only on the odd occasion would my highly intolerant self come out, usually in some emotionally explosive pressure cooker moment. I'd suppress and suppress and suppress my feelings until I just couldn't hold them in any longer. Then, one day, the intolerant part of me came to life in a way that led me to question constructively. It came to life in a calm kind of way. This part of me questioned 'What are you doing to yourself? Why are you tolerating the kind of behaviour from people you should not be tolerating? Why are you allowing people to treat you in ways that lead to depressing and stressful feelings and thoughts?' and there were many more such questions. This was the time when I kind of declared 'Happy birthday to you, intolerant cow in me. Welcome to life'. Ever since accepting and celebrating that part of me, life has been different. Btw, I named that part of me 'the intolerant cow' because it's the part of me that moooooves me to stand up for myself. It's a part of me that challenges me to love myself while also dictating self respect. 🐄😊❤️

I found it's also a facet of self that must be carefully managed. If not managed it can resemble a ranting maniac with some highly questionable language and it has the ability to burn bridges, cause incredible offense (with a 'tell it how it is' attitude) and it's a part that can lead to overwhelming anger if not managed. I believe the challenge is to not suppress that part of us. I believe the challenge is to allow it to come to life while mastering it in many ways. That intolerant facet of us can be perfectly reasonable at times, offering a perfectly valid and straight forward reason for why we should not be treated the way we are by people. It can be the completely fearless 'tell it how it is' facet of our self that may sound like 'Your comments are rude, thoughtless, offensive and unwarranted. They are heartless, careless and childish. The fact that you would resort to personal attack, accusing me of being boring and undatable, speaks volumes when it comes to your nature. You replace reason with venom as you strike with cruelty'. Oooh, that was a bit intense, hey 😯. Thought I'd channel the intolerant part of me and see what came to mind. This is the same part of me that recognises how beautiful and kind you are, how gentle and loving you are and deserving you are of respect. Our intolerant self is the same part of us that stands up for others. It'll be the part of you that's prepared to fight for the best care for your mum.

[dubrovnik]

Hello

thank you for your reply & for your wonderful support and kind words.

I have kept everything inside and lashed out at everybody, I lost friends but they weren’t true friends,  this is not a good time of year for me at all, I am spending Christmas alone. 
I don’t want to see anybody, my sister has turned everyone against me.

thank you again for your kindness 

[therising]

Hi dubrovnik

It can be such a challenge when people are led to imagine things from one person's point of view or opinion. That's the only thing they've got to imagine until we can lead them to imagine otherwise. Then they can have a much clearer picture in their mind. Imagery or the imagination plays such a big part when it comes to greater understanding, compassion etc.

Definitely a tough time of the year when it comes to so called 'friends' and family matters. I think it might be based on it being such a family focused time of the year. Kind of like 'Who am I going to buy presents for, for Christmas? Which friends/family members bring me joy and which ones trigger me in all the wrong ways? Who would I prefer to spend time with vs who have I had enough of?' and all those sorts of questions. I suppose it's a time of reflection, especially when it comes to what's happened over the course of the year. There can be some positive revelations come through, just as there can be some heartbreaking and/or angering revelations.

While at times I can be my own worst enemy, I can also be my own best on occasion. I think sometimes it feels refreshing when we get to spend time with our own best friend, our self. Then comes the thought, I'd like to expand my circle. A constructive thought to enter into the new year with.

[quirkywords]

dubrovnik and the rising

your posts have helped me and inspired me to wonder at why I let others put me down. 

[MissBenthos]

I have a sister who has a pattern of making me feel low when she's around. I have limited my interaction with her and am much better for it. Reading those comments from your sister makes me so mad, I don't know your sister but can see she's being cruel for no good reason. Part of limiting my contact with my sister has meant nothing more than surface level chit chat, if she doesn't know my weaknesses or privileged information about me she cannot use it against me. It might be worth considering something similar for your sister until she can behave respectfully with that information. e.g. saying you're boring when she doesn't know half your life doesn't hit so hard.

[therising]

Hi Quirky

It's so hard at times, hey, breaking the habit of not wanting to upset people. Some of those people have no problem with upsetting us. It's like sometimes I think 'Can you not feel what you just said to me? I can feel it easily, so why can't you feel it?'. Sometimes I'm led to smile while also considering on occasion 'I think your sensor is broken and maybe that's why you can't sense what you say to me'. 😁

It's like today, when I was having a conversation with a family member and she mentioned how I used to be a 'really bad driver', while reflecting on when I'd just got my license a few decades ago. Back then I lacked a lot of experience and the kind of instinct that comes with years of experience. After feeling her comment, I thought 'Why would you say that? What's the point in even bringing it up?'. Then I realised she brought it up after telling me a family member had always referred to her as the best driver and today he'd told her I was his favourite driver. I think she wanted to set me straight on the fact I wasn't always good. The conversation had a 'let me degrade you a little so you're not feeling superior to me' vibe to it. In reality, my status as a driver doesn't really float my boat (unless it gets me a discount with RACV), I'm just glad my passengers feel comfortable with me, for their sake. I'd never dream of telling her how 'bad' she used to be at something, 1)because I simply see it as people developing through beginning with no practice or experience to having plenty of practice and experience and 2)people can feel you say degrading things and what's the point in leading them to feel degradation?

I smile when I consider how interesting Christmas lunch will be tomorrow, with family and extended family. Most, while being basically good people, can be highly triggering people. The reason why I smile is because I've decided to sit back and simply observe their natures. I'll also develop a greater sense of which comments I can feel and which ones I can't, whether the comments are directed my way or towards others. They're an interesting bunch, all as sensitive as each other. Will it be like sitting around a table of fire crackers ready to go off once ignited (triggered)? We shall see. 😊