Missing the person I used to be!

[ci]

How did this happen how does someone that is so independent so strong and capable turn into a burden to the ones they love the most. 

My anxiety and depression been at its worst the last 2 months scary at times but now I find I'm sick physically I've caught bug my son brought home can't shake it started to feel better last night and bam wake up with migraine worst one in ages. My poor husband stayed home yesterday to give me hand chance to rest and hopefully get well he came home at lunch to check on me to find me hiding in the dark really unwell with migraine I could see the look of oh really what next!

he is amazing support but I feel like my mind and body is failing me and I can't do what I need to do as a mum or wife he and the kids deserve so much more than me. 

I used to be the rock of my family I sorted everything and took care of everyone would hardly ever get sick and push through it when I did. Now I seem to catch every bug and it hits me hard.

How long will my family put up with me I'm not the person they love anymore!

[White_Rose]

Dear ci

Please do not distress yourself in this fashion. You family love you in the same way they always have. That's what families do. Your current illness is not the whole you, the person who loves and cares for your family. Why should they reject you because you are unwell? Have they only tolerated you in the past because of the things you do for them? If this is true then they would not be worth bothering about. But I suspect this is not the case.

You are valued for many reasons. Yes part of it is because you care enough to care for them, but that's no all. You dispense wisdom and understanding, you show your love, you rejoice in their successes and hold them in their disappointments. In short, you are a wonderful person as well as a wife and mother. Never forget that.

You are now paying a huge price for this dedication as I suspect you have become run down with all the giving. Without time to renew your energy you become vulnerable, as you say, to all the nasties hanging around and slipping through the door on the backs of your family and friends.

Now it's your turn to be cared for and for your family to demonstrate their love. I would lay odds that the look on your husband's face was more to do with concern that you were not getting well, rather than impatience. No one 'deserves' anything. And that applies to both the good and bad stuff in life. You have been unwell for a while and will not get well again until you allow this to happen.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given by my psychologist, in fact about the only good advice, was "Listen to your body". Your body is telling you to rest and recuperate. The family will survive and can take care of you for a change. Your worth does not lie in serving others. It is in being the person you are, doing the best you can in your life.

ci, I want to put my arms around you and reassure you that being ill is not an absolute disaster. I know it feels horrible and none of want to be in that situation, but you will get well if you allow yourself to be ill and to be cared for. If that sounds crazy pause for a while and think about it. Let go of the idea of being strong and able to solve all life's difficulties for your family. They need to manage for themselves so that they grow to be wonderful people, able to care for others.

So step back, take a deep breath and go to bed to rest. Or perhaps go to your doctor first, get a thorough check up and advice (which you must follow), then go to bed and rest.

Hugs. Mary

[Lori]

Hey ci,

I'm sorry to hear about the rough time you are having, but it's completely normal and it's okay! 

Even the strongest people have there down days, it's normal and these days are needed. With your family your husband seems really great and very supportive towards you and you and your kids. 

I'm sure if you were to talk to your husband about what's going on and about how your feeling not only physically but mentally aswell i am sure he would understand and love you no less. Your husband and kids may miss the old you and might find it a bit strange at the moment but they would still love you the same! 

Maybe it might be a good idea to speak to your GP about getting something to stop you from getting so sick or maybe something to help boost your energy to help you get back to your old self, it's something that I'd highly suggest at giving a thought and to also be honest with your hubby let him know so he can support you the way you need to be supported.

Remember to always looks after yourself you are a strong person very strong willed and i have all faith in you that you will pull through this and go back yo your normal self it may take time but what doesnt ? Keep pushing forward and don't give up!! 

Stay strong

- Lori 🙂

[ci]

Thank-you Mary and Lori,

Your replies are lovely and true just hard for me to see that feel like such a Buren my mental health has been terrible for more than a year and now my physical health making everything worse just keeps dragging on I hate needing help and I really do worry how long this will last. I don't want to be a burden. 

Does anyone else find this a problem. Do you find that you feel like you are more hindrance than help?

[Chicken_Wings]

Oh Ci in understand.

ive always been the strong one too. The one who does the looking after. In fact I enjoy looking after people, I like making people feel safe and loved.

the last couple of months ive been going down hill in my mental health and feeling really guilty. I feel like I'm letting down my work, my boyfriend, my friends. Like I need looking after all the time, like I need lenience because I'm not up to par. 

I hate feeling like I'm not strong.

i worry that I'm putting too much pressure on my boyfriend and that he is going to get sick of it.

yesterday was my birthday and I woke up feeling anxious again. I went for a walk to break out of it and my boyfriend gave me a wonderful day of doing things I enjoy.

at the end of the day he gave me a card. I opened it and it said "happy birthday. I hope today was ok. I promise to take care of you."

i burst out crying. it meant more to read that than just about anything anyone could have said to me.

sometimes I think we get so blinded by our guilt for not being well, that we forget that the people we love get just as much joy out of making us feel better and looking after us as we do of looking after them.

its ok to not be ok sometimes. It's ok to ask for help and it's ok to let people give it to you.

[Neil_1]

Hi ci

I really just want to pop in and add my support to you as well.  Though I can’t really say much more to you than what both Mary and Lori have already.

I hope you’ve read their posts and read them again – both really expressed some awesome words and advice to you and all I can do is fully agree with their responses.

I really hope that you are able to rest up as much as you can;  your body is at a low point at the moment and these bugs can be very nasty, especially when other things are already getting us down.

Please take care and come back here as often as you want to – we’re here for you.

Neil

[Lori]

You are never a burden.. your well being is important and you deserve the help you need. I quite often feel that i am a burden whether i am asking for help or trying to help someone else but i try and not to think about because at the end of the day if someone needs help or you need help you do what you feel will help you. (Not sure if that makes sense) But it's something i follow, no matter who you are everyone needs help at some point in there life and sometimes people need it more than others and that's okay. 

Like an example - people who write on these forums i never look at them as attention seekers and i never feel that they are a burden to any of us on here .. it actually makes me super happy to see that people are reaching out to us because it's not easy. 

Keep your head held high. 

- Lori 🙂 

[ci]

I've had good day yesterday surprising after the migraine today woke up fine and thought yay another good day well not so lucky. Just need to vent it out it helps.

I'm having trouble eating I'm really hungry but finding it hard to eat. Have to go shopping I find supermarket hard to be in and today all kids with me was so anxious walking in then the pushing and arguing started so I just left without anything had to get away from that stress new I wouldn't make it so we walked  out. My kids wondering what going on.

So annoyed at myself can't believe this is the person I've become. My poor husband had it taken out on him just feel so overwhelmed today. Was full of hope yesterday. 

Sorry for who ever reads this just helps to get it out and not hold it all in!

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Ci,

don't feel bad for venting. I did it myself in another thread about and hour ago!

if you're having trouble eating, is there something you can drink? Sometimes when I'm having trouble with food I go for a Powerade, or if you have some, Hydralite is even better. Just something to make sure you have something to keep your body fuelled. I find it helps with concentration and just generally having the energy.

shops can be overwhelming, especially this time of year with all the people! I went to a mall a couple of weeks ago and we ended up leaving before we got everyone because it was just too much with the lights and the music and the people. You're not alone in this.

how do you feel now? Do you think you are in a place where you can say to your husband that you're feeling under pressure today and that you do appreciate his help?

sometimes I take it out on my boyfriend and then go back after I've had some space to calm myself and just tell him why I did it. He understands and I'm sure your husband will too.

keep hold of the fact that you had a good day. You had one, you will have another. I know it's frustrating. I get so mad at myself, you just want to be better already! But as someone reminded me earlier, this is a process, you will get there. Getting there can suck, but it will happen.

your making the effort and that's what counts.

[ci]

Thanks chicken wings 

My husband came home and took me back to shops and helped me through the shopping. He so good he gets it I think? 

Feeling much better than earlier looking forward to hopefully fresh start tomorrow. 

Thanks for your post nice to feel not so alone