Messed up really badly

[Earth Girl]

I won't be able to go completely in depth because it would take a long time, but I use to hang out with some people I went to college with, but we weren't close, they did invite me to their parties though. After a few years, I sort of outgrew the friendships (I thought they were still nice though) so I started distancing myself and stopped joining their parties. One day, one of the girls in the group asked me if I wanted to join her and her guy friend for a meal which I did. A day or two later, she invited me and some other people in a group chat if we wanted to see a movie and I told her that I was busy. She then sent me a message letting me know that she was there for me, but as far as our friendship went, she was taking a step back because she knew that I wanted space, which was kind of her, but I didn't know what she meant and thought that she thought that I was annoyed at her. I didn't want her to think that so I told her that I was just going through a hard time and maybe we could catch up sometime. 

I caught up with her and her guy friend a few times and I think this may have even gone on for about a year, but I can't remember. I was confused because part of me thought that maybe I should stay friends with them because I liked them and they were really nice, but another part of me felt we would probably be more compatible as acquaintances because I didn't feel like I could completely be myself with them, but it still would be nice to talk to them sometimes. 

I was worried about distancing myself again or just letting them know that I would like to be acquaintances instead because I thought it would hurt their feelings. I remembered my sister's telling me that it's okay to delete people on Facebook, so I did because I just panicked. 

3-6 months later, I got a message from both of them asking me why I deleted them. I responded to the girl letting her know that I just didn't really feel a connection (I didn't know what connection meant back then) and she responded very upset, saying things like have fun. I didn't know she was saying that because she felt hurt so I was wondering why she was telling me to f off and so I was really annoyed and said wow, I don't have to be friends with you, I didn't do anything wrong. She said she didn't know what she did either and I was thinking I never said you did anything wrong, I just grew out of the friendship? She later sent me another message saying, "thanks for using me" and blocked me again. 

It gets worse...

[Earth Girl]

A couple days later, I got a text from the boy (her guy friend) asking me about it again. I went to Facebook again and I can't remember exactly what I said, but I said something like I grew out of the friendship with the girl and deleted you as well because I thought it would be rude to just delete her. (Which was stupid because apparently, it's rude to delete a friend on Facebook if they didn't do anything wrong and it probably made it sound more personal to the girl). At the time I thought it would make things better because I thought that if I told him that I grew out of the friendship with him too, that it would make things worse.

He responded with "Um okay. Look, I don't want to get between you two, but she is a very kind person so please help me understand why you didn't feel a connection there?" I misunderstood the way he was talking to because when he said "Um, okay", I thought he meant it in a condescending way and also, since I didn't know what connection meant, I was thinking, I know she's really nice, I just outgrew the friendship? I don't understand why someone has to do something wrong for you to grow out of a friendship with them. I was also feeling annoyed with them because I thought the guy was trying to talk down to me and I didn't understand that the girl's anger was coming out of hurt. I also thought he was trying to say that me not feeling the friendship anymore wasn't a good enough reason.

[Earth Girl]

(This is when I started to mess up really badly). I then said to the boy "She is nice, I just felt like I couldn't open up to her much and she kind of bullied a girl about her weight in college." The boy then said, "Right okay, I find that kind of hard to believe because that's something she wouldn't do." I thought he meant it in a condescending way again and that he was saying that I was making it up, so I said she did though, and I actually saw her do it quite a few times. (Even if he was talking to me like that, it wouldn't have made it okay for me to say these things about her).

He then said "Well, I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I don't want to be associated with someone who feels that way about my friend because she was very loyal to you so at least for now, it's goodbye."

I then said I'm not lying; she really did do this! Then I waited a while, and he didn't respond and then I blocked him. 

A while later, I re-read what he had said to me and realized that I completely misinterpreted the way he was talking to me. He was actually being very polite and going very easy on me, especially considering how out of line I was. I talked to my family about it, and they helped me understand where I went wrong, but to this day, they don't think what I did was that bad (even though it was actually really bad, what I did). 

I told my sister that I was upset about it all and she said, "Yeah but deleting her on Facebook was probably not the best thing to do haha" and then I said I thought you said it was okay to delete people on Facebook, and she went "That's if they do something wrong! If I told my friend I did something like that, they would probably say "Haha, you idiot." She then told me just not to worry about it.

I still feel really bad about it though because apparently it really hurt her and to this day too probably because it made her feel really bad about herself. Her family knows she's a nice person, her friends know she's a nice person. Even I know she's a nice person and I was the one who hurt her. It's not like I was any better when I was a teenager either. I messed up ALL the time in fact. Besides, what she did was really minor so not only was I being really mean, but it was also really dumb of me to think that her guy friend would even care about something as tiny as that, especially at that age. She just made a little mistake ages ago (we all make mistakes anyway) and now she's probably questioning herself a lot because of the bad thing that *I* did. I also underestimated just how much she could have been hurting herself when she made this little mistake too. I've definitely said a lot of hurtful things myself when I was hurting. I was definitely at least not any better.

I think about this about 50 times every day. I wish I understood at the time that she felt hurt and that I just asked them if it would be okay if we could be acquaintances instead because that probably would have been fine or at least it would have been a lot better. I messed up in something that could easily have been avoided if I was just more upfront about it.

I tried to apologize to them, but they're still really hurt. I don't think there's anything I can do to make things better now. The only thing I can do now is learn to be less judgmental and learn not make really mean, stupid mistakes like this anymore. 

They were really kind to me before I wronged them so badly. 

[sbella02]

Dear Earth Girl,

Welcome back to the forums, and I'm sorry to hear that this is weighing on you. Has writing it out helped ease that worry at all?

If you feel like reaching out to them won't do very much, you could always try writing out what you would want to say to them in a letter addressed to them both that you don't intend to send. You don't have to keep the letters, you could rip them up or throw them out once you're finished writing them, but this can be a great way to let out everything that you want to say to them but cannot.

Let me know what you think of this idea and whether it helps to alleviate some of that stress for you. Feel free to keep chatting if you'd like too, we're here to listen.

All the best SB

[Earth Girl]

Hi sbella02, thanks for your reply! I always feel a lot better after I write things out on here. I still feel bad about it, but it does get things a bit more out of my mind. I've made many mistakes, but this is one of the ones that gets to me the most, to the point where it even makes me question myself a lot as a person. 

Since I tried to reach out to them once before (I think it was last year), to try to apologize which I don't think made them feel better, I guess it might be best not to try to reach out again. I don't think there's anything I can do now to make things any better as far as they feel (she's still really hurt). I wrote out what I wanted to say to them before (what I wanted to say to the boy and what I wanted to say to the girl). I sent the message to the boy first and asked if it would be okay if he could send on a message to the girl from me as well, but he left me on read so I didn't send what I was going to say to the girl as well.

If you have any tips on how I can stop myself from making a mistake like this again, that would be great. One thing that I find helps was when I thought about how I would feel if I were her and someone did that to me - I definitely would not be happy especially if I had been really nice to them and they just did that to me for no good reason. Another thing is I try to remember that doing things like this isn't actually going to help anyone, it will just cause damage and hurt people, and it will probably hurt them more than it would seem. 

[sbella02]

One thing I was always taught was to never respond to something important in the heat of the moment, and to let yourself get into a more calm headspace, otherwise you may end up saying something irreparable. My grandfather always advised me to wait 24 hours. This has been wise advice throughout my life, but of course it isn't always realistic in person. Texting may be different though, as there's often less of an expectation for you to respond to somebody immediately.

Thus, it is quite easy to tell someone over text, "hey, I'm not in the best headspace to respond right now, give me a day and I'll reply with more rationality", or something to that effect. It is perfectly reasonable to wait to have difficult conversations if you're going to have them over text, or even to prioritise having these in person where possible.

Then, when it comes time to have those difficult conversations in the future, there are several things to consider:

• What you're actually feeling explicitly, and possibly why (if necessary)
• What you ultimately want the outcome of the situation to be (e.g.: overcoming something to become better friends, ending the friendship, etc.)
• Giving the other person the opportunity to listen and respond to what you've said
• Listening openly and empathetically to their response

This can help guide what you want to say. If you're interested, have a look into assertiveness training and that can really help inform those kind of conversations if you're struggling to express how you're feeling.

I'm also a big fan of writing letters that I never intend to send to people, in the absence of being able to actually speak with them. It helps to express those repressed emotions and may even help avoid saying things that you don't necessarily mean or that would be hurtful.

Of course, we don't always mean to say hurtful things, but it is a lot easier to say hurtful things when we ourselves are hurt. That's why it's so important to be able to regulate those emotions in healthy ways, so that our relationships with others do not suffer as a result. 

I hope this helps. Emotional regulation can be challenging. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself optimal time and space to practice. 

And ultimately, only you can decide whether or not you want to reach out to them again, or whether you're happy to take this situation in your stride and let this be a moment of learning and growth instead.

SB

[Earth Girl]

That's great advice! Next time I'm in a situation like that, I will try to let them know that I'm not in a good headspace at the moment to respond right away and then I can think over things as well as re-read what they have said to me to see if I misinterpreted them and their feelings and try to see it from their point of view as well. 

I'll definitely try my best to learn and grow from this because I don't want to respond like that to someone again.

Thanks so much SB. 🙂