Meaning

[vex666]

Hello friend. This is my second post on this forum.

I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just be direct. It feels like I've got the ball rolling; sorry about my use of banality. I feel there is a still a sense of purposelessness, are we in a chaotic universe where we just exist and die or a cosmic universe where everything happens by some sense of meaning?

But yet, I can't see a grey in this answer.

I've spent so much time playing video games and it feels like I have been deprived from experience. I have no social skills and for some absurd reason, I never had my education as high priority. I'd rather sit and play video games and hope the world forgets me. Love, feelings, thought, physical, conscious, experience, history; nothing matters. For years, I've tried to come to terms with this, Albert Camus had a philosophic book and view that the world is absurd and finding meaning will only drag you down.

No matter how much I try, is any effort actually worth it? I'm not here to say I want to hurt myself, in fact, the opposite. I want to thrive in this world. I'm just so anxious about this place where we live and it feels people force meaning into things when in reality it does not matter.

Everywhere I look, they are either this or that, left or right, rich or poor, soccer or football. I am not unique, I'm a simpleton, I follow my favorite team, I say soccer and not football.

I am my worst enemy and I cannot find peace. I want to thrive but all I do is think, anxious thoughts turn into depression and depression turns into anxious thoughts.

[Alexlisa]

Hello Vex666,

It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts going through your head and it might help to have someone to talk your it out with. I don’t know your age, and I don’t want to sound like a cliche, but I believe it’s never too late to make big changes in our life. I’ve spent many years cutting myself off from the world. I don’t have friends or a job and often feel like things will never change. It’s been hard, but I’ve started taking (very) small steps to improve my life. Particularly trying to connect and spend time around other people. I feel like it’s been helping a lot to decrease the amount of circling thoughts in my head. Like somehow the point of life seems a bit clearer when I’m around others. Not that they’re a distraction, but that there is wonder and a kind of energy generated when we connect with someone else. It’s kind of hard to explain, but as much as I love spending time alone, it’s not something that I can create on my own.

You posted your message in the depression thread so I was wondering if you’re getting any treatment for depression or anxiety? It can be so difficult to see meaning in life and believe we can make change when we’re depressed or anxious. Like I said, it sounds like you have lots to say, so it might be helpful to see a psychologist. They will be able to help you sort through your thoughts, help you identify what’s meaningful for you and then work towards it. They can also help you to develop skills to manage anxiety and depression, if that’s needed. I find your thinking really interesting and it’s an obvious strength of yours that you can think in such a deep way. But I know (from my own experiences also) that this can be quite debilitating at times when we feel trapped without answers or relief.

Please think about reaching out, or at least keep messaging here on the forums. Take care

Alexlisa

[SammyB]

Hi vex666,

You reflect on some big questions that I think we all may come across during different stages of our lives, especially when trying to seek answers to why things the way they are and or if there's deeper meaning behind our experiences. I’ve check back on your previous post ‘Patheticism’ and noticed that you have set a goal to study a degree and challenge yourself to do things you would otherwise say no to. May I ask what the last few months have looked like for you?

I hear that you’re struggling to find purpose in life and be motivated to be open to new experiences while at the same time, you feel the desire to thrive. I recognise that this must be a constant mental battle for you as you’ve mentioned there’s no grey area – leaving you stuck in a cycle of anxious thinking and depression. Would that be a fair observation?

Looking back to your older post it sounds like you have made a conscious choice to remove yourself from others based on some difficult life experiences, while video games have acted as a way to cope with some overwhelming feelings. Apologies if bringing this up is upsetting for you. Video games can offer an escape from your mind, but it may be helpful to look to ways to actually tackle these thoughts – writing here can hopefully offer you more relief and a network of support to work through things. As for being your worst enemy, this can be quite difficult especially when viewing things in extremes or as ‘this or that’ as you've explained, which is quite normal for anyone experiencing anxiety or depression. As Alexlisa has mentioned, a psychologist will be able to assist you with understanding and re-framing these thoughts and feelings. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in particular has been found to offer practical ways to challenge negative thoughts and behaviours – might be an option for you? I admire your insightful posts, thanks for sharing.

Sammy

[vex666]

Hello Alexlisa, thank you for your reply!

I am currently 22. I've read a long time ago that mastering the basics of any skill-set will allow you to become adept. I think this is how STEM is taught in schools or any particular subject such as mathematics. I've been trying to develop skills that help me transition to adulthood because honestly it feels I never have. I never cared for high-school which I regret immensely - it was so embarrassing that I had to teach myself basic mathematics such as division during adulthood. Recently, a friend I met at TAFE, we were working out the cost of living in a two-bedroom apartment. We worked out that it would be about $430 EACH a fortnight excluding transport cost, insurance, car-rego and food. I thought this was my way out to independence because all my adult-life, it feels like I have relied on other people. But, unfortunately this crossroad isn't realistic without a job; one of the reasons why I'm so down right now.

I have had previous attempts on psychologist and grief counselors. It did bring me out of my comfort zone but I rarely spoke about real issues. Without tackling these issues, then what's the point? I haven't been since the beginning of 2017 I believe.

I'm not on any medication but I do vices arbitrarily - usually in social situations that I try and fit in. The introvert I am, it always feels like I'm a piece of a puzzle that doesn't seem to fit anywhere. For example, everybody will be having drinks and they just want to talk about politics. Why does it even matter? Even if you state your opinion, you're only going to be belittled or forced into a "group".

I'll see if I can afford a psychologist again. Thanks again for your reply.

[vex666]

Hello Sammy, thanks for your reply, too.

Thanks for checking up on my last thread. Currently, I'm fixing the course I failed in. I passed last term, now I only have one more to go until I get my diploma. After some reflection, I'm not sure how I will do the Computer Science course. I would need to move out and as stated above to my reply to Alexlisa, cost of living is a problem.

SammyB said: I hear that you’re struggling to find purpose in life and be motivated to be open to new experiences while at the same time, you feel the desire to thrive. I recognise that this must be a constant mental battle for you as you’ve mentioned there’s no grey area – leaving you stuck in a cycle of anxious thinking and depression. Would that be a fair observation?

I think there is no social grey area such as belief systems. There are so many questions and answers, but what is in the middle? I'm not even talking about religion or politics here. I want to learn so much and understand how the world works. How does STEM work? But, I wish people would stop talking and listen to each other. Who cares about IQ or race or whatever. But it seems, so many people do. I'm not sure why it affects me so much but it does.

I'll have a look into CBT, cheers.

Thank you Alexlisa and Sammy for your support!

[Draven_J]

"Life to me Is not about Casual Non Benefit, Guaranteed Shift, Median Wage and Depleting Soulless Work, With Un appreciative Colleague's and Over Bearing Bosse's, It's supposed to be about Individualism and Personal Gradual Direction towards what you Love Instead of what other's think, wither Family or especially Stranger's, It's not to be Conventional and Fake for what would be your 2nd Settle Occupational Preference, No Matter If your Goal's will be Achieved Sooner or Later, or Even after 10 Year's, Life Should be a Personal Selfish Direction, with Giving Selfless Advice to other's while Receiving It back too"

"It's Incredibly Un Attractive how Society need's to Read Book's for this Realization rather than Ponder the Obvious Truth"

[therising]

Hi vex666

It sounds to me like you're becoming more wonderful. You wonder about so much, the trait of a natural philosopher. While becoming more wonderful has many benefits, there can also be a down side not a lot of people talk about.

The up side

• I wonder what would lead me to feel more energetic, more excited, more alive. You research passionately and you eventually find more energy and excitement through your sense of wonder
• I wonder what would lead me to feel true inspiration. You seek inspiration and find it and feel it in the most mind altering uplifting ways. Such wonder leads you to find inspiration

The list goes on.

Now, the down side. Wonder can wake you up to what's 'wrong' with this world.

• I wonder why people have to label everything and everyone. it's not fair. You wake up to the unfairness of it all, which can feel intolerable
• I wonder why school is so boring and uninspiring. Why are there only a handful of enthusiastic and inspiring teachers in the system? You wake up to the fact the system is broken
• I wonder why this generation is so misled, depressed and/or intolerant. When you wake up to find there are very few solid leaders for a generation which holds the potential to be the most brilliant generation in history, this can feel depressing

The philosopher in you can say 'I can clearly see what's wrong with this world'. The sensitive in you may say 'I feel so deeply all that's wrong with this world' (this can feel depressing). The warrior and visionary in you may say 'I will fight to make things right in this world or fight for what is right'.

A philosopher, a wonderer, a questioner (such as yourself) cannot settle for what they sense is not right. Do you feel you can no longer 'settle for less'? From personal experience, this can feel incredibly unsettling, especially when there aren't a lot of people in your life who can lead you in the direction you most desire.

Can't help but wonder whether you'd thrive in an environment full of open minded inspirational philosophers who do not judge but instead evolve through raising each other's consciousness.

🙂