Hi, sorry if this is a long post and if it doesn’t make too much sense and I’m bouncing from topic to topic.
age 16 I was put on antidepressants & antipsychotics due to major depression and psychotic symptoms. Over the 15 years (I’m 31 now, nearly 32) I’ve been on many antidepressants which I felt just made me worse. Before starting them I never had an attempt on my own life, and not long after starting them I had my first attempt. It’s like my whole personality changed on them, I became this angry, impulsive, chronically suicidal girl for 15 years. Many hospital visits with so many different diagnosis’ from so many different doctors. I got schizoaffective disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, major depression, anxiety, bpd, cptsd, antisocial personality disorder (which I think is the biggest misdiagnosis of them all), bipolar a couple of times there, but nothing really 100% sticked, mainly it was schizoaffective or bpd. I’ve also been diagnosed with autism in 2016, got the offical diagnosis which cost a lot.
In June last year I gave up completely and stopped antidepressants and antipsychotics, I was on them for 15 years. Obviously not the same med for 15 years but tried many.I stopped both medications suddenly, which I now understand wasn’t safe. I experienced some really difficult withdrawal effects for a few months, was in hospital for a severe depressive episode the first few weeks off them, couldn’t even eat and had to have a feeding tube. But after a few months off them it was like I was a different person, like my whole personality changed. My suicidal impulsiveness was gone, intense anger gone. No therapy or anything. I’m just different. It was definitely the antidepressants that made me feel worse mentally, very dull but all that came out was anger, antipsychotics made me quite physically unwell that’s why I stopped them. I’ve been off them a year now. I have deep depressive episodes, some last weeks, some last a couple of months or more. I don’t shower, look after myself, lay in bed, cancel all my community supports and appointments, I’m losing weight fast, don’t find enjoyment in the sport I play anymore when in an episode, and it’s the only thing I enjoy in life, also experience suicidal thoughts that become really difficult to manage, and often find myself feeling overwhelmed and withdrawn. But I’ve also been having what I call ‘high periods’. I come out of my deep depression and then I don’t sleep at all, am impulsive with spending, my poor bank card declines a lot now :(, I have a lot of energy, last week I decided to clean my bathroom randomly, then my kitchen, then my whole house, just went on a huge cleaning spree, I play loud outgoing music, I went online looking for jobs to apply for, I also applied for a tafe course. I’ve realised I’ve actually being doing this kind of stuff for years, eg a couple of years ago I spent over $4000 on after pay, which my brother paid off for me and I’m still paying him back. I’d get random hobbies/interests for them not to last, eg I’ve tried motocross, bmx (just bought a bike never did it) a $3000 electric drum kit (never used). I just have all these great ideas and lots of energy when I’m high, no need for sleep, apparently I annoy everyone because I talk fast and switch between subjects, and message my sister online in the middle of the night taking and sending so many messages on different subjects before she can even answer. The high can last from anywhere between 5 days to a week or even more, depressive episodes are 2 weeks or more, usually longer for me. Right now I’ve come out of my high that lasted about 11 days (I bought 4 lotto tickets for the same draw last week because I was 100% convinced I was going to win) I’m now not high nor majorly depressed just in the middle, I wonder what’s next deep depression for weeks or back to being high with no sleep or money? I was just wondering if this sounds like bipolar 2, as I knew antidepressants made me worse and they can make bipolar (diagnosed or undiagnosed) worse as I just found out. I’m seeing a medical dr next Tuesday, he’s never seen me before, he works at a community mental health clinic, I have to get an ecg from my gp before I see him because apparently they want to put me on antidepressants (they only know about my major depression episodes) that’s why I’m going there because people have flagged my deep depression and want me to get help for it. But I’m seeing other issues here. Could it be bipolar 2? And antidepressants for 15 years kind of made it worse and now it’s showing it’s true colours?
sorry if this is too long, just looking for info/advice
thanks!!!
