Marriage separation and blended family issues

[Blended_agony]

I’m really struggling since my husband kicked me out for the second time and took away my keys to the house so I couldn’t return 😪 I hVe since moved out with my kids

i have felt so broken since and I am so up and down with my mood when we were together I had a lot of issues with my step son who is 10 he would be so rude roll his eyes at me back chat me and talk to me like crap and I was constantly arguing with him and my husband would never say anything. I get like I had no support from him my step son just doesn’t like being told no plain and simple and would constantly lie about everything ! Everyday was a struggle and if it went on for too long I would start to be quite horrible towards him cause I’ve teached my limit and when I would finally crack it and say something to my husband about the way his son had been towards me he would just say well your speaking to him like crap so I’ve been letting him speak to you like it !!!

This has been going on for so many years I even took him on with my other 3 kids in my home town for 18months as my husband couldn’t look after him cause of his work and his sister had left town

I had 5 kids in the house to look after my 16yr old his 7yr old daughter his 10yr old son and our 3 yr old and 1 Yr old , he would come home sit on couch and be on his phone I felt like I had no support and got so stressed daily

he tells me I’m getting big or putting on weight I ask him to stop he tells me he doesn’t care how much I put on he wouldn’t love me all the same

he checks out the fit mums in front in me constantly talks about other woman r says he would like me to feel jealous cause that app would make me want him more

if I want to go away for weekend to see my girlfriend back home he would crack it and make me feel bad cause he is left at home alone

I’m trying to fix things but things just don’t seem to be getting any better apart he needs my help with his kids as his parents have gone up north now and I’m going straight back to being stressed with his son and he doesn’t say anything I’m crying all the time and I feel very aggressive

I hVe been on medication for years and years I’ve decided before I was kicked out to try another drug cause I thought maybe it wasn’t working so dr put me on another medication now  and I just feel quick to anger and I feel like I just cry all the time and am up and down constantly

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Ive got views but it isnt such good news.

In my 20's I was a step dad to a young boy for 7 years. Even at 2-8yo we had a hot and cold relationship.

In my 30's I had 2 daughters.

In my 40's I was step dad to two teens. They adored me and I them. My partner however was jealous of my kids so was a poor step mum. My kids also had a step dad and he and them got on well.

So now I've remarried and she was my kids favourite auntie by marriage for 20 years. She is now "mum" to my eldest, a very close relationship.

The moral of the story is, the Brady bunch does not exist. The likelihood of a step parent situation working out is a lucky dip, 50/50 perhaps less.

The real problem is the complex issues the children have accepting their step parent that is compounded by other feeling from the adults. As a step parent your judgement of your step child could be justified but poor behaviour of the child is more complex than just poor behaviour. Often the child will sacrifice harmony, discipline etc just because he doesnt want his dad to be with you etc.

In my view you are in for a wild ride if you reunite, even once the children are grown.

I've long believed that step parent situations work when the following or a combination occurs -

• The child is drawn to the step parent due to a situation (eg death of the other parent)
• the step parent is a natural that adores the child and has the time to devote to them (being a close friend)
• There are no other children involved

And so on.

Unfortunately compatibility isnt just important with your new partner/spouse, it is with the children too. Early in my 10 year defacto relationship I should have seen the warning signs. My partner didnt warm to my girls. I wish I called it quits within 2 years but tried for 10. It is clear now it was never going to work.

To make yours work would need heavy sessions in counseling but it is likely too late. You can try Relationships Australia. Clearly you both need boundaries and teamwork with those boundaries. What I do know is discipline from a step parent will not work which makes it hard but thats the way it is. To make it work you need to make him feel inclusive, encouraged and praised a lot. However, sorry to say, it still might not work. Such actions make the step parent feel like they can only spoil the child to get harmony.

In the meantime a future just with you and your kids for some time might be a blessing in disguise.

Focus on your health.

TonyWK

[Blended_agony]

Hi Tony

thankyou so much for your great reply

it gave me a bit of clarity I think I know deep down I think I know it’s not going to work 😪 but I’m trying not to believe it

im scared that my psychologist is going to tell me I’m better off not being with my husband

this is my second marriage and I just feel like I’ve just failed , before I met my husband I had a house I owned a great job , car I owned he had a hilux on loan and rented a work house I re mortgaged my house and I ended up paying out his hilux and gave him 20k for a boat o sold my house after I got married and now after 2 separations from him I have nothing I feel like I gave up everything for nothing now

I was so in love and am suppose to be living happily married but I’m mentally and emotionally drained I’ve never been this low and I went thru a messy divorce the first time and still go thru mental abuse from my ex husband to this day after 11 years

we separated in 2017 for bout 3 months but I ended up pining and wanting him back in my life tjen to find out he had been sleeping with another woman I was so devesteated but I had to let it go as we weren’t together at the time he said he was trying to forget me it still hurts a bit to this day and he cried when he told me so I can’t hold it against him

he is quite controlling it’s his way or the highway and is very opinionated and he likes to push his opinion

I’ve ended up worrying about telling him stuff of fear he will spit it at me we don’t communicate very well only via text really so between my issues with his son and the way he is I’m feel so heavy hearted and confused and I honestly don’t know what to do

I just want to feel happy like I use to but I just feel so broken

and if I have to call it quits I’m so worried I’m not going to be able to let go as I’m a mess already 😪😪

[white knight]

Hi BA

Im glad you took my post as meaningful as ofyen a truthful reply can be taken with offence.

Time to let your head rule your heart eh? I know where you are at. Things wont improve if you reunite. In every way mentally, it will be a tough challenge and it will be you that will make the sacrifices.

I think you would do yourself a favour by not panicking. In a divorce nowadays financial settlement is based on what you brought to the relationship so you might be in a better bargaining position. See a solicitor, wont hurt.

Starting with a clean slate has its advantages.

Pining for him? Or pining for love or company? Having expectations of yourself to maintain a marriage with a step son not kept in check is not being fair to yourself.

I have had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years duration. Only my current 2nd wife is compatible with me. We learn from our mistakes. My marriage to the mother of my kids was the worst with passive emotional abuse. 3 months after separation I wanted to reunite and I told an old man at the caravan park. After listening for somt time he said "never go backwards".

I'm glad I didnt. When dtopping off my kids 4 years later her 2nd husband met me at the gate. A lovely guy began to explain the abuse she perfected on him also and asked me what he could do about it. I endured it for 11 years-he 2 years.

So, it will be tough not to return. Keep busy, join sports, clubs, even go on a date, have fun...move forward. Rise above it all.

You deserve better, you deserve happiness, consideration and appreciation.

You are not in this world to live up to others expectations

Google these

YouTube maharaji sunset

Youtube Maharaji the perfect instrument

Beyondblue Topic who cries over spilt milk?

Beyondblue Topic mars and venus the conversation between us

Beyondblue Topic relationship split

Beyondblue Topic the definition of abuse -what is it?

Take care

TonyWK

[Blended_agony]

Thanks for your wise words Tony I will have a look at those things and definetly give what you have said some thought !

at the age of 42 you think I would’ve learnt not to go backwards especially since this is our second try

time to try make myself happy I guess I owe it to my little ones

thankyou so much

[Blended_agony]

Tony how do you let go tho ? I’ve already been a single mum of my first 3 kids and now I’m going to be a single mum of my 2 little ones to him now

he always tells me I’ll. Never find anyone that will do so much for me like he has

he told me we have both f*#cked each other’s lives ... I took offence to that

And yes because he loves me so much I love that feeling of someone truly loving me like that but then at the same time he can be cruel but say it’s ok I love you no matter what

he tells me he has never ever let anyone get into his heart like I did and he was never going to get married but he married me

and all I want from him is support but like this morning thy stayed at my house and his son was just saying stupid things and I reacted of course and he said I just need to ignore his stupidity but I find it so hard

his son asked him last night while watching his footy game in front of me .. who was the lady he was talking to ... he said that’s my new girlfriend and his son goes .. ooooooo!! And I looked at him and said ... really !!! Not cool

I just think it’s not right To say things like that in front of him and especially in front of me I think he wants me to arc up and I’m sure his son loves it if I get upset with something his dad says

i honestly don’t know how to tell him that he should move back to the town he works at which is half hour fro where he lives now so his kids can walk to school instead of having to rely on me without him getting annoyed or angry at me

I think he’s hoping things will be better by Xmas and I will be moving back in but my daughter will be finishing year 12 next year and I’m scared we would start arguing again and she doesn’t need that when I told him I might have to be in this house I’m now in till end of next year he got angry at me and said I’m just doing it for my daughter and letting her rule my life

I feel like I’m always treading on egg shells and worries about his reaction hence y our communication skills are so poor

how do people move forward ?

[white knight]

Hi,

I'll just give my opinion as you've asked for that but I'm not a counselor- just lots of relationship experiences.

Re: "And yes because he loves me so much I love that feeling of someone truly loving me like that but then at the same time he can be cruel but say it’s ok I love you no matter what"

-action speaks louder than words

"and all I want from him is support but like this morning thy stayed at my house and his son was just saying stupid things and I reacted of course and he said I just need to ignore his stupidity but I find it so hard:

ask yourself- does he expect you to be him in sensitivity, character, temperament and values? Will he protect others from remarks made by others towards you? His gf stuff is very pointed. Shape up or I have options. Is that love?

I think he’s hoping things will be better by Xmas and I will be moving back in but my daughter will be finishing year 12 next year and I’m scared we would start arguing again and she doesn’t need that when I told him I might have to be in this house I’m now in till end of next year he got angry at me and said I’m just doing it for my daughter and letting her rule my life

Rule your life? or make way for your daughters needs which impact his plans and expectations? Do you think he works as a team member.? I had a similar experience and I felt she was using gaslighting. Google the meaning. Not saying he is though!

"Walking on eggshells " is actually a book by Dr Christine Lawson which is great reading. Or you can google these 3 words

- queen witch waif hermit

Such info helped me realise what dominance my mother had on my life

There are two sides to every story though and we dont get the other story here. The thing is, your mental well being and life stability for your kids is paramount. Step parent families work best when team work is your strongest factor. Dominance never works and is more profound in blended families.

I understand how 2 marriage failures plague your mind. You have to put that all aside, firm up on what you want. When he tells you to do something say "are you suggesting or instructing".?

How did I move forward? Well one week prior to separation I made my one and only suicide attempt. So got through that and lived in a small caravan. Grieved for my full time fatherhood then wham! New direction, I bought a block of land and began to build my own home myself.

I was too busy to worry about my marriage. I built a life of freedom. I found a direction in life.

TonyWK

[Blended_agony]

Wow Tony that was actually quite inspirational At the end and makes me think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel I just have to keep digging I guess

Thankyou for all your kind words I really appriciate it

[Blended_agony]

Oh and wow gaslighting ... has just opened my eyes when I just read the signs of gaslighting I think I ticked like 6-7 things that I do

I’m a little gobsmacked 😱

[white knight]

Hi BA

That's good. It's always good to improve yourself by reflecting.

We are the product of many things eg upbringing, genes, environment etc, it isnt the fault of you. It is only your fault if you learn it and go into denial.

Google

Beyondblue Topic does stubbornness have a place?

The more you learn about these traits you have and others have the better position you be in to handle your conflicts and improve relationships.

Attitude is everything.

TonyWK