Low self-esteem

[Snowman02]

Hi all,

I am a married man in my late 40's. For as long as I remember, I've had low self esteem and self confidence.

About 7 years ago I decided to change myself for the better. I read countless books and websites with the aim of achieving this and ,to be fair, my self confidence has improved.

However, I have had little joy in raising my self esteem. I joined a gym and have had good results in getting a good physique, although the problem is despite being happy neck down, it's neck up I don’t like.

I have had comments at various stages in my life about how I look, and it continues to affect me, even at my age. I find myself comparing how I look to other men, and believe I am unattractive, and not good enough to women.

This is reinforced by the fact that, despite being married 20+ years, we have very little sex. I am convinced that although I believe my wife loves me, I don’t think she's ever been sexually attracted to me.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to how I feel and has had any success in dealing with it.

Thanks in advance.

[Croix]

Dear Snowman02~

I am wondering a bit if your desire for more intimacy is a simple physical enjoyment thing or alternatively confirmation of being loved and valued.

The reason I ask is all the things you have talked about has been very much bound up in terms of self esteem - "punching about your weight", "out of my league", unattractive and so on.

You do acknowledge your wife does love you, and on occasions enjoyment does lead to repetitions for a while. If you were saying you were not loved that might be a different matter. and those times when nee session leads to anotherdoes seem to mean you are able to satisfy and please.

Apart from there being problems that reduce ability or desire for intimacy there is also the pretty obvious fact that everyone is different, and some are more sexually active than others. Maybe you have already put your finger on the cause, sex being lower on the list of her priorities, not a judgment on you, simply the difference in two human beings

The frequency you mention is not all that unusual, and being lead into thinking otherwise by a handful of talkative friends could be a mistake.

I'd suggest if in doubt seek competent medical help to find out what is reasonable, and also if you low self esteem is creating more of a problem in this area than might happen otherwise.

I can speak from personal experience that anxiety can so easily build up trouble where it is not warranted.

OK, I've said a bit, do you think I'm on the wrong track?

Croix

[Snowman02]

Hi Croix,

I think you're in the right area about what I get out of sex. I guess it's a needs to feel desired or lusted after, as well as the feeling of being loved. As far as the physical side, I probably get more satisfaction in getting my wife off than myself.

Trouble is, I never get these feelings. My wife's love for me seems to be based on my role as a provider and being Mr Dependable and not a risk taker. I certainly don't get any impression that she loves me in a role as lover.

This is why I find myself comparing how I look to other men. When I see better looking men (which is the majority of blokes ) it makes me wonder what it would be like to have a woman lust after me to the point of having sex.

If I had women show interest, check me out, or flirt with me, it would probably give me an esteem boost, but these things just don't happen. I'm invisible to women in general.

As far as frequency goes, from what I've read, and not just from other couples ' conversations, the impression I get is that we're way lower than the norm.

Thanks for your reply.

[smallwolf]

Snowman02,

I hope you don't mind me asking a couple of questions. You said in relation to your wife that it seems she sees you as provider and dependable, and not lover. Have you asked her about this?

You have also said that people commented about your wife being hot, but you don't seem to be able to take this as a compliment? I guess in this instance are you able to challenge the negative thoughts of "I am out of her league" and remember that this hot woman is your wife?

In regards to frequency I would have said it was normal, and like Croix said, men can extend the truth sometimes. But suppose that your favourite dinner was roast chicken. If you had that every night, after a while you would get sick of it (and not want it again)? But if you have it less frequently you might be able to enjoy it more? And again, the challenge here might be rather than thinking "Life is crap as we only make love every 2 weeks" to "I look forward to getting intimate with my wife..."

With the negative thoughts, ask yourself these questions...

1. What evidence is there to support my thinking?
2. Would others say this is true (about me)?
3. Does feeling this way make me feel good or bad about myself?

Peace and blessings,

Tim

[Snowman02]

Hi Smallwolf.

No worries. Ask away!

I haven't asked her about the provider role for two reasons. 1 is I can tell that she doesn't have any desire for me in a sexual or physical way. I never receive any signs or comments that would give me any indication she does. 2 is that she would flat out deny this claim and would probably do more harm than good.

You might think I'm projecting how my wife feels or would react, but after over 20 years together, I reckon I'm a pretty good judge.

As for people commenting on my wife's hotness, you have to bear in mind that I've had comments about her being out of my league, a few times, and I suppose I take comments about my wife as further reinforcement.

With regard to frequency, I'm not unrealistic. It's not like I'm looking to have

sex on a daily basis. However, an increase on the current level would be a boost. You might think I'm wrong, but I consider sex to be an integral and important of marriage.

Finally as for the negative thoughts, 1 & 2 would be yes, and 3 would be a no. I wish it wasn't the case.

Thanks.