Hi team
I feel awful for even writing this because on the outside my life is a dream: I am in a committed relationship with a man who adores me, I am fit, healthy and exercise regularly and I have a career that has taken me to heights I should be proud of. I should be happy. I should be in control.
But I'm not...
I feel numb and if I'm not feeling numb I'm feeling anxious about how I'm failing (at what? I can't work that out). I have regular moments when I am so sad that I read suicide forums for hours and I just sob (cry is too light of a term).
I've suffered with mental health issues in the past (ex-anorexic and depression during and post an abusive relationship) but my life is great - literally what I've always wanted - but why am I so sad?
And on top of the sadness is irrational anger, irritability and impulsive spending. My irrational anger manifests itself with my partner and I lash out. Sometimes physically. I am half his size so I never hurt him - but what kind of person does that make me?
My mood swings wildly from a million miles an hour (I am an executive in a role that requires creativity) to irritable and to be honest, downright spiteful and nasty.
I love those around me dearly yet a part of me is always slightly disappointed and envious when they succeed. Even when I have helped them to do well and I love them. What kind of monster is like this?
I am at breaking point. I am having my hormones investigated but my body is otherwise in tip top shape, I am exceptionally fit and I eat well, seldom drink and take no drugs. But I can't keep it together. I see a psychologist. I do the things I think are right but I can't grapple this.
My anger, sadness, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy runs my life. I know I have people who love me but I feel so alone.
I am reaching out to see if anyone at all feels like this. Or if it's something that will never get better. In which case I have decisions to make. I can't keep putting my partner through this
