I feel like I am half alive.

[Martii]

I am not sure if you could call me depressed or not. Life has been a bit up and down since my ex broke up
with me a while ago and my whole life crumbled around me. I managed to pick up the pieces, and I feel like I should be happy - I have friends and family, I have a job, I have food to eat and a roof over my head - but I feel guilty that I don't feel happy, and no motivation to go to work or to do the things that used to make me happy.

I feel like I am in a perpetual state of being alone, like I don't really connect to anyone. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, and I feel like a failure because my life isn't where I thought I would be at this point in time. I am dating someone new, who I really like. I am terrified of letting myself fall in love with him because I am terrified of being hurt again but he also says things to me which makes me question why we are dating or why he even likes me. So every week it is like I am waiting for him to break up with me therefore I am constantly stressed and on edge. I don't want to talk to him about it because I know where it would head and I'd prefer to bury my head in the sand right now instead of being realistic. I think I also like escaping from my life into his life because I am so sad in mine.

I used to be this really happy full of life motivated person and now I have no drive or motivation to do anything. Does anyone else feel the same as me? I feel like I am half alive.

[white knight]

Hi Martii, welcome

We cant diagnose but you have motivation issues and a visit to your GP is essential to see if there is any mental illness problem to address.

I have always had a different approach to my ex girlfriends than you have with boys. I have always been totally open. This way if they are really compatible then it will show and we can move forward. If they are not compatible then they can move on. To achieve this its best to talk frank about yourself and ask questions to him in an appropriate setting. A picnic, a place with a view, quiet...even in a forest setting. Deep frank chat. It will make you feel less anxious after it. Best thing to do is to say you'd like to go to *****, and chat. Get there and have zero distractions like phones. Tell him you like him a lot and apologize if you've been secretive or withdrawn then tell him of your issues. Then after he listens ask him questions.

Otherwise your relationship wont develop and he'll lose interest.

You have to water the cherry tree to get the fruit.

Tony WK

[Thetormentofexistence]

Hi Martii,

I just want you to know you are not alone in this.

I also feel this way, no motivation, I'm not where I expected to be in life, lonely even though I do have my friends and family around. I also feel that things that used to bring me the most happiness don't even make me smile anymore. I dread going to work everyday.

There is nothing really wrong with my life - I agree, I have a job, friends, family, nice home to live in.. there is no legitimate reason for me to feel this way.. yet I do. I always think about how much worse other people's lives are or have been and feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I have started a journal, have started coming to these forums and am seeing a counsellor next week. Starting to talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up and pretending I'm fine is my first step to feel better. These forums have helped me a lot recently, I feel less alone and have similar people to talk to and receive advice from.

I do think addressing these issues you are having with your partner will help you move forward as well. As much as you want this person in your life, it will hurt more if they are not right for you and you stay out of convenience or loneliness (I'm not saying you are but it's great for any relationship to talk about issues and come to a resolution especially if you want this to work out long term).

I hope my comments help how you're feeling and just remember you are never alone. Xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Martii

It's good to meet you. You do sound very down with your life and as Tony has said, a chat with your GP may be the best thing. One of the problems with depression, and there can be many, is that we are constantly evaluating others seen through the gloom of our depression. It colours our world in a misty grey that makes it hard to see accurately what is happening.

I don't know what your BF does or says to make you feel nervous and it may be he does care but is unsure how you feel or what to do next. You are viewing this relationship through the lens of your previous relationship and feeling nervous it will also go down the tube.

I think the suggestion of having a good chat with your BF is useful. Before you do that, please go to your GP and explain how you feel. Print out your post above and take it with you. It will make starting the conversation easier and your GP can take it from there. There is one rule, be completely open and honest. No good pretending you are only a little bit upset. That's like saying you are a little bit pregnant. When you have a better idea of what is going on with you it will be easier to take steps to put it right. It will also help your relationship with the BF. Not saying it will keep you together but what a shame if you continue to bury your head in the sand when you could be working on getting well again.

Please keep writing in.

Mary

[MusoWriter]

Considering all the stuff going on for you its not that surprising that you are feeling a bit off. You really need to see you GP and see if you need a referral or get some counseling. I come from the bipolar end of the spectrum and see some concerning signs that you have mentioned. I would love to not have any meds but that cannot be. For you with some work and time and being checked over by the medicos I think it is highly likely that you will be ok.

[Martii]

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies everyone - I have so much appreciation for you all taking the time to reply - sorry it has taken me a while to get back here, I work long hours and my weekends are quite full up trying to run around doing errands and see who I need to see. I really need to see my GP, I never can quite find the time. Hopefully sometime this week! I would like to elaborate a bit more about my partner but I get a bit paranoid that he might find me on here somehow and discover all of this (oh the paranoia!). I find that I write in a journal I have quite a bit, I find it therapeutic to get my thoughts out and discover why I feel how I feel about things, try to take happiness in little things sometimes. Some days things are okay, some days they just really aren't. I feel like I am in a weird hazy state where I haven't felt true happiness or any other true emotion since me and my ex broke up a long time ago. It is still a healing process, but I feel like I am gliding through life never sure of my sole purpose or meaning, as said before. I hope everyone is feeling alright tonight 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Martii

Good to hear from you. Writing in your journal book is a good way to examine your feelings as many people have found. Writing slows us down a little and helps to stop the thoughts that go whirling through the brain.

The feeling of non-connection, being unsure of your purpose in life, feeling no emotions are all signs of depression. I really urge you to see your GP immediately. Procrastination is another sign. Does your GP work on Saturday? Many do not, and if you usually see the same GP you will need to make a time in the week even if it means taking time off work. How urgent is it to see the people you spend the weekend running after? The big lesson here for you is to take care of yourself.

Once you get your depression (if that is the problem) under control the easier you will find it to manage your life and relationships. Please make that appointment soon.

Mary