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Lost in the abyss
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I feel so lost that I'm not sure I'll ever feel happiness again. Every single day is filled with tears and a conscious effort to try and act happy, normal and like I fit in this world. I have things to be happy for....beautiful children, a roof over my head, food. Yet my constant thoughts are of hiding away and never facing anyone again. No one understands and I am so fearful that my children will see my constant sadness and be affected by it. I try so incredibly hard to be happy for them but I am so exhausted. There are no answers, no quick fixes to anything. I long for when I'm asleep so that I can escape the hurt for even a moment. I'm not sure I even want a reply. Sometimes just writing things down eases the confusion in my head.
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Hi Night Sky (love the username)
I have been were you are and to a curtain extent still am, I have had periods of depression over the last 30 year since i was in my middle to late teens. I am also a carer to my son who is autistic. I find depression is very similar to some aspects of caring, the main one being" you can not pour from an empty vessel" meaning you have to look after yourself first. Part of that is being yourself, doing the things you like doing, spend time for yourself. what is normal anyway? I am male 53 don't fit into any bloke stereotypes, am kind gentle, listen, think to much. I know medication helps finding the right one is the trick and finding right doctor, diet but more than anything spending some time doing things just for you. hope y thoughts help
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Look and find the small things that you do that make you feel better, i find even spending a couple of minutes doing something i like helps. even listen to some music, fixing something, looking or sitting near the sea or water, even having a shower is helpful for me or being in the wind. Taking steps to top up or refill you vessel are the key.
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Hi there Night Sky
Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here to provide your post, and you know, that can be a very therapeutic thing – to write things down that are your concerns or things that are troubling you.
It’s great that Woolly has come along and provided you with a couple of great responses.
Yes, for the most part, no-one understands – unless of course you’ve done what you’ve done and come here to post. On here, we all understand as we’re battling and living with our own demons – we know what it’s like and yep, it absolutely sucks big time to be afflicted like this.
To be happy, a lot of us do wear a mask to hide our illness and troubles from others and so we can get through the day that way.
Just wondering if you’ve been officially diagnosed and if so, are you at a stage where you have your own counselling happening, appointments and the like? Are you on any anti-depressants? If so, do you feel they’re working – for as I read, it appears that if you are on AD’s, then a review might need to be done for you.
I won’t ask too many more questions, but will send this off now.
Kind regards
Neil
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Thankyou for your words Neill. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 13 years ago and after about 2 years thought that I had it under control (as well as it can be). I took medication but found the side effects difficult and never really found any made a great improvement. Without going into detail, I've lived in a very pressured situation for some time now. I had twins 6 years ago (also have an older daughter) and my partner wen to,work overseas when they were 6 days old. I've virtually been a single parent since then. I should have seen the danger of putting myself in a situation like that with my health history but I told myself I was strong enough and I didn't want to let it control my life.
As woolly63 highlight, I don't have a thing left to give. I'm so depleted in every way and with 3 children to be responsible for, I'm not even sure how to start to become stronger or take the necessary steps. I despise being this way and hate myself for being like this.
I honestly don't have the energy to think of what I can do to move forward. Right now, I need to be there for my children as there's no other option.
Knowing that there are others that struggle doesn't diminish the struggle but does make me feel like there are people that just might understand and not judge you and see you to be 'complaining'. It used to be a case of good days and bad days but now it seems to be all the time. I don't want my children to remember me like this. Thankyou for reply.
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Hello Night sky
It sounds like you love you children ever so much. Perhaps that is what has motivated you to post here, the love you do have for them. And you really don't want them to see you sad.
I'm sorry for that deep hurt that is in your heart, and flowing out in tears. I cry a lot too, and it is exhausting. I wish I could fix it for you, so it doesn't hurt anymore. But I cannot. I am going to send you some love now, in hope in will put even a little in your vessel (I like what Woolley said there too)I am sending it because I do care about you.
With many hugs
Shelley xx
