Tangled Up in the Web of Life

[Durras]

I thought I would type this as the link to my HI all so I can explain.

I loved and enjoyed my holiday back home in NZ and it was great seeing family and my sister, gave her a big hug and we cried and a positive outcome is she might come here to Australia for a holiday in December.

How I am feeling now thou is my head is just lost completely lost. I know I have goals set for this year and maybe it is just that I am impatient to start on them with psychologist appointment and my nursing course but deeper down inside I am feeling really irritable, frustrated, unsure of it all or of anything with my goals maybe it is the thought of failing.

I want to succeed, I want to bring in money to support my husband and I as we are looking to buy our own home, I want financial income for my daughter with her needs, I want a job! a career! I want to feel normal! i'm sick of feeling like worthless and useless no one will want to hire me, take me on! I'm sick of not knowing exactly what is wrong with me and sick of taking these medications trying to bring my mind and life in balance.

I'm forgetting things too. I don't eat meat not that I'm vegetarian but it clogs my system. Yesterday my husband was telling his dad how I had a sausage roll, I said no that was in NZ and he said no Carol that was only yesterday you had it.

While I was away in NZ I was forgetting things my daughter spoke to me about from the day before.

Last night I did a online Bipolar test and it showed I have it, I then showed it to my husband and he is like (ignore it you don't know where it is from) just listen to your doctor. Don't know why I did the test but I am thinking maybe the doctor missed something.

Well I want to know what is wrong with me, the score wasn't high but it was there.

I'm fed up with myself and all of this. I'm getting frustrated easily, snappy, short tempered and easily feeling irritated towards my husband and myself. I don't know how to explain it all properly and clearly everything just feels mixed up and muddled and confusing right now.

Well I will go, made myself a list for things todo today so will try and concur that while shame to same on second drink and it is 7.45am. Who to turn to but my Bundy and you all on BB.

Durras

XO

[pipsy]

Dear Durra.  I think I'm inclined to agree with your hubby about self analyzing.  When you visit Dr, take the test you did online, and discuss with him.  Tests online touch on subjects but they're seldom 100% accurate.  If you do have bipolar, your Dr will know how to test for it, and what treatment you need.  I would say your forgetfulness could be a form of anxiety with everything that's been going on.  You had a wonderful holiday catch-up with your sister, you're obviously missing her.  Perhaps you do momentarily forget things because you're reminiscing.  Self analyzing is dangerous, like getting an x-ray, then looking up on the computer to see what the x-ray explanation means.  Often the computer gives you a basic outline, but every case is different.  If you can do the tests on the computer, but don't take it seriously, that's not so bad.  But if you take everything as Gospel, leave analyzing to the experts.

Not judging and don't take this wrong, but hope you're not over indulging on Bundy. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Durras

Welcome back from your trip over to NZ.  It did sound like it was a great trip and I hope while you were there, you were spoiled a bit and that you had an amazing time with your sister.  That is also very good news to hear that she may be coming to visit you in December.  I know that sounds a while off at the moment, but hey, that’s something positive to keep in the back of your mind – just to know that and that as the days, weeks go by, that is something that I know you’ll be looking forward to.

I think the thought of failure with regard to your goals is something we all (or at least I know personally) are scared of – I mean, could it just be another thing that we suck at!?!!?   Which is why I set as many goals as I can for myself as being little ones.  And hells bells, it can be as simple as getting out of bed of a morning, but it’s still something that needs to be achieved.  On a slightly comedic side of things, I quite enjoy the line that says:  “Find out what you’re not good at … and then don’t do it”.  🙂

I’m hearing you loud and clear with your comments about wanting to succeed, etc – those are big time goals and if we do ponder on them for a while, then that can be not so good for us – particularly when we don’t have a job at the time.  I mean, at the moment, yes I’ve got a job, but I’m now 50 and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

Durras, you have a husband, a beautiful daughter and loving sister (I know not much else about you with regard to family and that’s cool), but I’d imagine you have a good bunch of friends also – what I’m saying here is that you are not useless, or worthless – you’ve built up your own beautiful family.  That is NOT done by someone who is useless or worthless;  and please know that you’ve got a huge number of people on this site who respect, care for and love you.

Hey and you know what, I want to feel normal as well – but Durras, what IS normal? That’s always a good question and who knows the answer?  Perhaps no-one.

I forget things a lot too – but I guess that doesn’t help much by me saying that.  Hmmm, saying what Neil?  See what I mean.

Neil

[Guest_5218]

Hi Durras,

What good news that your sister may get out to Aust to visit you in December, that will be great for you both.

I think its understandable that you are feeling this way right now, you have a lot happening in your life. Most of the symptoms you describe can be attributed to anxiety.  It can also be a little overwhelming when you set yourself goals and expectations, and then start to worry that you cant meet those expectations.  Fear of failure is a very real emotion, and is hard to overcome. That little voice in our head keeps telling us that we will fail, that we are not good enough, that we are taking on too much.  People with depression have a low self esteem, and this is all very typical thoughts.

I am hoping that your appointment with the psych next Wednesday will put in place a plan to help you to resolve many of your self esteem and anxiety issues.  And if thats the case, many of your symptoms with be much reduced.   ( - :

Regarding your self assessment of Bipolar, I would not be too concerned about that just now.  As Pipsy said, it would be a good idea to take the test to your GP next time you see them and explain your concerns with them. Or even better, take it with you to your appointment next Wednesday with your psychologist and discuss it then.

Durras, I also share Pipsy's concern about you having your second bundy at 7.45am in the morning!  Perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss this trend with your psych next week.  They may be able to help you to prevent it from becoming a major problem.

Dont forget to write all these things down ready for your appointment next week. Do your list so you dont forget.

Hugs and a genuine concern for you.

Sherie xx

[Durras]

Hi Pipsy, Neil and Sherie,

thank you all for you wonderful responses and insight.

I know in my heart you are all correct with words you say and express and I am truly grateful and appreciative of them.

I don't know what it is at the moment my head is numb and my body is numb and just can't seem to pull myself together. Have so many things going in circles through my mind, I just want to slap it out of me, or shake it out of me and come good again and feeling positive about the goals I have set.

I will take the online test to the psychologist with me, I think I am just searching for answers to WHY am I like this.

I don't know what else to say and don't want to ramble on.

Thank you all so much deeply from my heart my love to you all.

Sherie I did read your other post back to mine and right now unsure what to say but my heart and thoughts are with you and your family.

Big Hugs

Durras

[Kazzl]

Durras hun, are you still up? Here if you want a chat. It's 9.15 pm.

xx

[Guest_1055]

Hey Durras

You sound so sick of everything and just want some relief or something. I wish I could help you, but I have no idea of what to say, only that I do care about you. I hope everything gets untangled soon and you can see more clearly. Huge hug for you Carol.

With much love

Shell xx