Live alone

[Monash]

I have no idea what these forums are all about.
I have nothing in common with anybody here.
I never went to uni.
Never ran a business.
Never been a manager.
Highest salary I ever had was 50 thou.
I never married or had kids.
I live alone, don't have many friends (only 4 good friends including my sister).
I've never been overseas.
The last sexual relationship I had was in 1987.
I can't make things or play music or anything.
I am a 65 y/o man.
I sometimes try things to fit-in and then fool myself into thinking I actually belong
but sooner than later I realise I don't and then have to pull out.
Please don't tell me to take up bowls or ballroom dancing.

[Paul]

Hi Monash,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. This is a place where people from all walks of life come together to talk about how they feel and help each other when they are feeling like life is on top of them.

I get the feeling things aren't great at the moment and strangely I understand what it's like to feel like you don't fit in. I have a total of 2 friends, never been to uni, never married, no kids. Looks like we have some commonalities there.

I'm definitely not going to tell you to take up bowls or ballroom dancing - that would insult your intelligence and I think you deserve some understanding to know you are amongst people who have felt or still feel similar emotions.

How long have you been feeling like you don't belong?

Hope to chat more soon.

Paul

[geoff]

hello Monash, only a couple of years between you and me, and what you have done that we haven't done doesn't have much foundation, because this site is not about matching with others who have done the same thing as you, it's only a site to help and talk with someone who feels some kind of depression, and loneliness will cause someone to be depressed.
Many people do play bowls and dancing but that doesn't mean that they won't get depression, there is a good chance they could get it, and just not being in business has no bearing on whether you will feel any better than the person who has set up shop, so what I trying to say is that if you just sat down and watched the traffic go by there is good chance you may get depression.
You do have a likeness to people here on the site in more ways than you think.
I had a successful self employed business with 6 months work in front of me, but I lost it all because of depression, plus I thought that my family was like a little unit, attached to each other and nothing could ever go wrong, how stupid I was because now I'm divorced and the unit has been broken up.
So whether you are the mirror image of me that is the opposite of me, still means that somehow we are still attached. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Monash

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You are welcome because everyone is welcome. There's no checking your credentials or bank balance, and who cares anyway. We are here to talk to each other about those things in life that trouble us. We cannot change the world but we can support you and tell about our experiences if you wish.

I left my husband 16 years ago and have lived alone ever since. It's great, except for the times when it's not great. And this does happen because we are social creatures, meant to be together. So I get my 'togetherness' outside my home usually, in the activities I have. Sometimes in my home. Last night I hosted my book club. We talked and laughed and we all had a great time, especially me. When they left I breathed a sigh of exhaustion and went to bed. Did the washing up this morning.

This is only a quick chat as I have to go out in a couple of minutes. I will write more later. Hopefully you will have replied to Paul and Geoff. They have great stories to tell.

Mary

[Monash]

Thanks Paul.

[Monash]

Thanks Geoff.

[Monash]

Thanks Mary.

[White_Rose]

Well, I was hoping for something a little more upbeat, but not to worry.

I wonder what you did for a crust in your working for money days. And as part of that, what did you do when not working. It seems to me that people have their lives organised for when they are not working (at the weekend) and often this morphs into retirement activities. Is it true to say you had no interests outside of work?

You don't want to be told to take up ballroom dancing which I gather means, make no suggestions on what you could do. Fair enough. What I am trying to work out is what you have done in the past that you want to build on in the future. For example, when I set up my own home I had a study, still have a study, and spent much of my free time researching my family. Then when I retired I could spend many more hours on this. Whether you want to do family history or not is beside the point. My point is that I had interests I wanted to continue doing. So what did you do in your spare time?

What floats your boat? Do you have a passion for social justice, do you want to climb mountains, visit every state in Oz, be a grey nomad? Only you know what stirs your interest.

On a different topic, you sound very lonely and unsure of yourself. You say you have nothing in common with anyone here, but if I am correct you have much in common. The people who write in here feel very lost and alone, if only some of the time. And these folk get comfort from having a conversation with someone who has experienced the same feelings. I ask you to have a look round this forum and read the posts written here. How do you feel about responding to some of these people?

If you go to the last forum on the Online Forums, Community Forums page, you will find a number of online activities. You can talk to the folk in the BB cafe, order whatever you want to eat and drink, lie in the sun, chat to others who are there for company. There are also some word games, a space for jokes and your own poetry. Do you write poetry? I learned how to write Haiku, Japanese poetry, which is the shortest poetry in the world. Three line per poem using 17 syllables in total. 5/7/5. Not as easy as it looks.

I look forward to your reply.

Mary

[JessF]

Hello Monash, Mary has some great suggestions above. When you said "don't tell me to take up ballroom dancing or bowls" I took it to mean that you don't want to be told to do things that older folk stereotypically do. You don't have to!

You mentioned not being able to play music, for example. Is this something that interests you? It is never too late to learn. You can pick up a guitar quite cheaply these days, and there's so many how to videos on the internet you can spend hours teaching yourself the basics.

There's nothing to stop you going to university either if there's a subject that intersts you. Google 'oldest person at university' and you'll find pages of stories about people in their 90s who are doing PhDs. There is a world of possibilities out there.

I sense you have much regret for the things you haven't done in your life thus far, and it's ok to have these feelings. But you still have much time left, and age is not a barrier to learning new things, meeting new people, discovering hidden talents. I hope you'll write back too.

[Monash]

OK. Thanks for all your responses. I feel I should give you some feedback for all your er feedback.

Something positive:
I speak well. I have a good speaking voice. That's something in my genes of course but I do also make a effort to speak well.

I do have some good friends but I try to keep a distance from them in space and in time because I don't want to 'wear out' those relationships which exist on sort of tacit agreements.
Friendships mostly live on unspoken appreciation. Nevertheless I wish I could tell my sister that I love her. Where I come from brothers don't say that sort of thing.

I don't like it when people patronise me. That's what I was driving at when I said (sarcastically) "please don't tell me to take up lawn bowls... "
If I tell you I am currently trying to do Cert 4 in Information Technology because I thought it might be a good idea my (probably unfair) expectation is for you to patronise me.
Truth is I'm not very good at studying things. When you do these courses, I've discovered, you are generally expected to know most of the stuff and you just turn up and put in some work and you get high grades.
I forget things and I don't interact with others in the class. I don't belong there. I'm not going back.

You don't understand what it is like to realise you don't belong and then have to make the decision to give up. There is often a lot of money involved too.
This happens frequently for me.

In the distant past I used to walk out on jobs because I didn't know how to deal with my frustrations. I felt I wasn't listened to.

Something else I did for a few years was run a radio show (unpaid) on community radio. I eventually gave up because I didn't like the management structure of the place. I left on good terms and occasionally go back.
I suppose working by myself with only a microphone to talk to was OK for me. I could do what I knew I was good at and didn't have to deal with any interaction.
Outside the studio I felt I was marginalised and not listened to. It was frustrating so I politely left.

When I worked in an office for 20 odd years I felt the same way. When I go that job in 1990 I decided I would stick at it instead of drifting from job to job.
I did stick but there too I felt marginalised most of the time. There were a lot of conflicts but I survived. I was never a manager and nobody ever suggested I become one.

I just wish someone would sit down with me, a pot of tea and a notepad, and try to work out how I got to be the way I am.