Life’s too hard

[Dave_76-]

(49yo) First time posting…

I have been feeling very very low for a decade, and I can’t snap out of it.

This morning, I decided to type ‘beyond blue’ in to my browser.

The first site that came across was ‘MensLine.’ I clicked on it and saw several reasons for mental health.

They were…

• Men’s mental health, including anxiety and depression
• Relationship problems
• Anger management
• Coping strategies
• Grief and loss
• Loneliness and isolation
• Parenting
• Stress
• Suicide prevention

It’s a little concerning, when I realised that every one of these IS affecting me. Some more so than others.

I feel so alone, but find myself going to bed early to be alone.

I have never dealt with the loss of my grand mother, which affected me a lot. As did the loss of an uncle, and my mum won’t be too far away.

I want to feel closer to my wife, although I feel that she isn’t trying…or is it me.

I feel lonely and depressed nearly all of the time. I only have 1 true friend, who lives 2hrs away. The only other person I hang out with outside of my wife and girls, are my parents.

Parenting…I have teenage girls, so I’ll say no more about that.

I gave up alcohol 10 months ago. I feel that’s 1 positive in my life.

I was brought up to be a man, so I keep all of this inside me. When I’m asked, “Hey, how are you?.” My answer is always, “Couldn’t be better!”

Maybe things will get better soon…

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dave_76,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Forums! We’re glad that typing those words led you to this community.

It sounds like it was a really hard-hitting moment to recognize that all of those factors listed resonated with you. It’s challenging enough facing one or two of those factors, let alone all of them. With all this going on, it is completely valid to be feeling the way that you are. That is a huge amount to be coping with.

Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma about men needing to keep all this in. We hope that this is a space where you don’t have to feel that way. There are so many others feeling this pressure to “toughen up,” and sharing your story helps dismantle that stigma. There is no shame in struggling.

What might things look like if they were “getting better” for you? It’s a big question, but it can be interesting to reflect on what first comes to mind. It sounds like you’ve already made some impressive changes (giving up alcohol), which is no small feat.

We hope that this can be a supportive and welcoming community for you. We’re here to support you along your journey. Feel free to jump back in any time and let us know how you’re traveling.

Thank you again for posting. Take good care of yourself today.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Dave

My heart goes out to you so much, especially given the challenges you feel yourself facing all at once. So much to manage and make sense of.

As a 55yo gal, I've often felt deeply for guys who were conditioned to be the complete opposite of sensitive. To be led to bottle up so much just feels cruel to me. It's actually only in the last handful of years where a constructive definition of 'sensitive' has come to serve me incredibly well. Before this, being 'sensitive' was something I was led to believe was a weakness. This is something many of us are led to believe. To discover it to be an ability has been liberating in many ways. The ability to sense is something that can serve us in so many different ways. Btw, as an ex regular binge drinker, I can relate to how deeply challenging it can be to stop that thing which helps dull the senses. Feelings can become so much rawer or sharper while trying to navigate life without alcohol.

Coming to our senses can be overwhelmingly challenging at times with questions like

• What do I sense my anger is really about?
• How am I meant to sense the way forward through such incredible or unresolved grief?
• How am I meant to gain a sense of my partner's feelings, when I've never really practiced this a lot in the past?
• What do I sense my stress/anxiety relates to?
• How can I gain a sense of what my depression's about?
• How can I possibly gain a sense of direction while facing what feels like one of the darkest parts of my path in life?

and the list goes on. 

As kids, we can be led to dull our senses, led to stop feeling so much, led to not question why we're feel what we're feeling, led to not wonder about what our feelings are trying to tell us etc etc. Instead of being encouraged to master the ability to sense so much, we can be led to suppress it. Strange to consider but the question 'How do I learn to come to my senses around the age of 50?' can be a valid one. Better late than never. 'How do I learn to start feeling all the things that are going on within me and around me?' can be another way of putting it. 

I can't help but wonder about your wife's nature. Is she someone who's learned to become emotionally closed off in the relationship over time? If so, could she possibly welcome an opening up of feelings? Could she possibly invite you or encourage you to feel more, question more and wonder more? I question this based on my own experience in my 23 year marriage. While my husband's standard response to just about any feeling or emotion I question is 'I don't know', I've always wanted him to know for his own sake. While I learned to stop asking, there are times where I still can't help myself. I think that's that wonderer in me 🙂