Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.
New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.
l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.
But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.
l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.
l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.
l still eat and sleep , but only just.
And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.
l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.
life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.
It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.
l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.
Just don't know anymore.
