l worry about myself and what will become of me.

[Guest_1584]

Been such a rough 5 -6yrs . Been fakin it till l make it so long now l can hardly tell what l feel anymore apart from 18mths with a new love after divorce , a lot of that was all new and beautiful highs and l was alive again but now that's broken up also.

New house finally 10mths ago , after struggling my ass off for 5yrs after divorce but l just do not fit in or like the town, l do love the house though.

l work at home on my own , some customer contact and traveling long trips too, alone though.

But now with my gf break up on top and this town being small and nothing going on , it's just too easy to either hang out around the house alone or work on the place , if l'm not working or come to bed and go on the net.

l'm getting so use to living like this lately l feel as if l could just do it till l drop dead really especially if l stay here but then l will forever have no life if l do.

l do try to make myself do things , been out to the pub a few times with a brother who lives 30mins over, went up to the mountains the other wkend, take my daughter lots of places which she's really the only people time l enjoy tbh. The rest is just a huge effort that just leaves me void anyway.

l still eat and sleep , but only just.

And now l feel like if l don't sell the house and get the hell outa here next year my life will just fizzle away before my eyes. But l have no idea where to go or what to do , l need to stay fairly close to my daughter too but financially options are very limited.

l'm early 50s , so many moves in my life , ex w and l moved and traveled all over for years, haven't stayed anywhere since l left home at 17 really, longest 7yrs, and l no longer trust my own judgement especially after being silly enough to move here.

life just feels like nothing and l just feel like all l'm really interested in doing is jumping out of bed to see my daughter and that's about it.

It really worries me that l could really easily just exist like this and to hell with the world or life.

l'm so use to pushing myself through mentally though with this last 5-6yrs and faking it, l feel numb. l loved my gf so much and we'd talked about marriage, yet half the time l'm smiling , think l'm too scared not to fake it because if l don't l'd just fall in a heap. No family and l don't really have any good friends , that all went with my divorce , know about anything l feel or have been going through and now l even hide the break up with gf.

Just don't know anymore.

[Guest_1584]

Many thoughts , too many.

One of the things with gf being 2/3 long distance, was that we were talking or skyping or something some way, 24/7,mind you , the way we got along all that was almost as good as being in person but , so you were like still home,sort of still alone, in our own little bubble. Unless either had stuff going on or work, if not we were together any way we could be. we'd even take each other shopping and drivimg , she even use to come on my trips via skype or whatsapp or whatever.

But the thing is , now , that has meant more time alone through all that time too, well sorta. l was with her , but only in those ways when we couldn't visit.

locked in to our bubble , our secret life it was like. Mind you , we'd take time out to do our stuff as well , work or see some people now and then or out doing something. but life was mainly our bubble so l've still sorta lived the homebody , if not with gf like that and our bubble , on my own, even after 5 yrs of divorcing. And so outside of that l still really haven't found of what to do with myself or reconnected with anyone much or hobbies . She was at first meant to be moving over here by now and it wouldn't have mattered anyway but her contract wouldn't allow for a lot longer than we thought. And now this.

l force myself to get out a bit and l do love going up to our main town , half business half pleasure , enjoy that for sure. or l take my daughter somewhere.

But really , still not much , not much at all. too much time on the damn computer too. Have worried l;m becoming addicted tbh lately. it's just all too easy to sit around on the net , the new version watching TV l guess. Not much of a life though is it. l swear it must be why the singles world seems all about date sites these days , because no one leaves the house anymore maybe, all sitting round gawking at their damn computers instead.

You can live quite contently alone in most ways for sure , it is one form of life.

But l'm so use to some action and fun around the house with w and daughter before and now gf when she was here or in our bubble when she wasn;t.physically.

The latter is def' the life l prefer . But , as a few have said , the latter isn;t always roses and fun is it , gotta be the right person that's for sure.

Scuse the rant.

[Guest_1584]

Randoms Sunday , what do you get up too this wkened .?

l worked sat' then got pizza and had a few wines. l was gonna try to force myself out to a pub that night but just couldn't be effd and sooooo, just stayed home.

Today , Sunday ,, was a spectacular day and if there is one thing l can say about this house and it's views and the new deck l'm building , man it is just bloody beautiful out there, The sun just floods it all.

l waslooking forward to driving over to the next town to pick up a bed but fell through so l went into town here a few times, taking my time in the beautiful sunshine. Did some laundry , wondered about waiting.

Later l went and checked out this magnificent huge old church perched up on a hill. Been meanaing to go up there since l moved here , what a building, love old churches even though l'm not religious .

Their craftsmanship though is amazing stuff . love it.

lATEer l had another bash at fixing my ride on mower. Damn , l'll get that puppy goin again one day , l'm close now , real close , l can feel it haha. Got some good motivation too , too much thick grass and huge nature strips here for just the push mower , l work hard enough as it is without putting 3 or 4 hours into pushing that thing over this stuff. The ride on is close though , very close.

That was about it for my exiting wkend , yepppp. Don't blink or you'll miss it.

[blondguy]

Hi Randomx

I am also in my 50's and have a daughter that lives just a few klms away. Been through the family court back in the 90's and did what I could to have contact with my daughter..but thats another matter

I have just read about a guy that is doing his best to put one foot in front of the other.....and just IMO...you are doing very well after what you have been through.

I hear you loud and clear about computers.....I have been in senior corporate roles until January last year and you made me smile when you said 'damn computers'....Maybe you and I have been using them for so long they have lost their 'wow' factor lol

My apologies for not being saying hello until now...I hope you have a good day Randomx. Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue Forum family too!

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Guest_1584]

Gday Paul , how are ya mate .Ahh no worries and thanks very much for dropping in and the kind words.

Just wondering how you wound up still living so close to your daughter she's probably grown up by now or married yeah ? Has the family always lived in the area or ?

It's just l would live that later in life when she's at that stage but l also have visions of her pulling in from 100s of k away so it's probably not too likely but not to worry see what happens.

We're in totally different towns here of about 20mins apart,wouldn't wanna live around ex and her new life, tiny town it would be a bit snug.

But my d has her bf there and her best friends so sadly isn't staying over here much lately , but 20mins works good and only 15 to her school to grab her there anytime too so it's not too bad.

But yeah , been a pretty full on 5yrs , that's for sure , mind you this last almost 2 with gf during good times has also been the best of my life and much more so if we can't work it out l'll always be thankful non the less..

Funny with computers isn't it , these days l don't want updates l don't want bells and whistles l just want the piece of crap to do as it;s told and shut up haha.

l can curse myself being so almost addicted to the internet though lately and even before during my marriage.Although l've never really been sure if it;s the internet itself or the switch off and chilling time factor you can have at the end of the day type thing. Jump into bed and check all your stuff or whatever.

Bck married l use to escape off into the office in the mornings because l'm not a morng person but my ex was really loud in the mornings so it was departmental but saving my bacon at the same time and terrible for my marriage.

Did you remarry Paul or ? Weird , at first divorcing pretty well ruins everything you worked for but the funny thing is in time staying unmarried as you say one foot in front of the other bit by bit and l can see before long now, few yrs, l could be very very comfortable , l think all that's easy alone because you can do what you fel you need to with no guilt or interference and set yourself up pretty damn good before long onc eyou get the ball rolling again so at least thats something.

Speaking of rolling , l got my ride on going , ahh, for 25mins anyway , then it stopped again and l ended up having to push the heavy little shit up out the draining area out on the front stretch , around the corner and back into the garage,,, ouch. Back to the drawing board.

l think after 10 yrs l'm falling out of love with my rover.

[blondguy]

Hi RX

Thanks for posting back and sorry for the time lag in replying....doh!

My daughter is mid 20's and lives on her own in the next suburb...(about 10 minutes away) My ex lives even closer than that to me...oh dear!

To know that you have had happiness with your gf just made me smile RX as it always feels good to read some good news 🙂 You deserve all the happiness you are having after what you have been through.

Your daughter has a great dad....and good on you for being one! My mum and dad have always lived in the same area so I guess thats why Im here and my daughter chose to live close by. It used to farms here just 20 years ago and now all subdivided which is fine.

I wasnt married to my ex....nearly was though RX. It just didnt work out I guess. I have had a couple of girlfriends but nothing super serious. Just trying to get my head around my roller coaster of depression for the last few years and especially after trying to get access to my daughter in the family court....I guess it broke my brain a bit (maybe a bit more actually)

I was made redundant in Jan 2016 and joined the forums as I was in dark place. The forums have actually taught me a lot that has alleviated my depression big time (the TLC from so many people) more than my psychologist has done.

I really had a good laugh (which I needed) when I read what you wrote about computers and the 'wow' factor of having one....I hope its okay if I can quote you.....

Randomx mentioned "these days l don't want updates l don't want bells and whistles l just want the piece of crap to do as it;s told and shut up haha"

That is one of the best comments I have read about these electronic dog collars! (PC's...'Smart Phones' etc)

You have a ride on?? I wish!! 25 minutes away when it died?....thats a huge piece of real estate RX! I was born in Cooma NSW (yes...a town smaller than yours) and I love the country life even though I have ended up in the burbs in sth vic

I just bought a new mower (no...not a ride on unfortunately) with a Briggs & Stratton 190cc IC engine with a great sticker on the side saying 'Proudly made in the USA from local and global parts' I bought it from Masters...its a 'Troy Built'

I will say a prayer for your Rover RX :-)......10 years is a good run.....I think?

I hope you can stick around the forums RX......and have a good weekend too!

Paul

[Guest_1584]

Gday Paul , and no worries and thanks for that mate.

Ahh my family are all over , have been myself , too much so , think l'm part gypsy and if l don't keep this house it'll all start again damn.

That'd be beautiful having your daughter so close where by it's just naturally happened and panned out that way.

sadly our sitch is a bit more complicate did l wanna move and if d does uni in a few yrs time God only knows which uni she'd go to and where that'd be too so if l move again , we could end up any distance apart , just not sure as yet.

You bought a new mower eh , nice one , how's it going.

Butttt, the rover still lives haha. Thanks for the payer mate and hey l think it helpd. He started again, l gave it a shot after work. So l jumped on and got out there before it changed he's mind. Stayed away from around the corner though wasn't game or in the mood to be pushing it back from around there again. So l stuck to the easy close stuff and around the house. But,,,, it kept going haha, makes a nice change lately at least l got one mow out of it.

Sorry to hear about the work sitch earlier. What's happening these days l hope something new has turned up and your back on the road.

Take care mate.

l work for myself so it can be very up and downish and unpredictable. But at other times it's a very good life with whatever hours l want and other goodies.

The computer stuff eh , yeah , damn things, don't get me started haha. So much crap popping out all over the screen too now , drives ya barmy.

[blondguy]

Hi RX

Thats a hard one with with your daughter as you dont have an idea what she is going to do or as you said what uni she will attend too....ugh!

My daughter may only live a few minutes away but she has become angry at me and the world in her mid twenties and I really dont see her very often anymore unfortunately. It is a bonus to have closeby though so I can be here for her the best I can.

Its cool that your Rover ride on has starting to behave itself!......Good one!

Also...I have always wished I could work for myself but I guess it has never happened...not having a trade qualification doesnt help either. I envy that you are self employed and can manage your own hours...and good on you!

Great to have your experience on the Beyond Blue Home Improvement thread too! Its a great thread that you have provided some great help on...and thanks mate!

(Im as handy as a rubber shovel.....which is why I keep asking the questions I do!)

Paul

[Guest_1584]

Gday Paul , just wanted to thank you for the reply .

Not in a good place though right now so l'll come back to answer later.

Cheers mate , hope your well.

[Guest_1584]

Gday Paul.

That's really sad about your daughter , l'm sorry mate. 25 , God l hope mine doesn't go off at 25, she's been brilliant right through so far so maybe it could be due. What's upset her so much Paul , is it anything to do with being angry at her parents , maybe the separation between you guys or life or what ?

We were suppose to go away last wk but she had too much on at school so l'm hoping next or the one after.

Thanks mate to but l think l'll just let Geoff do his thing on that thread as a builder all his life , l couldn't come close to that experience so we're very lucky to have him. l;ve got two trades myself but unusual ones and not in building as such.

Anyway , been a pretty rough wk all in all, gf troubles but today my daughter and l went for a hike nd l was pretty pleased with myself holding a dairly up mood without any trouble , l don't want her worrying or knowing about the gf crap but , we had a really nice day and it helped a lot. Saw some beautiful rain forest and creeks , trails. it was a damn nice day in the end and a real God sent too l think, Picked me up a lot and she had great day too.

[blondguy]

Hi RX

Thanks for getting back....Im really sorry that you have been going through a bad time with your gf. Thats the last thing you need after what you have been through.

Thankyou for asking about my daughter. It is sad RX but even at 25 they are still our 'kids'...so to speak....so yes I do worry a lot about her. I have done the best I can and not spoilt or been silly strict either. An old guy said to me in 2015 not to beat myself up about it......as "sometimes our kids just take the wrong fork in the road no matter how good we are at being a parent" (I just have to remember that!)

I havent been online since Friday morning RX. I guess we are both going through a rough one at the moment.

Its seriously difficult when we have a contact visit and we are going through the crapper with a girlfriend RX. I remember that and it hurt...a lot.

What you said was really wonderful "Saw some beautiful rain forest and creeks , trails. it was a damn nice
day in the end and a real God sent too l think, Picked me up a lot and she had great day too"

You never have to respond to me or anyone as this is your thread RX. I wouldnt be here if this wasnt a rock solid safe place to post (identity...privacy etc) You come first on the forums....

The Beyond Blue Home Improvement thread is an open one and it needs all the help we can get as Geoff has been through a rough time and any help you can give is bonus. There is no hierarchy here...I hope you feel comfortable (if you wish to of course) posting where ever you want to when you want to.

The champion 'tag' is only because we spend so much time on the forums supporting others....I have been working with shopfitters and cabinet makers for 35 years for an importer until I fell apart last January and then joined the forums as I was stuck with depression.

I hope everything goes reasonably okay with you gf and good on you for being a great dad by the way 🙂

My Best RX

Paul