l dunno wth is wrong with me

[randomxx]

Hi dear bb people, a few might know me, formally randomx. l've had to take a break for awhile gather thoughts but just of late in need of just talking things through once again.

l'm 59 now and feeling very strange although in RL people usually guess me at mid 40s and that's about what l've felt too so l'm very lucky in that way but unfortunately on the inside just of late usual zests seems to have left me and l can't be bothered with anything.

l've always been moody and also in and out of depressed stages too but of late that's more so than not these days and it seems ridiculous to me but ldk wth is wrong and why the change- it's different now.

l've also lost interest in work but worse lately feel like l can't even cope with it any more.l only work pt for myself at home so no pressures l've also always quite enjoyed it to but lately ???

Been living alone mostly last 12 mths as my d moved out and gf has been interstate so we just visit a mth a time usually but l also might've blown it.

last she was down at mine was gonna be for 3mths and she was so gorgeous, l really couldn't ask for more but yet, l was in the dumps so much that l eventually cut the 3mths short- hence probably blowing it with her now too bc that did not go down well at all and also really really hurt her.

l should've been so happy to have her here again but yet l could hardly hold a smile.

l feel like that with everything atm and of late been wondering if the other me the mostly old me is coming back this time or not. l don't want meds bc really compared to most depression, l'm actually quite light, but it is still enough to ruin things.

ldk. Any thoughts appreciated.

[randomxx]

Hi mm and thanks for that , very nice of you. Changes though l'm not sure in what way you mean but if it's life and habits things MH wise, yeah got no problem with stuff like that. l mod things up to suit. Life wise l've also had many big changes through life too.

Relationship wise, yeah, v tough one to explain actually but she's mostly a very loving caring and supportive person though between it all and l often take any of her swings grain of salt really tbh bc she is so and to also bc of what she's been through this last 10yrs or so.

But on that front her stability mentally isn't improving even though most of that's been over awhile now and she also has a pretty nice set up finally now too, it really should be getting better but she's actually less stable than ever lately. lt's exhausting after everything else.

We often do talk about things us though but of late yeah , unfortunately we're both seeing things pretty differently atm too. Not really liking what l'm hearing tbh on top of everything else. ldk, we were both married before and now us, l don't really wanna start over and so many things about us would almost be impossible to refind too at this stage and they mean so much to me buttt, the other stuff , well.