l dunno wth is wrong with me

[randomxx]

Hi dear bb people, a few might know me, formally randomx. l've had to take a break for awhile gather thoughts but just of late in need of just talking things through once again.

l'm 59 now and feeling very strange although in RL people usually guess me at mid 40s and that's about what l've felt too so l'm very lucky in that way but unfortunately on the inside just of late usual zests seems to have left me and l can't be bothered with anything.

l've always been moody and also in and out of depressed stages too but of late that's more so than not these days and it seems ridiculous to me but ldk wth is wrong and why the change- it's different now.

l've also lost interest in work but worse lately feel like l can't even cope with it any more.l only work pt for myself at home so no pressures l've also always quite enjoyed it to but lately ???

Been living alone mostly last 12 mths as my d moved out and gf has been interstate so we just visit a mth a time usually but l also might've blown it.

last she was down at mine was gonna be for 3mths and she was so gorgeous, l really couldn't ask for more but yet, l was in the dumps so much that l eventually cut the 3mths short- hence probably blowing it with her now too bc that did not go down well at all and also really really hurt her.

l should've been so happy to have her here again but yet l could hardly hold a smile.

l feel like that with everything atm and of late been wondering if the other me the mostly old me is coming back this time or not. l don't want meds bc really compared to most depression, l'm actually quite light, but it is still enough to ruin things.

ldk. Any thoughts appreciated.

[Baz3]

im really sorry.

you should try to talk to her. get her a gift. tell her how u feel

[mmMekitty]

Hello rxx! (Jus a thought - if 'rxx' will be your new sign-off?) Yeah, some of the folk you have spoken to here before are still around. I remember you, too & am sorry you've been going through a difficult time again.

Maybe it is time to re-visit the meds again, because of how your depression is impacting upon your relationships & work. No matter how 'light' you think it is, when it effects how you relate to others, whether you can maintain your activities & interests & how you feel abobut things you usually enjoy - when it's enough of a problem that you are asking, what to do & what's happening, maybe, yes, talk to someone such as your GP, therapist, counsellor, etc. Just discuss with them your options. Then decide.

In the meanwhile, be kind & caring to yourself. Try to keep talking to your gf & d, & anyone else in your life.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

P.S/ sorry to see you lost your profile picture. I didn't know exactly what it was, but it was intriguing.

[randomxx]

Hi there baz , good advice and thanks for that. But yeah she's back home interstate again now, l'm thinking about going up though and yeah, talk about things in person. Tbh though and once she gets home again and to all of her own problems again, she becomes as all over the place mentally as l've been myself again anyway. She's had a helluva a run herself 5yrs now and it's left her in pretty bad shape too but anyway , thinking about things atm.

Hi there mm and thanks very much for that too and , r double x hmmm, not bad might use it ha ha.

l've never been on meds actually, l really hate the thought of them though, read too much stuff , although l've no doubt at all right meds right person they can help a lot and have read many good things about all that too.

Tbh , l think it's more just about life for me right now though. This thing with gf has been everywhere 5yrs now too l'm not even sure about it myself actually.But then there's just life in general too ,there are some problems there too and l just feel like it's no where and at this age where as it should be on cruise by now surely.

ldk , trying to figure things out.

Thanks again and l hope your doing ok.

r    xx ha ha.

[mmMekitty]

Hi rxx

Funny how we get these ideas that life is supposed to go a certain way, that we are supposed to reach certain milestones & certain times - but how often is life really like that?

The course of your own life is one you can plot & attempt to follow, but be prepared for unexpected things along the way.

I'd suggest, continuing to do all the things we know are healthy for our bodies & minds: getting the best night's sleep we can, eating well, getting lots of exercise, at least some outdoors time, relaxation, doing things we usually find fun to do, as well as doing the things which may not be so pleasant, but none the less, are things we need to do to care for ourselves.

All the usual tool you have to help yourself might not feel like they are helping you today. There's tomorrow, or the next day, when you will do them, & you might surprise yourself when they work again. Even if you don't feel any immediate positive effect, there is likely to be a benefit for you anyway.

My sense is that continuing to do as much for myself gets me feeling better than if I was to go back to going to bed all the time, & pretty much doing nothing, & going crook on myself for not doing anything... by doing something I can't say I did nothing.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[randomxx]

Hi mm and thanks for that.

But yeah all true. Funny or not so much but you see as you get older , with anyone else or even parents or someone older, life goes full circle doesn't it. And if we don't take a bit more care setting things up so that it's sorta set up by then , then we're gonna still be struggling. Easier said than done though. And then even if we do get that part right there's still the just life part left too, our kids or family or someone we'll be worrying about anyway or that are going through stuff.

Nice to hear your well aware of all the routine and things that help us, wish my daughter would take that care. But it's amazing too isn't it just how many even older people with mh or other stuff, don't seem to realize how much it helps or else they , we , do know damn well but just keep on thinking, ok , tomorrow, and next wk next mth next yr. l was a bugger for that but a few yrs back l finally realized l'd been doing it all my life instead of smelling the roses along the way too and treating myself .So l finally started turning things around and have lots of little rituals and things and feel goods these days l enjoy everyday now, well mostly. Even getting out to work was a huge help and my go to therapy to for a long time there but unfortunately, although it still is at times for sure, lately l'm also finding l'm not handling the hard parts too good lately and just feel too tired of them now, like l'm done with them. It's my own business though and l can make adjustments and get out of them so that's the plan there.

Do you like coffee, or tea.

Funny, often when l'm getting into bed of a night l'm already can't wait for my coffee in the morning, one of my rituals , but l haven't even gone to sleep yet.

Thanks again.

rxx

[mmMekitty]

Hi again rxx

Up until I was recovering from having a double mastectomy (yes, a cancer found in each), & the specialist said being overweight would increase my chances of having other cancers develop in other parts of my body, I hadn't taken caring for my body seriously.

Making changes meant I was going to change the way I was living.

My diet is very different, with more fruit & veg, less carbs, & I quit coffee, (like you, I had enjoyed my big morning cuppa) & having breakfast instead. I have not had regular breakfast for decades.

I'm also doing exercises, which had begun with the physio at the hospital giving me stretching exercises, & now I've joined a gym & am looking forward to having more time there & doing some hydrotherapy.

I'm doing my best to get to bed before midnight as well,

Fortunately, I stopped drinking & smoking in 1995, so I don't need to do that now.

I just made up my mind, like when I gave up the smokes & drink, 'set the decision in concrete', as I think of it, & then there is no going back.

I realised I have to do this. No-one can do this for me. They wouldn't benefit from my being healthier, whereas I will. This is for me, no-one else.

My PDr & I have talked about making decisions based on what is in my best interest, & this decision to live a healthier life, to choose healthier foods, to do exercise regularly, to at least try to keep better sleep time hours, (I do struggle with the sleep, for various reasons), are all in my own best interest.

I'm treating myself better than I ever have.

I have found it helps immensely to have someone who supports me & is with me for the exercise. I'm glad NDIS will pay for a support worker to take me to the gym or other locations, for the exercise & to get out & into social things, shopping, appointments, as well. I have a support worker who is interested & has experience with using gyms & exercising, so that is helpful. Exercising on my own is difficult. I get distracted & lazy too often. People who encourage me & push me too are important for me, now.

One day, I hope it all becomes so integrated into my life, I'll want to get up & exercise, as if, not doing so, the day would not be complete.

It all began with small changes: doing stretching exercises, & eating breakfast, then making salads, more now it's warming up again.

Mentally, I feel better, knowing I'm looking after myself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[randomxx]

Well , unfortunately, or maybe not , it's gonna take time to think it through buttt, the gift and of how l feel , didn't work. And then a few days later we wound up into a nasty argument.

Thing is things came out with her as they usually do, one reason l've always been so hold back with her and haven't proposed or moved in together, there's an old thread somewhere.

But she's not only had some very serious ongoing legal drama , finished now but that went on 4yrs- she could've been deported, but she's also had MH problems herself to and has been on off like a light switch since the day we met.

So even as gorgeous as she can be, 5yrs and l still just couldn't trust it. She'd love bomb me one minute next it was over, again ! Even while l was supporting her all through her yrs of legal drama and MH problems.

But she could also be so loving and caring , just never knew what was real and what wasn't.

ldk, 5yrs and it hasn't changed and so neither has my trust in it, no way to be. Promised myself yrs back if it was still going on like that by such and such then l'll have to walk away. Well, it's a yr or two past that point now and it is still going on. 

Sooo, unfortunately l think we best be done this time.

rxx

[randomxx]

Good for you mm , glad you've found what you needed .

All the best with everything.

[mmMekitty]

Hi rxx

I had wanted to show that change is not impossible. Making positive changes in your own life is not out of reach for you. One decision today can bring about more decisions & changes you can make tomorrow or next week, next month & on into the future. 

*

I'm sorry that things aren't working out between you & your gf. You have given this relationship a really good go, trying as much as you can, being there for her as much as you could, throughout the legal problems & supporting her with her own mental health problems.

I understand your reluctance to end this relationship. Obviously, she has some very good qualities, & you have had some very good times together.

Think things over carefully, & ask yourself if this relationship is meeting your needs & is not having detrimental effects on your psychological/mental health. If nothing much was to change, can you see yourself in this relationship another year, or five?

I wish you well. I'd love it if the two of you could talk about where this relationship is going & what needs to happen to get to where you both are feeling secure, supported, respected, etc, along with the love.

Hugzies

mmMekitty