Just over it

[Kitty22]

Got depression severely when fifteen.  Issues at home.  Years of extreme loneliness.  All friends ignored me after a while.  Lost the ability to smile.  Used to be happy and outgoing w lots of friends.

The only two boys I ever fell in love with didn't love me back and it took me years to get over them.  I started going out with guys just to escape the loneliness cuz I hav no friends and can't seem to connect with girls.  The only friends I make are w guys then they want to go out and if I say no, I lose them as friends.

I was in love with this guy for thirteen years, and I waited for him, but he never took me seriously.  After a few years I started seeing other guys but was never really attracted to any who asked me out.  I am currently with a guy I am very dependent on emotionally, but feel I shud let him go, cuz I'm not rly attracted.  He knows this but stays w me anyway, says it doesn't matter, but it does.  I want someone I can hav a full relationship with, someone I'm in love with.  Is this childish? I don't care...

i am too scared of being alone to leave him.  I have very little social life outside of him.  I am scared hell leave me soon, but I want him to be happy so I will accept it if he does.

i started to see myself as ugly from being rejected by the only guys I ever loved.  I stopped caring about my appearance lately.

oh did I mention I've had breast cancer too since age twenty seven, for six or seven years now.  The double mastectomy sent me nuts for a while.  Still no nipples...etc...

am having counselling for the cancer stuff.  Lost my job due to this.  Now no motivation anymore.  Live alone w parents but don't get along w them.  Sick of being in this room.  Spent all my depression years here.  Feels like jail.

no one can help me.  Haven't even told u the worst stuff yet.

suffice it to say I've suffered extreme mental trauma.  I can't even explain on a forum like this.  I suffer massive fear and anxiety every day.   Terror is a better word although things may be getting better now.  I'm too exhausted to care anymore.

i don't want help cuz there is none.  I trust no one.  Nor will I.

[vip]

Hi Kitty I have severe mental trauma 3 yrs ago and ive lived with depression for 22yrs i too dont trust anybody to be honest because of whats happened to me and the people who caused it. I have friends though who i only tell them really what i think they should know i think depression does that you put your guard up immediately so you dont get hurt. I too lost the love of my life at 17 because of my depression honestly im 39 now and it probably took me the whole 22yrs to get over him. I am married with a child but my marriage has been rocky and a real struggle but with heaps of couselling we have managed to put it back together. I am probably feeling the best ive been right now and its taken all this time with medication therapy group therapies ect my advice would be to not give up keep at it . I know recovery is slow but there are many ways to see that light at the end of this dark tunnel. Take care and good luck

[geoff]

dear Kitty, if I say I'm so sorry for you, this wouldn't be anything on what you have had to go through.

We all want to have relationships where we are in love with that person, because being a hand bag is not love, it's only for convenience, which never lasts.

This double mastectomy would be what any female would never want at such a young age, and the trauma from this would be so surreal I could never imagine, and the depression you now have is enormous.

It's a new life now that you have to endue, until any future surgery is performed, and it's this time gap which is lonely and depressing.

I understand that it puts you into a corner, and one that shouldn't be so, and I can't believe that your parents aren't sympathetic and supporting for you, it's something I can never ever think possible.

I hope that our wonderful manager may have a site that you will be able to visit for support, but please this is sole destroying for you so please keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x

[Chris_B]

Hi Kitty22,

Thanks for coming onto the forums and sharing your story.  I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.  I can't imagine what it's like to be in your specific situation, having gone through a double mastectomy must have been incredibly traumatic for you.

You say that you are having counselling "for the cancer stuff"... given all you have going on in your life at the moment, it really sounds like you need some professional support from a psychologist that is more comprehensive.  When bad things happen in our lives, it's like a stone being dropped in a pond, the ripple effect occurs and it's never just *one thing* we have to deal with, and you allude to other things that have happened that you can't discuss.

It doesn't sound like you're happy with the counselling you're receiving at the moment.  There is good help out there, though.  Have you seen your doctor in relation to the anxiety and depression you're experiencing?

I hope you'll keep posting here, but just in case you want to speak with other women who have experienced breast cancer, the Breast Cancer Network Australia have a forum too:  http://www.bcna.org.au/network (please copy and paste the link)

Being emotionally dependent on one person is not a good thing in the long term, even if you are in a happy relationship.  Are there ways you can reconnect with old friends to help increase your social circle?

best
CB

_______________________________________
Online Community Manager

[geoff]

dear Kitty, but first thanks Christopher for providing this forum.

I really hope Kitty that you visit this site, and remember we are all behind you in every way possible. L Geoff. x