alone,confused, had enough.

[kay3]

im 39 and my life is sleeping, when im asleep i can escape.its hard to get to sleep.... I cannot sleep unless ive taken something to knock me out for the night.i go to bed late then sleep most of the next day. 

Ive had major depression/anxiety for years probably since teenage years, lots of different meds but they dont seem to make any difference.Nobody knows how bad my thoughts are ive learnt to hide it and appear happy and capable,when truthly im just screaming on the inside.

I know if it wasnt for my daughter and my son i would not keep going i just have no desire to live anymore.

My reaction when everything builds up is i want to just take of and keep going (run away) its either that or i feel i dont know what i would do. Im supposed to be studying but i have let things slide but i carry on and my family still think im doing great,i couldnt be bothered turning up to work this week which ive never done because i cant afford not too.

I just dont know how to live a life with out this constant

feeling of sadness,loneliness,mind consuming thoughts.

i know for sure if i had access to harder drugs i wouldnt hesitate... just to escape for a while

There is only me and my daughter living together my breakup was a couple of years ago and i didnt just lose my partner i lost my best friend and every day i have thoughts and dreams about him that eat me alive as he found someone not long after and still too this day i can not let it go, it consumes me all the time.

I know there is no real normal but i just dont feel as though there is no hope for me im not saying this to attention seek it is truly how i feel its like soul deep im constantly wondering if maybe my next life might be better.Then when i say that.. i know i have not a bad life compared to some which makes me worse because i just dont understand my thoughts, so confusing.

ive often thought id like to just check into a hospital and ask them to put me to sleep for a few days and then maybe start some type of therapy where im there and dont have to face the real world until im capable.as ive been to psychologists then go home feeling worse just doesnt help.

its 1.45am and yet again i cant sleep was extremely upset and anxious so i logged on here hoping to find some help,never written about my feelings before or really talked about it.

[vip]

Hi Kay I am 39 as well and have suffered with depression for 22 yrs. Please get to a Gp you will need to be on some medication and then a referral to a psych to sought all the issue out you cant be on your own with all this. Depression is so common now so nothing to feel embarassed or ashamed about take care and please get the help.

[Chris_B]

Hi kay3,

Thanks for coming to the forums and posting, it's not attention-seeking at all to share what you have.  It sounds like you have difficulty in being open about your feelings so to be able to write them out like this, I hope has been of some relief.

The sense of hopelessness you're feeling is a symptom of severe depression, and it won't go away by itself.  

There are many different types of medications, it sounds like you've been through a lot of them, but for best effect they are often used in conjunction with good therapy.  You say you've had poor experiences with psychologists before - this can depend entirely on (a) your rapport with that person and (b) the type of therapy they use.

Some people find that the type of therapy where you analyse your past and your feelings just makes them feel worse because it's like stirring up dirt in a bath - there's nowhere for it go.  Other types of therapy, like CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) help you to examine your thoughts and feelings and help teach you to map a new path in your brain to work your way through depression and anxiety.  CBT is just one type of therapy available, and I'd strongly suggest you get back in touch with your GP to get a referral.

You may also wish to call your local mental health crisis team and see if you can talk to a case manager.  Your thoughts about wanting to go to sleep and hide away from the world are concerning.

Please remember you can call our support service at any time on 1300 22 46 36 and between 4pm and 10pm we have a live web chat service as well that you can use if you don't feel ready to talk just yet.  You can access that by clicking the "web chat" link at the top right of this page.

Kay, I'm really sorry that you're in such a lonely place right now.  What other connections do you have in your life besides your children - family, friends, work colleagues, neighbours?

Please check back in with us.

best
CB

_________________________________________________
Online Community Manager