Just needed to vent

[bobolk]

Hi all,

I'm not sure what to say, I'm new here and I just need to get some things off my chest, events over the weekend have led me here. To start I have never been to a doctor regarding my mental health but i am sure that i suffer from depression and have done for most of my life. I was suicidal at a young age around 12 or 13 is my first memories of suicidal thoughts and a few attempts. I have been a severe alcoholic since i was about 16 and have been hospitalized on numerous occasions for alcohol related injuries and illness, most recently a severe head injury which is still giving me quite a lot of drama, with my memory, concentration and also is affecting my moods. I had stopped drinking in October last year but in November my long time girlfriend left me and since then I have had alot of trouble staying sober and have gone on several big benders all of which have resulted in either attempted suicides or trips to the er or the police station. Most recently on the weekend i fell off the wagon again and when i drink the dark side of me gets the better of me. After a rather viscous hangover i have decided I'm am going to seek professional help for both my drinking and for my mental health problems. I used to be avid skydiver and motocross rider but I have not ridden in along time due to being drunk 24/7 for the last 6 or 7 years. I always struggled to understand why i became a alcoholic and I now know that i was trying to block out the pain that i was feeling and I now understand that my alcoholism is directly caused by my feelings of depression and despair. final straw for my ex gf. I have been struggling without her as I am still very much in love with her and she still loves me a lot but she said she had to go because she didn't want to watch me die, and now she doesn't answer my calls or texts. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for my spelling and grammar I found it very hard to write this and there are many things I have left out thanks for reading.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Neil_1]

Hi Bobolk

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your story (or part of your story).

You’ve experienced a lot of trials and issues along the way and for a long time, but the MAIN thing that I take out of your post is that you have decided to seek out professional help – both with your drinking and your mental health problems.  Mega kudos to you for taking this step – I realise that taking this step can be very difficult and I really congratulate you for taking the initiative with these two issues.

So you’ve already made one big step forward – and that was to come here and post.

The next one is an even bigger step forward and that is to now MAKE those appointments with your GP and to get the ball rolling with positive steps forward for yourself.  If you’re unsure about a GP to see or if you don’t actually have one;   on this site Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s that can be searched for.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all experienced in dealing with mental health issues and as a result, they would then be best placed to provide you with the most appropriate assistance – whether it be a referral to a suitable counsellor (for perhaps mental health issues as well as the drinking), or they may even have someone who might specialise in both.  They may potentially prescribe some medication for you for a period of time as well, but that would be totally up to their discretion.

Also once the above arrangements have been put into place and that you’ve been going along this path for a while, you just never know – if you can make contact with your ‘ex’, and let her know of the positive progression you’ve made, there might be a different response from her?

If you’ve got any questions or further issues you’d like to raise, it would be awesome if you could come back and post again.  Plus I’d really like to know how you get on in the next little while with your new lifestyle.

Kind regards

Neil

[bobolk]

Thank you greatly Neil for your post it means a lot to me, it picked me up immensely, as I'm sure your posts have for countless others. I would also like to thank the beyond blue team for the supportive email and for editing my post (I also edited it for different reasons) I can now see how my original post contained material that could be detrimental to other sufferers and this is not at all what I intended.

Firstly I have spoken with a family friend (a psychiatrist) who has recommended a GP and also some medications including naltrexone for my alcohol abuse and some different anti depressants and anti anxiety medications and explained all the side effects etc that come along with said drugs but she has recommended that at present she would only advise naltrexone because I am still suffering from a significant head injury, and no drugs are good but its better than liters of vodka.

Secondly as for my ex, both my parents and my brother who are still very close with her agree its best for me and her that we don't communicate directly. As painful as it is I agree, I did some pretty bad things and she was only trying to help me, and I know if I hear her voice or see her face I will crumble. Something I left out in my previous post was that on the weekend after hearing I was drinking again she contacted me to see if I was ok, I just deleted her messages and ignored her calls. Previous to this she has not answered my calls or texts and as she lives in a private apartment building (swipe card entry) I was unable to go to her/my old place to see her (she works from home also). My family has been in contact with her and filled her in as she was quite worried as she as saved me from several attempts in the past.

 As for the future I am not sure, but even though I am down and out at the moment I know its not fair to all the people who love me and have helped me to continue down this path I have been on. I know it has only been a short period but this is the first time I have ever truly asked for help and instead of feeling weak as I always thought it was to ask for help, I feel surprisingly empowered and upbeat.

To anyone reading this that is feeling overwhelmed I beg you to also post on this forum or seek help. Even though I have only posted once and only received one reply these actions for me have been some of the most positive of my life. I have not won yet but I am far closer than I was yesterday.

 Regards

[geoff]

dear Bobolk, well this is pretty well exactlythe same as what I had been through, head injury, suicide attempts, lost my own business which was doing OK, wife taking our two sons away a few times, also tried naltrexone, and wife finally divorcing me, so it's much the same, the only problem is that I'm much older being 60, and I never hurt my wife at all.

I also forgot to say that my ex has rung me on a few occasions after our divorce just to check up on me, and has at one stage called the police to come around and check on me, but now I Iive by myself and have fought off my demons, and you may want to know how, but it will develop as this post continues.

My good friend Neil has picked up this post as some go unnoticed but I'm so pleased that it now has my attention along with BB who monitor every post and respond accordingly.

Naltrexone will only work when you are prepared to stop drinking otherwise it's a waste of time and money, although workcover paid for it for me, but I didn't want to stop drinking because my depression was too severe.

I just want to send this off so this post can go ahead, but you also say that there is much more which we would really love to hear, only when you feel comfortable. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Bobolk

Thank you so much for your latest response back;  and also for the many kind words that you wrote.  As you wrote (and I agree fully with this) by coming to this site and posting, it was such a positive experience for you – so you can possibly see why I hang around here so much.  I’m riddled with mental health issues, but I know on this site, it is (a) safe  (b) supportive  (c) I can’t think of a (c);  (d) a place where you can unload and vent   (e )   no judgement is ever passed;   (f)  a place where there are so many like-minded people who are all here pretty much due to the same kind of illness that we all share;  and it’s a really weird thing that I’m about to say.  That we are all in a way the same, but at the same time, we are all so very different – because we all have our own reasons and our own circumstances for being here.  I’m so pleased that you came here and it’s always so awesome to hear back from someone who posts for a first time.

It does now sound like you’re heading on a different path Bobolk – a path that has green grass beside it and heading towards a much nicer place;  where your path before was rocky and very unstable.  It also seems that you do have some good support networks in place to help you through the next period which is always a great comfort to have – someone to fall back on – and I’m assuming here this is via your family.  And your ex obviously cares so much about you as well.

One last thing – it takes power, it takes strength and it takes courage to seek out help;  and you know what, that’s why I think there’s still so many people out there who are trying to battle their own demons on their own;  it takes a strong conviction to reach out – and there’s nothing weak about wanting help;  wanting to get better.  Again I say HEAPS well done to you.

This is just the start though and it may take a little while to get through, but with persistence and commitment and support, I can see that this is going to be achievable for you.

Ps:   with the way you write and express yourself, and with some of the experiences you’ve been through, if you at all have the time;  it’d be awesome to have you stay and reply to others on here;  AND please please, if you feel there’s other things to question or chat or unload about;   please do so and I’ll be doing my damndest to help you out.

Neil

[bobolk]

Hello guys,

Thanks for the replies and kind words once again (Geoff I would like to clarify I was never violent with my ex) I don't have a lot to add today. I went to see a doctor today but he was of little help and when I left I was quite taken back at some of the things he said, especially from a supposed medical professional. He told me that I was "beyond help" and that I would surely "crash and burn", his exact words. I was surprised that someone who I am reaching out to for help (also paying good money) could say these things, all in all the I was in his office for at most 15 minutes, I did not even get to finish my story or explain my current situation. But if anything I now feel very compelled to prove this man wrong.

When I told him that I was previously drinking in excess of 5 liters of straight vodka a day he simply replied that I was too far gone and he didn't have the time to help. I tried to explain that I have already weened myself off alcohol (cold turkey can kill severe alcoholics and also lead to permanent side effects). I have been mostly sober for 3/4 months but I just keep falling off the wagon. By this stage I could tell he was not listening and was just waiting for the next $60 to walk through the door.

I was baffled here I am sitting in his office completely sober asking for help to control my cravings. I did not get a chance to explain that I have been having a lot of problems with suicidal thoughts and also have had some very legitimate attempts to suicide. When I asked for anti-depressants he told me I should go to a rehab center and he would get me the number. He got up led me to the front counter and told the receptionist to find the number for some program in front of the whole waiting room, then called the next patient into his room with no goodbye nothing. I was dumb founded. 

I left very down and also a little poorer, but this is not something I will take lying down. I am going to find out who to contact to make a formal complaint as this was totally unprofessional, and if I had been in a worse state his word's and actions could have had a very dangerous effect.

I am ok and I will continue to seek help. Also Neil and Geoff I do fully intend to come here more often as you two do, and I think I do have a lot to offer to others who are in pain and also It would probably help me too, I have not posted on other threads but I have been keeping a close eye on them. I have more to say but have run our of words.

Regards

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Bobolk

Dude, I'm absolutely appalled and disgusted by the way that this so-called 'professional' treated you - or should I say, "mis-treated" you.

I'm really glad that you said near the end of your post that you are going to pursue this and make a formal complaint.  I really can't believe that a doctor could be so callous and inappropriate.  Just downright unprofessional.

Bobolk, I've gotta ask though - I'd be doubly shocked though if you found this doctor via the Beyond Blue website?   Are you able to say whether that this person was from there or was he just someone you found in the phone book?  Either way, he should be reported;  and if it's the former, then B.B. should be duly advised as well.

At this time though, if you feel the need to keep unloading (and I just have an inkling that might be the case) then please do so - keep posting here on your thread.  There's a number of us who are right behind you and want to help as much as we can to get you through this current period.

Thanx again for posting and letting us know the latest.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Bobolk, thanks for replying back to us.

I can only agree with what you and Neil have said about this doctor, well actually he's a 'cash cow' that what he seems to be, 'sign here and send in the next patient', not a very professional doctor.

Click under 'Get Support' at the top of this page where you can find a doctor that is suitable for yourself, or you could ring th BB line or maybe ring the 'web chat' phone numbers that are also at the top, and they will be able to help you.

When I had abstained and this was several times my who was also a psychologist was jumping up and down with joy and her encouragement egged me on, but then there were times of falling backwards because something had happened so I broke and it began again.

To be honest with you everyone was pleased that I had stopped and always made comments like 'don't you feel much better' and 'think of the money that you are saving', but I wasn't out of my depression and told them I do feel better that was just b*******t, because I didn't at all, and the money I was saving was always spent on something else, so I didn't save it.

I now only drink on a social basis, as I am out of my depression, but I want to say to you and I would think Neil would agree with me, if I'm allowed to say that, that we believe you are excelling in yourself, it's such an enormous effort which you have undertaken by yourself even in adversity by this doctor.

Hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[bobolk]

Thanks guys,

Well last night I fell off the wagon after I accidentally found a bottle of vodka I had stashed behind the sofa at some stage (I do this stash bottle in places when I'm drinking, and keep sneaking back so no one knows I'm drinking). Even though I knew it was going to end badly I just couldn't walk away from it, I couldn't believe I was just looking for my phone and I ended up drinking until 5am. Today was also the first day of my new job (my dream job) luckily no one seemed to notice, I don't know how as i haven't slept in 4 days and I was quite drunk until around lunch time.

I also worked my self into a fair state as I was so angry with myself as I was sure I would lose my job. I also contacted my ex and she actually answered the phone at 3am as she knew I wasn't doing well and she talked me out of doing anything dangerous. This was both a good thing and a bad thing as today all I could think about was her and how much I want her back, but if I hadn't spoken to her I don't think I would be here today.

Anyway despite this I am feeling ok because my new job seems good, and I will have a month of training before I start flying to site. I am going to use this time to focus on staying sober, as I will be getting breath tested daily at site.

Once again thanks guys.

Regards

[geoff]

dear Bobolk,, the temptation is still with you, so you're not ready to give up, sorry, when you can walk passed a bottle shop during opening hours and not go in, then you have achieved what you want to do.

There is a big difference between talking to your ex on the phone than her coming back, because if she was living with you again, then all the old problems would still be there, so you would be back to square one.

We want you to keep your job and I know that you will keep sober but it's when you get home that is the worry. Geoff.