Just feel life isn't worth it anymore

[My Mishy]

I'm a 72 yo woman married to my partner for 30 years. Second time round for both of us. The last few months I've just felt so unmotivated even when I try, it's just not worth the effort. I'm in pain from arthritis most of the time and am having a full knee replacement soon. 

I sit in my chair most of the day and can't even be bothered to make the bed let alone anything else. My mind now constantly goes back to what my life could have been like if I'd been made feel loved and worthwhile by my father, but he constantly put me down and made me feel like I was totally unworthy of anyone decent to want me. I never thought I was good enough so I ended up marrying my first husband who was a mentally unstable alcoholic because that's all I thought I was worthy off. After 10 years of abuse and 2 children I feel gathered the strength to leave him. My 2nd husband was slightly better but also drank too much and had several affairs. I only really have stayed with him as it gave me and my kids security and a roof over our heads. I think this has come back to haunt me as nothing can make a difference now. I feel if I'd been shown love and affection growing up I would have blossomed into a much more confident woman and I'd have never let these type of men into my life. My brother was also very cruel to me, calling me an awful nickname that eventually everyone called me except my mother, but she didn't make them stop regardless of how humiliating it was to a 13 yo girl. His put downs have carried over to speaking nasty comments to my own children, now all adults, so I have removed him from my life too. 

I just wish I could feel some joy back in my life instead of this continuing feeling of emptiness and unhappiness. 

[Scared]

I really dont know what is wrong with people whom put others down.  My first thought would be " alot "

We learn to love ourselves from our thoughts we have about ourself.  Yes it doesnt help having your own family put you down and it makes even harder to be kind to ourself.   But it is never too late to begin believing we deserve to be loved no matter who said what to you in the past.  If you think about it long and hard why would you or me take any notice of people who put us down   The fact is they should be the last people we listen to wouldnt you agree.   My mum put me down and I worked hard on not believing the falsehood of what she was preaching.

You can also do the same.  You say you removed him from your life is another way of saying you deserve better.  Reading books is a great pastime if your chair bound and you could even get a book on improving your self esteem.

All the best

[Sophie_M]

Hi My Mishy,
Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, we can our supportive community members have already started to respond. 

It sounds like these feelings are really overwhelming for you at the moment, if you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a
call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi My Mishy

Typically, when we think of raising people, we think of raising kids. When I came to see 'raising' as a life long endeavor, it changed my perception of a lot of things and a lot of people in my life. It came to be about 'What or who raises me vs what or who brings me down, let's me down, keeps me down, puts me down or leaves me in a state of down?'. It can also be a matter of 'How the heck do I raise myself, especially if no one's ever shown me how to do it?'. Another way of putting it is 'How do I manage to do what I've never been taught to do?'.

Sometimes a sense of wonder can be a good start, a springboard into raising our self to new levels. Not sure if a new interest could involve developing the researcher in you, for example. 'I wonder how my immune system works? I wonder how my immune system interacts with my nervous system (how I come to experience pain). I wonder what forms of stress relief act as a natural anti inflammatory. I wonder who in my life tends to inflame things. I wonder how 'breaking the pain cycle' works, how it offers a chance for my body to experience relief and some form of repair. I wonder which high dose short term meds or natural ways can come to work in my favour'. And the sense of wonder continues. A sense of wonder and the search for answers can develop a person into a passionate wonderful or wonder filled researcher. Passion, wonder and research are raising kinds of feelings to be felt. 'It's all hopeless. Accept your lot. Nothing's going to get better' are downward or depressing kinds of feelings or internal dialogue to be felt.

I think even some specialists can be depressing to some degree. 'There's nothing that can be done' or 'There's no known cure for that' and 'facts' along those lines can definitely be depressing. This leads me to think of Professor George Jelinek. Diagnosed with MS in 1999, he refused to accept 'no cure' and a life that would come to reflect the struggles his own mother faced with MS. After years of research and using himself as a guinea pig, he managed to overcome MS. He's gone on to make a difference to thousands of people who've been diagnosed with the debilitating disease. Researching inspirational people who insist 'There is a way' vs some depressing people who insist 'There is no way' can be an inspiring form of research that can raise our spirits, our consciousness, our levels of dopamine and so much more.

I wish you'd had more raisers in your life, more people who took responsibility for leading you upwards. I'm glad to hear you've managed to sift out some of those who insisted on bringing you down. The sifting process can definitely present so many challenges and so many mixed emotions.❤️