Self-sabotage

[dwade3]

Lately i've been having some pretty bad episodes. im sleeping later, not eating well. rewatching a childhood tv for the 1000th time. Ditching my hobbies because im tired and dont see any usefulness in doing it anymore. There's no sugarcoating that right now, i am a loser, a bum whatever you want to call it.  I'm so low, alone, tired of taking chances, because i end up miserable all over again.  My depression is definitely a big factor in how badly im doing. But i've also been enabling it to, I've mad poor choice after poor choice. 

I also continuously lower my own expectations with my university work, because im mentally exhausted, when suddenly just scraping by is my new goal.   I have an opportunity to go overseas for something amazing and yet im still sabotaging myself.  So badly to the point, i think in my head that just killing myself is not only a good option but an ideal one , or weaponizing my depression and taking pity on myself will earn me a jail out of free card, because its easy.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dwade3,

Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like it has been a really tough time lately and that you have been sitting with some really challenging thoughts. We are glad that you felt comfortable sharing here, without 'sugarcoating' it. It is a brave step to have taken and a very real example of just how intense those thoughts can be, something others here can likely relate to.

Please know that we are here if you ever would like to talk. You can call us on 1300 22 4636. You can also reach us via webchat 24/7.   Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can sit with you in these feelings and help you to plan for your safety.  

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   

Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   

Kind regards,  

Sophie M