Hi lanarama23
My heart goes out to you as you struggle with your nan's passing on top of dealing with incredibly challenging mental health issues.
Wondering whether you find that while people around you pretty much stay the same, you've changed a lot. Have you become completely fed up with tolerating people's behaviour and wish you could scream 'Get your act together!' Do you now find some people's behaviour highly questionable but you don't question them as much as you'd like to? The reason I ask is based on some of the revelations that came to me after I came out of my depression some years back.
I recall those days, thinking 'Where the heck is everyone's compassion?!' Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself. Why wouldn't we feel sorry for our self when we're facing the depths of depression. If only others could understand the overwhelming sorrow that comes with feeling like you're losing your self. So much grief. Sorry, I digress...
These days, with a clearer mind, I can be a pretty full on person at times and I tell you this for inspiration. One of the things I noted while living in a depression was the amount of people who simply observed my mental struggle or brought me down even further. I tell you, these days if anyone says 'Don't worry, it'll be right' (regarding a challenge), I don't feel hopeless, instead I may respond with 'That's not a management plan! How are we going to manage making it right?' Yes, lanarama, intolerance serves a purpose. It took folk a while to come to terms with the 'difficult' me as opposed to the sad quiet me that was less challenging.
Have you ever found that while you put a lot of effort into trying to raise people to greater consciousness or a greater sense of contentment, you find others don't really step up in the same way? I used to really dwell on this and tell myself that I wasn't worth the effort. These days, I can find myself saying to the usual culprits 'C'mon, put some effort in; how are you going to raise me to excitement or relaxation when I'm feeling a little down or stressed?' I tell you, this lack of tolerance thing is pretty liberating at times 🙂 It's a great self-esteem booster.
Who would you be if you had the freedom to become anyone? In losing your old tolerant and perhaps enabling self, would you be more self loving in freely expressing what you believe you deserve? While being an adventurer is on hold for the short term, could you consider an identity you'd possibly like to experiment with?
🙂
