It's killing me

Guest_63852277

I've lived alone for most of my life I'm now 45. People weren't ment to live this way. I've struggled with depression for around 20 years.

My last job I was bullied to the point I was barley functioning. Anxiety in the workplace is hell never knowing if your going to be verbally abused at any time. Tiptoeing on eggshells. To make things worse I recently fractured my foot which was horrible, struggling to get around and living alone was a nightmare. On the service I appear fine but its a fake persona. To everyone I appear ok but on the inside I'm dieing. Anxiety attacks coming more frequently and I don't think my meds are working. I had to quit my job because I couldn't take it anymore and now am struggling with next to no money, bills gathering and no job. I'm still trying to find work, every interview I've had is an anxiety session, my confidence is gone. During the interviews I constantly hear the put downs that were said to me in my previous job and I struggle horribly. I've recently had to sell some of my personal possessions just to get by. I now barely sleep, feel like failure and spend days in bed. I desperately need help and don't know where to turn. I'm in a nightmare and just want out!!!!

Guest_75788531

I am same age as you with similar expreinces. It's awfull. I dont know why we were brought to this world to suffer so much.

Annas1

Hello Guest and welcome to the forums,

Firstly, thank-you for reaching out for support and being open about how difficult life is for you at the moment. I can hear how heavy and overwhelming everything feels and have felt this way myself in the past. So, don't feel you are the only person to have experienced such struggles, many of us have and do. We are probably the world's sensitive souls who feel the knocks more deeply and forget our value more quickly.

So while you are not alone and there is definitely support available to help you manage the challenges you face, there is no simple, off-the-shelf remedy for feeling more capable and at ease in the world. This is hard to take on board when we're suffering and feel that there are no solutions to our situation - and it is a truth I still wrestle with when my own triggers send me into distress. However, we can make steady and effective change in our lives with effort, good care and the support of others. The first step is to give yourself all the kindness and gentleness you would give to someone else in your shoes.

Elsewhere on the forums a wise soul advised that I take my anxiety condition seriously and go about addressing its impact and assessing my needs thoroughly. What I understood by this was to not underestimate the need for sustained and explicit effort to both get the help I needed and learn to help myself. I now recognise that I need ongoing medical support, psychological support and peer support to address my anxieties from all angles. I am also learning to rely on myself to care for myself physically (eat well, exercise, rest when needed), challenge negative thinking and feelings of shame and unworthiness, and risk openess with others even when this feels scary. I'm not perfect at any of this, but I'm getting more skilled in my self-care even when I'm feeling awful.

Do you feel able to reach out for telephone support from Beyond Blue or Lifeline in the first instance? They will have some great ideas about managing life when it all feels too much and where longer-term support can be found. There is help along this journey. I have really appreciated the kindness that I've received when I needed crisis support. People really do care.

Your needs are valid and support is waiting for you. Please reach out to one of these services.