It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

[Elsie77]

I still feel the same overwhelming full body mental pain. It is so familiar now. I'm just more comfortable and accepting of it I guess. I feel it now till it passes or I just seem to get on the next day or push it into the background. It is still there though. I let myself feel it when I have the luxury or maybe I have the control now to decide to let it have it's moment. I use anti anxiety meds to push it away when I need to. It's okay until a life event happens and then I have less control. I listened to the podcast "No feeling is final" today which reminded me of everything I've been through. I needed an online chat but they close at midnight so I'm here. I think I have to accept this is my life. I guess I've become pretty good at dealing with that. That full body pain still gets me. Does anyone know what I mean? I remember this feeling as young as primary school but was diagnosed at age 19. Im 44 now. Wow that's a long time. It is amazing that I am still here and working and seeming normal (hopefuly) in my daily life mostly. I haven't thought about my years in mental hospital for some time but felt like talking about it again if anyone out there is listening. I feel like confessimg thay I m not "cured" I am still mentaly unwell. Just a practised expert at hiding.

[therising]

Hi Elsie

Glad to hear you've got some really helpful folk around you at the moment.

Not sure if it helps any but I've come to realise, through a bit of natural observation of myself and the people I know on top of a bit of interesting research here and there, that we can sometimes work in not just a biological or psychological sense but also in a sense that connects our mind and body in a natural kind of logical way. Separating our mind from the events we can't change can mean separating our self from different aspects of dis-ease (unease). Definitely a challenge, to change our perception and our relationship with dis-ease.

• Do you feel like all your stressors have become overwhelming or suffocating? You just can't seem to catch your breath?
• Do you feel like all you want to do is vent (aka cry)?
• Do you feel like your stressors are gradually choking the life out of you? Do you just want to scream but you can't? Do you feel like there's so much you really want to say to various people, to give them a bit of a shake up, but you can't for one reason or another?
• Is everything shaking you up to the point of confusion or disorientation?
• Would you prefer to just forget everything and catch your breath for a while?

I hope you get the break you need while you're in hospital. Without a doubt, you deserve the time out and to have people caring for you.

Take care 🙂

[Elsie77]

Answers to those questions? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. As to looking after me? I couldn't remember the last time I properly washed my hair and I've washed it twice now in two days. I went down to the pharmacy /gift shop and bought myself some nice shampoo and body wash. That's progress!!

[Tay100]

Hi Elsie77

Cheers for checking back with us, we appreciate you being here.

I'm glad to hear of your progress- I hope you enjoy using the hair and skincare products. What made you able to get this point? How can you maintain it? How does this progress make you feel? For example, I feel great when I overcome something and I try and repeat the good habits that got me there so I can stay in that good mental headspace.

These are just some things you can consider and resonate as you move forward, feel free to let us know- we'll be here to keep up with how you are travelling, too. For example, I feel great when I overcome something and I try and repeat the good habits that got me there so I can stay in that good mental headspace.

Sending kindness,

Tay100.

[Elsie77]

Just checking in to say my mother's day was not good. I was spoken to in a way that made me cry multiple times and accused of being abusive multiple times in front of the kids did not fight back as to protect the kids from witnessing arguing. I'm sick with asthma nd trying to stay well enough to get to work and get the kids to school. I don't want to leave the kids if I have to go to hospital. My partner says I have been abusing him and I am being mental. I know this is coersive control, flipping the script and gaslighting. I'm not leaving.my physical safety is not under threat. I just have to tell someone so here you are. Thanks for listening. Writing a document of all things that happened today in a word document on my phone. Psychologist tomorrow who is new and not gelling with him but better than nothing

[geoff]

Hello Elsie, just wondering how your appointment went with this psychologist because your post involves a lot of issues, so we would like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Elsie77]

My psychologist was good. He gave me some stratagies and allowed me to vent. He gave me a rational perspective of what was going on. He reminded me to take care of my physical health as well. I pushed through with work but went to see the asthma specialist from work Thursday. I am very sick with asthma and on high steroid dose which I now have to start coming down from. I'm scared because this usually triggers anxiety and depression which makes everything so much more difficult. Again I don't want to go to hospital because I disagree with how harsh my partner is on our kids he says I am pandering to them and his parenting is right. I'm not talking about abuse of the kids don't get me wrong, I just mean little girl wants cuddles and then drink of water then anotjer cuddle and calls out from bedroom multiple times when going to sleep. I go into her every time. He just yells go to sleep and tells me not to. I can't stand it and go in anyway. I get out of breath very easily and need to stay in bed. Its actually very scary with severe asthma and the drugs cause anxiety which cause breathing rate to speed up which causes asthma and it is a cycle. I thought I needed hospital but then took a anxiety med which slowed down my breathing and I was okay again. If I had taken ventolin it would have increased my anxiety. I need support and care from my partner when I am sick and I'm not being looked after and feel very alone. I just am so sad that I am getting "what do you want" yelled angrily or "I've come all the way to the bedroom just for you" sarcastically. Im so sad that I am on my own. You just need to be looked after sometimes no matter how grown up you are. My kids are old enough to come and keep me company and bring me a glass of water. I just hope as I reduce the dose daily over the next week that the asthma will calm down and I will be able to cope. I am under pressure to be at school teachimg on Monday. My students have concerts coming up and how they play reflects on my teaching. If I miss any more lessons I also lose money and potential respect form parent a and staff on how good a teacher I am. My kids need me. On the other hand u just want to go it o hospital and be cared for. If my mental state declines hospital is not an option. My heather cover does not cover psychiatric as it once did and I have no confidence in the state system. Private mental hospitals used to be my safe haven. That was before kids. Life is far more complicated now.

[geoff]

Hello Elsie, and a warm welcome to the forums.

My sister has the same problem as you do, having asthma since she was a young girl, and after seeing so many different doctors, finally has found one that has been able to help her, with different types of medication, but now when anxiety and stress increase you react differently to the triggers that your asthma causes and it may become worse.

Fortunately, she has a good husband and says that this new medication has been able to provide her with a new life.

Sometimes psychiatrist's bulk bill and wonder whether you have used 'the mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year, although you maybe entitled to more sessions, your doctor will be able to inform you.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Lilith16]

Are you sure about this with psychiatrists? I thought the mental health plan only covered psychologist, which is for20 sessions now.
in well over 20 years of being involved with the mental health system, I’ve never come across a psychiatrist that bulk bills. That’s fantastic if you have.
 

[Elsie77]

There are a select few. The two long term ones that I have had were doing it out of a sense of wanting to provide care to patients that otherwise wouldn't be able to afford it. The one I was seeing has retired now but worked for years in remote indigenous communities. It is sad that you need to be well off to be able to access psychiatric care. These doctors were probably earning less money by treating me. What's more, they made themselves available at short notice several times when I was very unwell. Now my last one has retired, I am on my own and exsisting with a psychologist and the mental health plan that you mentioned.