It's been over 20 years since my diagnosis...

Elsie77 · ‎18-05-2020

I still feel the same overwhelming full body mental pain. It is so familiar now. I'm just more comfortable and accepting of it I guess. I feel it now till it passes or I just seem to get on the next day or push it into the background. It is still there though. I let myself feel it when I have the luxury or maybe I have the control now to decide to let it have it's moment. I use anti anxiety meds to push it away when I need to. It's okay until a life event happens and then I have less control. I listened to the podcast "No feeling is final" today which reminded me of everything I've been through. I needed an online chat but they close at midnight so I'm here. I think I have to accept this is my life. I guess I've become pretty good at dealing with that. That full body pain still gets me. Does anyone know what I mean? I remember this feeling as young as primary school but was diagnosed at age 19. Im 44 now. Wow that's a long time. It is amazing that I am still here and working and seeming normal (hopefuly) in my daily life mostly. I haven't thought about my years in mental hospital for some time but felt like talking about it again if anyone out there is listening. I feel like confessimg thay I m not "cured" I am still mentaly unwell. Just a practised expert at hiding.

Tay100 · ‎18-05-2020

Hi Elsie77

Thanks for reaching out- we are a caring space and we welcome your thoughts.

It sounds like you are feeling a little down, resigned to some of the feelings you are going through, including the full body pain. We hear you- that must be frustrating and overwhelming. I'm sorry to hear you couldn't reach anyone last night. Is there someone you can reach out to in real life? We can also chat in this thread. We are here to listen- including about the years you had in the mental hospital. Check back with us if you like.

Tay100

Elsie77 · ‎19-05-2020

Thank you Tay. Another night tonight like last night. Waiting for meds to help. Hoping I can work tomorrow on little sleep and high anxiety. Lots of waves of crying and full body emotions. Headache and too many thoughts. Feel I can't reach out in real life it is all too much and the floodgates need to remain shut.. Fortnightly appts with the psychiatrist who knows the situations contributing to all of this at the moment but otherwise the feelings are mine to go alone with. My partner is too inside his own stress to help and likewise I can't be there for him , only in a limited sense because my own pain is too much. My energy in the day is just enough keep my kids and job as unaffected as possible. Thanks for listening. I miss being single and sick and in hospital sometimes. I just need a rest.

Sophie_M · ‎19-05-2020

Hey Elsie77, we're glad to see you back on the forums tonight.

Although, we're sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really tough space and we know things are made even harder when we don't have family or friends there to support us. Could you tell us a bit more about what's been happening and how long you've been feeling this way? Is there anything you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing? We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

cake-o-saurus · ‎19-05-2020

Hi Elsie!

I was kind of happy to see your post, not happy that I am glad you are feeling so bad, but happy to see someone else just struggling with the idea of, yeah my life might never be 100% OK. Well who knows right? And I hope you have a lot of joy waiting for you, I know you do cause like you said no feeling lasts forever. But it's nice to be honest about the struggle. I am honestly really impressed you can keep going and working and seeming normal. I guess to me that's just an amazing achievement.

I know what you mean when you say you just want a rest. Like you are doing so much to keep everything going and I hope there are things in your life you can do that make you feel that resting feeling. I like colouring in and drawing with crayons but I am sure you have your own things that can soothe you and bring you comfort. I know you have a lot of responsibilities but if you need someone to say it to you: "don't feel guilty about taking the time you can to rest!" I hope you find some time for yourself during this time. ❤️ sending love.

therising · ‎19-05-2020

Hi Elise77

My heart goes out to you as you face overwhelming challenge. In recalling my 15 years or so in depression, I can remember one of the most depressing thoughts being 'Will this ever end?' Such wondering can be undeniably torturous, until we do come out. Finally out, I found myself on a quest for greater self understanding. I came across a book that may serve you well: 'Becoming Supernatural', by Dr Joe Dispenza (an amazing guy). It is a mind/body/spirit book but with a stunning difference; he puts it in the format of neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. May sound a little challenging but, believe me, Dispenza is a master at making such topics easily relateable to the lay person. Basically, the book is about how energies interact - mental, physical and natural energy (the energetic nature of things). There are some incredible stories of change in there.

Sounds like you already know to some degree how your body and mind naturally interact, based on the comment 'Lots of waves of crying and full body emotions. Headache and too many thoughts'. You're one of the few people I've ever come across who has eluded to emotion being a physical experience. Most regard emotion as mental. You feel the energy in motion throughout your body. Chronically fatiguing the energy systems in our body (lymphatic, circulatory, nervous etc) can be exhausting, so no wonder you feel exhausted. I'm wondering if you've ever looked into natural ways to calm your energy/systems. While breathing exercises that focus largely on the out breath (the releasing breath) can be helpful, the practice of Tai Chi is more about balance (release and restore). Tai Chi works best with a good imagination, being able to imagine energy as it flows in and out, otherwise you're just moving your body about to various exercises (kind of a pointless exercise).

Anytime we release, such as with crying, this is good. It's a release of tension. We feel exhausted after a lengthy cry because we've exhausted tension. This feeling is naturally meant to put us into relaxed mode. It's interesting how observing and managing the body's emotion can begin to influence the mind. It's not enough just to observe physical emotion, it's something to be understood and mastered in a number of ways. Our body gives us a lot of amazing cues. If you google 'Mastering the body's emotion' it may give you some ideas to work with.

It's said that the body stores mental emotion. We don't realise it until we begin to feel it.

🙂

Tay100 · ‎21-05-2020

Hi Elise77,

Thanks for checking back in- what you said about just needing a rest, a break, actually resonates with me. Especially during these times where it so hard to be productive. I'm sorry you have struggled to reach out to your partner or anyone else in real life- does the psychiatrist sessions provide you with any relief?

Sending kindness,

Tay100

Elsie77 · ‎25-05-2020

I so much appreciate everyone's comments. I have been forced into rest as I am now in hospital with asthma. Not looking after myself and
not eating properly,forgetting my preventors, increased smoking (by that I mean 5 or 6 smokes a day rather than two). All symptoms of my stress have contributed to picking up a virus, confirmed not covid! and now am in hospital so the rest I needed has happened albeit not under ideal circumstances. Of course that means I am on steroids which then affect my sleep and moods and I now have more time to stew over my worries. My psychiatrist is very helpful and sometimes feels like the only voice of reason in my life so I am very happy with him. It is tough right now. My life problems include my Dad having cancer (we havemt seen him ince his diagnosis because of covid) and an upcoming family court hearing with my partner's ex concerning his children whom I love as much as my own. Trying desperately for this not to affect our two kids and now they re missing me as I am in hospital. My seven year old cried as we said goodbye. My 10 year old is being very brave. It is a heartbreaking time.

therising · ‎25-05-2020

Hi Elise77

From the heart, I'm wishing a speedy recovery for you and one that brings you the ability to leave the hospital with a new powerful perspective. I'm wondering if you can request speaking to someone while you're in there, who can help with some of the mental well being challenges. With an inability to sleep, it's important the staff treat this as a factor that impacts your mental health further. Also wondering if you have anyone who can help set up a video connection between you and the kids while you're in there.

Look forward to hearing of your progress.

Take care

Elsie77 · ‎26-05-2020

I spoke to my psychiatrist today. I suggested that my asthma flare was linked to my stress levels to which he replied the equivalent of the word duh. He didn't use that word, I can't remember exactly what he said but he has quite a way with words lol. Anyways the crux of the matter is that the current events in my life are making me physically ill. I have been reminded regularly of the severity of asthma. In short, it kills. My challenge now, to separate my mind from the events in my life that I can't change. I actually do have the ability to potentially have an impact on my family's situation and i want to keep trying but it is not guaranteed and I may keep making myself sick in the process. I continue to have attaks of rapid breathing, crying, that choking neck feeling that comes with panic, shaking, confusion, memory loss. Nurses here are aware and I have medication if needed. Breathing my way through the day. I know many on this site understand exactly what I'm talking about! I'll keep you posted...