Is this Depression?

[cjh86]

Hi, everyone. My first time here (just joined).

Anyway, is this depression, or does it sound like it might be?

I have very low self-esteem and always feel like others are "better" than me. There's no reason for me thinking that, and I know at heart that it's silly and that I have the respect of friends and colleagues, even senior management (I'm a school teacher), but there's still no getting around the feeling. It only takes one bad incident for me to think it's all too hard, and then I retreat into myself and internalise everything. I'm a great listener, but not a good talker. I drink too much alcohol, but I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. Having said that, I'm from a family of heavy drinkers/alcoholics (father, both grandfathers), so it could get worse. I often think there's no point to life, but I think of it in a more philosophical way - what's the point of anything, really, when we're all gonna be dead in 100 years? Does it really matter if you die at 40, 60 or 90? What impact can you possibly make in the world? That kind of thing. I've thought about suicide, but only to think that I'd never do it. I suppose I'm just imagining what it would be like, rather than actually considering it.

I love my daughter deeply and would never leave her for anything. My wife also thinks very highly of me, as do my mum and siblings. 

I think I'm a talented musician, but would never have the confidence to go and pursue it it a meaningful way. That's a significant part of my thinking in my mid-40s: the failure to live up to potential. Yeah, that's the hardest thing, and it gets worse as I get older.

It's hard to explain. A friend of mine with serious depression (twice a suicide attempt) said to me, "Oh, you've got depression. You just deal with it better than me." 

I did the 10-point quiz and came up "moderate" (score 22), which surprised me. I thought it would say,  "Go away. You're fine."

Just wondering what you all think. Grateful for any replies.

Thanks.

[Neil_1]

Dear Get Smart (did you get that?   cjh86 - and 86 was Maxwell Smart's number in that great show;  ok, so I could have called you Max or Maxwell - perhaps I will).   sorry for the over the top intro.

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I think your friend is correct - with all that you've written, take it from one who's been dealing with depression for a long long time - pretty much all that you've written, I've either thought of or still have those feelings.

It is very pleasing to hear that you've got a wife who cares for and loves you (and I really hope that those feelings are vice versa - no doubt they are).  And your beautiful daughter as well.  thank for sharing that.

I can tell you right now, that you are not alone - and it's been a great positive step by you to come here and post.  Also to take that test and also discuss it with your friend.  Good signs there "Max".   Hey, if you'd rather something different, just let us know.  🙂

I think now your next positive step is to get to a GP - because battling depression on your own is really a 'no-no'.  We need external help - professional help and guidance/support.  If you don't know of a good GP, on this site, Beyond Blue have a listing of GP's who can be searched for.  Hopefully you can find one or more in your local area - the thing with these GP's is that they are all fully skilled in dealing with matters of mental health issues.  So going to one of these GP's would be a great thing to do - from that they would be able to give you a proper assessment and diagnosis and would be best able to advise you or refer you on for possible counselling if need be.

I hope that this message has helped a bit - and I do hope you can come back and respond again.

Kind regards

Neil

[white knight]

Hi cjh86, welcome also to the forum

Neil, as always is spot on. Yes all the symptoms you listed I've felt plus ultra sensitivity, however I also have dysthymia and bipolar type 2. 

Your GP then anything he suggests. Depression is life long illness. It important to manage it as best as you can.  Even with the most ideal medication and most appropriate doses you'll still have your days, but many less than otherwise.

Good luck and welcome here.

[TrustJesus]

In the interim period while seeking a medical check-up cjh, I would try walking and jogging for 30 minutes daily either with a dog or by yourself. Just realise that stress and alcohol daily builds in our systems and a release is required in some way or another. To release this build up in a healthy way for our systems, daily 30 minute exercise is essential in releasing these stresses and toxins.

The boggy down feeling is an indicator however low self esteem not always. I have girlfriends suffering from depression, work colleagues, the odd extended Family member had depression, and 2 out of 4 were not suffering from low self esteem..

With daily exercise, the blood pumping, the use of light dum-bells or  bar-bells, swimming, walking, jogging, and/or cycling daily, you may be able to nip this in the bud if not genetic through daily exercise.

I would take time out to write your feelings down, identify when you commenced feeling this way, changes in your life - both work and socially, the pressures, the stresses, the reasons 'why' you feel that you need to 'live' up to Bosses and Colleagues, and if this is the ongoing requirement within your profession, you may need to look at changing your work and your work environment ie doing something entirely different within the teaching field for similar or more pay!

Perhaps you are being called by God to do something different which may be teaching for a time in a different field in a different place for a break!

Kindest wishes

Kindest wishes

[geoff]

dear cjh86 or max, if you want to be called that, and thanks for having the courage to open up to us.

We can answer the questions on the depression test in, well a way to suggest that we are middle range, and please I am not having a go at you in anyway, so please can you hear me out first.

People who are in denial do this just to convince themselves that they are depressed, so they can tell everybody that they have done the test and it came back with a low figure, can I give you an example, one question is 'does your future seem hopeless', so the range is between 'just a little' up to 'moderately', so the variation can change from one day to the next.

Your friend has made a comment because he is seeing you wearing your mask, and in reality he doesn't know, because I believe that you do have depression, and all these thoughts are how depressed people feel, and perhaps still happen to those who have overcome depression, but then we brush them aside, so they don't worry us.

I ignore what your friend has said, but what you need to do is to start to begin your own help by seeing your doctor, and this is important, because you can't do this by yourself.I t would be great to hear back from you. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Hi CJ,

I guess what I would add here is that it doesn't matter if it's depression, low mood, perfectionistic thinking or something else entirely. What matters is that you feel flat, and this is impacting your daily life.

Neil is right, a trip to the GP is your next step. If you are referred to a Psychologist then be sure to ask your GP for a mental health care plan, This will waver the costs of your first 10 sessions of therapy.

A lot of Psychology practices also offer group classes, These can be helpful for specific concerns. For instance a self esteem group, or a perfectionism group.

Alcohol is never a good mix with low mood states. It gives you a short term high but then a longer term low. I'd try cutting down on the alcohol immediately. You mentioned you weren't an alcoholic, so if this is the case I'd cut the alcohol out completely.

Any thoughts related to suicide, not feeling life is worthwhile need to be taken seriously. Please ensure that you raise these with the GP.

Will you let us know your plans? We are all here to support you, however, you need to take the next step.

AGrace