intimacy and mental health

[AGrace]

Hi all,

I just reread the community rules to check if this topic is appropriate,  it appears that as long as I feel comfortable sharing with a stranger then im safe. I will however choose my words wisely. I apologise if this has been discussed before, I couldnt find any similar threads.

My partner and I have been together 5 years and are both very much in love. There is only one slight issue and thats loss of intimacy. I say loss because I know it was healthy before. My partner has taken on the role of my carer while ive been battling with mental illness and now I have this strange feeling that he finds it difficult to be intimate with me. Ok, its not strange, its real. 

Over the past 6 months ive found myself having to raise the issue with on a monthly basis him to reengage in intimate acts. So here we are 6 months down the track and I think if I dont raise it again it will never happen. The problem is I dont want to have to ask for it or have discussions about it all the time. Firstly it leaves no room for spontaneity,  and secondly it leaves me feeling very undesired. 

In the past he's mentioned the scars I have make him sad but unfortunately I cant remove them. Ive also put on weight thanks to medication and lifestyle changes, but he consistently tells me he still loves me. I dont want a brother or a friend, I want my partner back, but because I feel like my mental health is such a strain on him I dont want to force him to do anything he doesnt want to. 

My Psychiatrist informed me that my medication could result in loss of libido but fortunately (or in my case unfortunately) its had the exact opposite effect. 

Does anyone have some words of wisdom that they'd be comfortable to share.

Thanks:)

[Bruce_Wayne]

Hi AGrace, sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. 

My partner and I have had some intimacy issues before but now we are moving towards a very a healthy sexual relationship too (don't mean to rub it in, so to speak!). 

The element of spontaneity and going with the moment is very important I feel but sometimes you need to feel comfortable doing things slowly and deliberately before you can both feel alright going for it when the mood strikes. 

The first thing I think you could try and do is establish what's sapping his drive? Does anything turn him on or get him particularly excited? If he's

suffering from low libido there's a number of natural herbs out there that increase sex drive, pleasure, stamina and over all enjoyment. 

 I'd double check and do some research to make sure it doesn't interfere with anything you or he is taking and if there's another problem underlying his hesitation to the bedroom it's just going to make him feel pressured (which will definitely NOT help). 

You're trying to establish communication which is great, personally I'd try to inject some humour into discussions about sex (self depreciation works a treat) which will help you both feel more comfortable being relaxed and enjoying yourselves.

Hope this is helpful. 

Bruce. 

[Princess]

Hi A Grace and followers of A Grace's thread.

Let me start by saying that for me I've lost all drive in the budoir since the depression settled in for the long haul.  I am very aware that my hubby is 'missing out' but he is understanding - and then the voice inside my head says "yes but for how long".  I can't help the way I'm feeling.  I've always been everything to everyone including hubby in the past and now he has to be everything to me.

I don't want to be intimate just because I feel guilty but I also don't want to lose him either.  During my introduction to depression I did say to him on more than one occasion that he could leave as I didn't want to be a burden on him.  He replied that he wouldn't ever do that because we were married 'for better or for worse" - guess he got the 'worse' end of the deal.

I've only had 2 session with the Psychologist but both times my husband was there.  The Psycologist did ask him if he wanted to leave (in case he felt uncomfortable or that I wouldn't say everything that was on my mind). She also asked me if I wanted him to be there and I said I didn't mind - in fact I find it easier to talk about him to her while he is there (does that sound weird??).

He's been my tower of strength during all of this and knowing him, he's read up of everything and is 'careful' with what he says to me and how he asks questions.  I am very lucky to have this kind of support I know, but in the back of my mind that 'voice' tells me that his first wife was a diagnosed schizophrenic and that ended before he knew of her condition.  Now along comes wife No 2 ... me and I have depression.  He must be wondering what the heck!!

AGrace - my advice to you, encourage him to come as it will do both of you good that way you both know what's going on.

One of things that I 'discussed' in my first counselling session was about my being interfered with as a child and also an attempted rape on me when I was 10.  My hubby knew bits and pieces of what happened but he heard a lot more during the session and I could see how upset he was and I think this also has kind of put him on tenter hooks??  Can't change the past and I've had counselling for this before but somehow it always gets brought back into discussion.

We'll all be waiting to hear more from you AGrace.  We all care about what we are going through and just 'talking' about it on this forum is great.

Princess x

[Bruce_Wayne]

It's frustrating when issues arise around sex in a relationship as it's often where our self esteem can be the most delicate and this can make it difficult to address problems without hurting the other person.

Aside from these intimacy issues it sounds like you've had a very strong and supportive relationship with strong lines of communication. In my experience developing a non - judgemental, fun, considerate and relaxed attitude toward intimacy and all things sex related is a great way make each other feel more comfortable and open in addressing things that might be getting in the way (admittedly this might take some time and is more difficult if one of you experienced some sort of trauma in the past). 

It sounds like your boyfriend is facing some obstacles in his own mind and I think that's probably the best place to start -  see how long he's been feeling down and go from there. 

On the other hand, if libido is really the only issue he's facing there's a number of things you can do to help that. 

Finding out if anything turns him on or what excites him in particular is a good step forward. 

Someone suggested foreplay earlier, maybe he's really stressed and a massage or sharing a bath or shower together might help him relax. 

II hope things are going well, hope I've been helpful. 

Bruce. 

[AGrace]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your replies.  Its been a while since I posted an update. So after telling me that he would think about coming to my Psychiatrist,  he eventually declined. I then offered for him to seek help from someone else, an alternate therapist who could be there just for him. Again he said he'd think about it, its been 4 days and ive had no response. 

Now when I ask how he's travelling he gives me the im ok answer.

We were intimate very recently and it felt like we were robots. There was no enjoyment and no real spark or passion.

I can tell that he's trying to give me attention,  kissing, cuddling,  foot rubs. Its just that when we get to the bedroom everything turns sour. I don't want to tell him he needs to read a manual, or some erotic fiction. But I so wish he would!

I love him dearly, but I don't want this to be the way things are for the rest of our lives.

I feel stuck!!

AG

[Bruce_Wayne]

Hmm maybe give him some space and time about seeing a therapist (seeing a different one might make him more comfortable as you suggested)? 

Foot rubs are definitely nice! If things feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable you could try encouraging him when he does do something right (even if it's just briefly) and tell him how good it feels. Supportive, enthusiastic communication is great in the bedroom - if he's doing something you don't enjoy you can try whispering to him some guidance: 'I like it when you do X, do that slower or faster.'

If he's tense maybe surprise him with a back massage (you might find he'll return the favour!) and find some music you both enjoy (I like Radiohead's In Rainbows album), it might help relax you both. Also leaving not feeling pressured to get it over and done with -  give each other plenty of time. I understand with your daily lives it might be hard to try and fit this all in but try and find a night where you don't have anything on maybe share some nice food together, something decadent and delicious! 

A key point I find in the bedroom is treat how you want to be treated, set the tone and pace, kiss slow, don't rush, smile and enjoy yourself. 

Again hope I've been helpful and not just pointing out the obvious! 

Good luck, hope to hear from you soon AGrace  🙂 

[AGrace]

Hi All,

So I've had some positive progress. 

My Psychologist recommended a book for my partner and I called The 5 Love Languages. Its written by a man who has spent some 30 years in marriage counselling. I don't want to become a walking advertisement for his philosophy,  that each of us communicates love differently, but my partner and I have found it very useful. He also has a website where you can find out which love language you speak and respond to, and in turn your partner can do the same. 

Anyway we've experienced lots of positive change over the past week or so, which is doing wonders for both of ou confidence levels.

AGrace

[hannalogy]

I've heard of that Love Languages book.. it's pretty great 🙂