I can't ride the roller coaster anymore.

[White_Rose]

I thought I was getting on so well and now I am back in the hole. I don't want to try anymore.  It's just too hard and I'm tired of everything. I've tried to help others and thought I was was not doing too badly with life. I know it's good to talk to others, even via this forum, but no more. I just can't go on.

Can anyone give me a reason?

LING

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[AGrace]

Hi LING, 

Sorry to hear that you're struggling. You are so wonderful at giving advice to others. I know so many people on the forums have felt your support. 

Now it's time for us to support you.

I could give you a million reasons but the most important is because you can. Don't let it beat you, you're stronger than it will ever be. Dont let it break you, you deserve to be whole.

Take a breath, and then another, get through tonight because there's opportunity in tomorrow. I know it's hard, harder than most could ever bare, but you've gotten through before and I believe you can do it again.

Try to use some distraction tonight, and if possible get some sleep. We'll be here tomorrow to help you keep fighting. Please call Beyondblue during the night if it gets too tough, there's always someone waiting to listen. 

AGrace

[MumRunner]

At a time when I've felt abandoned, invisible and worthless you were the one that, despite your own pain, took the time to bother replying. To have someone reach out got me through another day, gave my young children their mother for a little longer, more kisses and hugs and love for them they otherwise would have gone without. I don't know if it's enough, but if they knew it'd mean a lot to my children.

[geoff]

dear LING, I am just coming off a relapse and probably my worst in 9 years, not that they happen often, but it took me back to where you are now.

I couldn't offer any support for those wanting it on this site because I couldn't think clearly, I couldn't rationalise my thoughts, and if it wasn't for my son and indeed a friend who was returning the favour I would still be in a mess.

My son organised everything in the new unit as much as he could in a day, and my friend, well he was so unbelievably great in dismantling my garage with all the shelves and bits and pieces that I just couldn't do it by myself.

Now I getting back so the slump is now passing, and you have been so great and thoughtful to so many people, we all know what this feeling is like for you, so have a rest, just I did, try and recover your strength again, we don't know how long this might take, just like no one can predict how long our depression lasts for.

You have been fabulous, but at the moment that means nothing really when you feel the way you are, so please look after yourself, you deserve it. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dear Ling, just as others have said to you-you are a very special person & like all of us you are experiencing the onset that can happen to us at any time with this illness. I don't know if it helps but you've been through really tough times before & come out the other side. When your hit by a relapse it's hard to remember that & to believe there is hope again. Your an incredibly strong compassionate & caring person-that hasn't changed. What you need now is support for you to get through this time. Many people here care deeply & we are always here to listen & reaffirm the great person you are. Lve Mares x

[White_Rose]

Guys (In the non-gender sense)

Thank you for your messages of concern and support. It was so unexpected that I had a bit of a cry when I read them. You have said some very nice things but at the moment I feel I cannot relate to them.  I know I have felt bad in the past but I cannot remember how I got past it.

It seems to me that I should not be bothering people with my feelings. I know you have all been here and understand what's happening. Unfortunately I don't seem to know why it's happening.  At least I know that I am afraid of the future.  I do feel alone and that's because I feel abandoned. The wonderful psych who has been helping me says I am able to manage on my own, so our sessions will end soon.

It seems so stupid that I am upset about this. Anyone would think I would be pleased and I should be. The problem is that I do not believe I can manage.  I need, or perhaps just plain want, someone to talk to who understands how I feel and all the background stuff. I still need to talk about this stuff without the usual comments about forgetting and getting on, or worse the silent disapproval of me and the impatience. Wearing the mask and keeping quiet are no longer options.

The only thing that has held me together for the past 18 months is the care and compassion of my GP (who is on holiday at the moment) and the care and compassion of the psych for the past eight months. I know I have grown stronger but it is still so overwhelming. Every time I go to church I am faced by this person and I find it so hard. I am a bit stubborn and see no reason to give up my church, even to go elsewhere.  I tried that and it made me no happier, and I felt I was giving in.

Why should I give up the last bit of comfort I have? So to be told I am going to lose an enormous support is devastating. Probably sounds stupid and trivial I know, but I am trying to rebuild my life and it's hard. It seems to me that I am far too demanding, that I expect too much and don't put in enough effort. I really did not expect to fall apart so far.

This psych offered to help me, pulled me out of hole I was in, listened with so much empathy and helped me find my way again. Maybe I have just got too dependent. It's been an incredible journey and now the bottom has dropped out. I can't see the road ahead and I want to stop fighting and struggling. It seems the light was not an exit after all.  Now I am tired, weary in every way and I want to rest.

I will try a bit more.

LING

[AGrace]

Hi LING, 

The decision to terminate your Psychology appointments needs to be a joint one. You can continue seeing them for as long as you need/want.

I so understand the feeling of abandonment, I have BPD so its my biggest fear. 

Whether you have become dependant or not is not the issue,  your Psychologist has a duty of care, and ceasing your sessions when your GP is away is not ideal. 

You're right, the light is not an exit, there is no exit, this is your life and you don't get to escape. There's no giving up or giving in you just keep going and when it gets dark you use every last bit of strength to keep moving forward. 

This may be blunt but there's no cotton wool to wrap you in, all we have to give is hope but you need to be willing to take it. You read all the posts and were surprised, you shouldn't be, we've never said we'd give up on you, we're all still here for you.

Whether you believe it or not you WILL get through this.

AGrace

[White_Rose]

Wow AGrace. Tough love eh?  But you are right. I have felt so unhappy that all I can see is the never-ending struggle and need to do it all alone. I suppose I cling on to anyone who helps. I have always known that I will not see the psych for ever and a day. It just doesn't work like that.  I thought it would be a bit longer though.

There is no set date for me to stop meeting the psych but now I know that he is planning for this I am wary and scared. I suppose my experience is sufficiently limited with psychs that I do not know really how this works. I would love to feel I had some contact for a long time yet.

I keep thinking I've done something wrong or I'm not working hard enough. Perhaps I'm not worthwhile enough, but I know this is not really true. Psych exist for people like us. If no one had problems they would be out of work.

I am feeling less anxious. Trouble is that next time I see the psych it will all start again.  So I will talk to him about this. Meanwhile, back at the camp, I am starting to rebuild myself one stone at a time. I do not believe I have the energy to help anyone else for the time being.

Thank you all again. I feel so supported by the people that matter, the people who know what it's like. And it does make me feel less like a freak, more like a person.

Cheers

LING

[HelenM]

Hi Ling

your psych will not be surprised by your fears. Many people feel dependent on someone who has got them through so much. I think you fear the unknown and you're not sure that you're strong enough to go it alone. You're certainly not silly.

I think lots of people here have felt that they just want to give in but instead somehow we plod on. We don't know how we're going to get through it but perhaps out of sheer habit we carry on. There is no alternative.

I presume there is someone at church who is not very nice. You're right to keep going, it gives you comfort.

Take care, Helen

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

I'm sure you're right about the psych.  It's amazing how when I come across something unexpected I just fall apart.  I know it's par for the course but I have still not learned to manage.

As you say, we just keep on because there is no alternative. I think that's why I am upset with the psych saying I can manage. In the end we all manage one way or another, with or without professional help. What the professionals do is make it a little easier to cope and hopefully reduce the time spent in the worst part of our lives. No one can take away the pain we experience but we can learn to reduce its impact.

Thank you for your post. I am so blessed to have these expressions of care and it really does help.

The person at church is the priest who has made my life hell for two years. Unfortunately he is supported by the hierarchy. Sound familiar? Not the same reason though. Now that I have made the decision to return I can largely ignore him. Not always easy but I will not let him dictate what I do any longer. That at least is one battle I believe I am winning.

Cheers

LING