Im not coping

[Captain T]

Hi all. I just need to get this out somewhere. I am in a very dark place. I feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and have so much emotional pain yet feel numb at the same time. Im alone and lonely. I hate myself and who I am. I am so tired of fighting to get well and when I go to bed I pray to not wake up. I can’t keep going on like this. I need to get better

[Captain T]

Hi Sophie M

I did try to call for help but I just don’t have the confidence to ask. I’m not sure what to say. Maybe I’ll have more courage tomorrow. I’m not in a good place. I have SH urges but I am resisting them. I am safe.

Hi petal22

I haven’t been able to get in to the gp but I will try ringing again in the morning for an emergency appointment but they are hard to get.

Maybe being in such a bad place is why it’s all coming forward. They have always been there but I’ve always been able to push them to the back. I’m hoping that when I see the psych in 2 weeks that she will help more sort through them and deal with them. I would love to be able to forgive and move on. As I’m working on myself through this I can see what it has done to me. I have never felt worthy of love. I’ve never felt that I’m good enough and I’ve never had any confidence in myself.

While I’m not in a good place at all and I can’t move on from this negative head space I do think that there is some progress in sorting through things. I’m learning some triggers but still need to work on stopping them. It’s one hell of a ride.

I am hanging onto the hope that you are giving me that I will get through and I will be stronger for it. A friend has actually said the same thing. She also said that it will take months just like you keep warning me.

Thank you for the glimmer of hope you are giving me even though I can’t always see it.

Captain T

[Petal22]

That's great you are going to try to get an emergency appointment with your gp, I think that just discussing with your gp about the way you are currently feeling and experiencing will help you.

I agree Captain t when we are in a bad place things seem to come forward more for us but once we deal with these things our internal world becomes more calmer.

I can see that you are starting your inner work and I think that's great, our inner work is the best work we will ever do it will grow you in so many ways.

Our perceptions can always be changed Captain T.

Sometimes from childhood we are conditioned to think in certain ways but while you are in therapy you can learn how to challenge and change these thoughts and beliefs to your own.

You really can change you perceptions and once you do a whole new world will open up for you.

Congratulations in making progress..... bit by bit day by day.

Im glad that you have been able to speak to a friend.

It is a journey and yes it's a hell of a ride but believe me you will become a stronger version of yourself just keep on working at it and stay positive to the fact that everything you are going through won't be for nothing you will get a newer stronger wiser version of you and your life will change for the better, you will rise up.

Your growing, transformation sometimes is painful but once you truly transform you will begin to fly.

[Captain T]

I’m so so tired. I’m going to sleep so I can’t do anything that I may regret. I feel like I have nothing left to fight with or for today. I’ve already spent most of it asleep. Shows how useless I really am.

[Captain T]

Couldn’t get in to see the gp I have an appointment booked for 28th July. I’ll try again in the morning for an emergency app.

Trying so hard to deal with this. Trying so hard to grow but it’s just not working.

I start the day ok but as mid afternoon hits I just go completely dark. By the time for dinner I’m in complete despair and have loss all hope and all fight.

This is when I struggle to keep going. All I want to do is give up completely. I so had enough. I can’t keep doing this. It’s getting so hard to hang on. I just have to live for the okish mornings I get.

I just have to get this out to keep me safe.

sorry

[Captain T]

I’m so so sorry guys

I need some advice

I have woken up in a better place as I seem to do. I need to learn what to do to stop me from getting to that place by mid to late afternoon.

while I’m still pretty flat in the morning I can cope and accomplish things. I can do a little bit of housework before I feel like I can’t be bothered. So I’ll have a break and just chill then I can do something else. I feel like I can function and push through.

After I have walked the dog and come home as the temperature drops so do I. I need some help in working out how to stop the complete despair taking over as nightfall starts.

I have so much to work through and I’m trying to sort through my mind in my clearer hrs. I have been writing thoughts down and the hurtful words of my childhood hoping that it will ease them. However when it starts to get late I feel like they just keep circling.

I have no motivation to make dinner I just watch tv and play games on my phone.

I think that nightfall is a trigger and that the lower temperature is a trigger. Today is overcast and raining so that may also be a concern. I can’t change the weather or night so how do I deal with these triggers.

I really hate this ride. I feel like a semi functioning adult in which I have a little fight in me and have the strength to disengage those thoughts.

I do feel as though I am making slight progress as at least I’m no longer waking up in complete despair. I just don’t know how to keep it throughout the day and into the evening.

At night when I’ve had enough and just can’t keep going the only thing to hold on to is that in the morning I should be ok. It’s not every morning it is only some but even on the dark mornings I can still function.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense.

CaptainT

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

That's great that you have woken up in a better place.

Can you try to write yourself a list of some things you need to do mid afternoon towards sleep time, things that will keep you busy.

By sticking to the list this will keep your mind busy.

Do you enjoy building things?

Are you into any types of sports? Is there a club you can join in your area, maybe they do training at night? It can help to be around people aswell towards the night.

Try to google "positive affirmations" read these daily and also when you are beginning to feel a bit low it can re set your mind to think more positively.

You will get there Captain T just hang in there, it's great that you are making progress.

Hold onto hope and keep persevering.

[Petal22]

Hi Captain T,

Just another thing I wanted to add 😊

I understand that at the moment your journey is feeling unsettling it’s uncomfortable…………… Captain T anything that feels uncomfortable now has amazing growth in it for you…… so keep holding on for the ride because in the future you will look back and see how far you have come and will be so so grateful that you didn’t give up and your growth will be amazing.

Remember when you have the unsettling thoughts just allow them to be there and not fight them …….. instead read something positive…. Learn to flick the switch from negative to positive.

Have a nice day…

[Captain T]

Thanks

Im tired of the fight so I just have to ride it out. Yesterday was a really bad day. I went back to bed at lunch time as I couldn’t face it anymore.

Getting back up the darkness was worse so I listened and just let it roll through. Nothing could distract me. I couldn’t focus on anything. I tried the positive affirmations. I tried a shower. I tried a movie. I tried to focus on the rain on the tin roof. I tried meditation videos. I couldn’t do anything so ended up going to bed early before I could be safe.

I have had a slightly better day today but it’s starting to roll in again. I just have to ride it out and hope it doesn’t get to bad. It hasn’t stopped raining for 3 days so I can’t even go for a walk. Just holding on to the fact that a good morning is a little progress.

Thanks for listening.

[Croix]

Dear Captain T

I read your thread and some of it could have been me. So I thought I’d mention a few things that have helped (the most important is in the last line:)

Have you thought of asking the GP surgery about cancellations as well as an emergency visits?

I guess the idea of going to a psych gave me the same thoughts & fears. That “I had it pretty good in life so how come”? That I was so bad I was going to lose my liberty and be locked up -and all the rest, you know what they are as well as me

It never turned out that way, in fact I followed the sort of point-form note others here mentioned, written over the days beforehand and sat answering questions that drew out what I’d meant. -Worked well.

Then there was an explanation of what was being aimed for in the visits then work stated on tools to help at home and work.

I also have been frightened of what I might do when things simply got too distressing, but found out more or less in time that I could call for help. Some of the best are:

Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

Lifeline (13 11 14)
https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat

Beyond Blue Support (1300 22 4636)
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

Now the reason I’ve given those links is because they are Web-Chat lines, and for many people, and I suspect you are one, it can be a lot easier to type to a person than talk with them on the phone. At least to start with. Later it gets easier

All the above are there for you - whatever you are feeling – when you ring (maybe a short wait sometimes) - unlike here where you still get caring people but have to wait sometimes quite a long time for a reply.

Your dog sounds a really great mate -I’m a pet person and one of the things I do is take her for a walk or play

All those distractions you listed can be hard to get into -so don’t work. Have you tried coloring in? You can get books for adults to color. I find it does assist

Also to get over that fear when overwhelmed Sophie mentioned BeyondNow for your phone - It’s not quite what you expect and I can say how to use it another item

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Look, basically I’ve just given you a lot of links, however the main message is I was on that roller coaster, blamed myself and felt undeserving and HOPELESS, no future

I was wrong, if I can get to a pretty good place I’m sure you can too

Croix

[Captain T]

Thanks for your support croix

The only emergency gp appointments are available at 8:30 in the morning. So I can’t try for the next few days as I’m at work and work out of town.

Im terrified of my psych visit and don’t know what to expect. But you sharing your experience has help ease a little.

I did download the app but I’m not sure how to use it.

Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it and it is great to hear that you and the others have gotten out of this place. It’s the only thing giving me hope

Captain T