If I don't feel sad I feel nothing

[prettysad09]

So. Where to even begin. My extremely small circle of friends is getting sick of it all I am sure.... Of course they don't say so to my face, but they hang around with me less and when I try to tell them how I am feeling alone, they say not much at all.

It all started with my marriage break-up, I couldn't cope with how I hurt my ex so I cut him off completely and moved interstate. Away from all my family, "friends", my dog and every single thing I owned. The "friends" part was hurtful in itself as immediately after we announced our separation they cut me off and wanted nothing to do with me... None of them kept in contact when I moved. Instead they spread rumours about me amongst themselves, making me feel worthless.

So, I move, on my own. For the first time ever in my life I am alone... I am always lonely, I am sad, depressed, anxious and angry with myself for making this all happen. I am also angry with my ex - why didn't he help me? I asked for his help before I left (already being diagnosed with anxiety and depression) and he 'let' me go. He was supposed to be there for me!

I'm away from everyone who cares about me without judgement, although I'm not close with my family at all - which makes that 'nothing' feeling very real; if my own family don't care why would anyone else? Why would I? Why would my ex? Why would my friends? I feel like I am absolutely alone in this world now and I am barely keeping my head above water. 

Trying to make new friends is near impossible; I have joined numerous Meetup groups and I make no connections. I have tried to join social groups to the same avail. I also now have a new partner who is great, but he doesn't understand why I cry for no reason at any time of the day. He just goes quiet which frustrates me SO much and I then get angry. I also don't see a long term future with him; which also ads to my sadness. I can't bring myself to end things with him because I'm not strong enough. As I write this I feel I sound so incredibly selfish and stupid. I'm sorry, please don't judge me, I cannot help how I feel. 

I see a psychologist and have done for years now, I'm not interested in meds, and I don't feel I am progressing anymore with my psych. I will organise to see a new one and hope this makes a difference. Every minute of my day feels like panic, I feel like I don't belong anywhere and haven't for at least 3 years. How do I get that feeling back? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm exhausted.

[Lookingforpeace]

Hey Pretty (see how I deliberately left out the "sad"?) 😛

Wow you have been through a lot. No wonder you feel alone. No judgement here, neither of us is perfect (me least of all) and sometimes you just need companionship, even if you don't see a long term future. Why don't you treat this new relationship as a means for you to have a social connection with someone else and just enjoy it while it lasts. Don't worry about the future, whatever will be will be. You don't need to feel guilty about not wanting a long term relationship, sometimes people come into our life to serve a purpose and that's ok. What I'm trying to say is just take one day at a time.

I recently read an article about "mindfulness based cognitive behavioural therapy". It sounds like this might be suited to you. Perhaps try and track down a psych who specialises in this?

I also have never taken medication. I'm anxious about taking anxiety medication! Ha! But one thing that has helped me has been meditation. Try Vedic/transcendental meditation - this has been amazing for me. Otherwise there is also mindfulness meditation and lots of apps available to guide you through this.

let us know how you go

[Paul]

Hey prettyawesome,

Hugs. Wow. such a  huge bunch of different emotions that you've experienced in a short time by the sound of it. That is enough to have anyone throwing questions and judgement at themselves. 

Our mind has a way of dealing with huge emotional strain - shutdown and go numb. Lots of us find that happens which can be just as painful and confusing as too many emotions. Grrrrr Brains really do have a mind of their own!

The good thing is that you're amongst friends here. We understand the self judgement and kicking our own bum for what we think are mistakes, but really we're just doing what we can do to cope with the pain.

Nothing like a crisis to peel off the layers of our friends and find out who the real ones are. While it hurts I usually find it's a good thing - keep those fair-weather friends out of our circle. I've gone on many de-friending runs.

Lookingforpeace mentioned mindfulness. I found it really helpful because it taught me to slow down the emotions racing in and examine them without letting them take hold or snowball. I often mention on here that I have a special pouch that I put the emotions into when I've examined them, that way I've acknowledged them got the message and then let them go into the silly looking orange pouch I imagine them going to. I went to a presentation on mindfulness and ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. That's where I learnt what I've described above. It takes a lot of practice to catch the emotions first up, but after a while I also learnt to look at series of thoughts and emotions like a movie so I can go back and play it in slow motion.

Stay in touch with us here, feel free to just write what you feel. It really help and none of us mind because we do it too!

Take good care.

Paul

[prettysad09]

Thank you for your post. I will most certainly try meditation. I have spiraled a little since my original post which is why it's taken me a little while to reply and thank you. It's very nice of you to take the time to listen/ read.