Idk how long I can keep this facade up

[nobody__1]

I don’t know where els to put this, as I can’t talk to anyone els about this sort of thing. During the day, when with family or friends I’m this happy person who’s “always smiling” and making jokes, but when it’s just me alone with myself I just feel like there’s a void inside me, I feel like I hate myself, I feel numb, I have no real other way to put it. I won’t stop living my life as it’s the life god gave me and I couldn’t do that to my family, but even when I smile I know it’s fake and deep down I feel nothing, I feel like I’m worthless and wanna die as I hate myself. It’s getting to the point where I won’t be able to cry anymore, I’ll just lay there emotionless, life lately has felt pretty dull. Sorry I just felt like I needed to share. I also hate how I write all this and then probably delete it bc I’d feel like I’m just trying to get attention.

[Sophie_M]

Hey nobody__1

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. It sounds like things are really tough at the moment. It can be exhausting feeling as though you have to "mask" what you are really feeling inside and we hope that this can be a space that you can truly share what is happening for you.  
Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? It is a lot to carry on your own. We encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. 
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Please know that you are not alone in this - we are here sitting with you. Kind regards,   Sophie M