Idk anymore. I hate it here

[xanaxc]

I feel like im losing myself. I've been at home all day, doing nothing, being nothing. All my friends have been going outside and enjoying life where as I cant even get up and go grocery shopping because Im too scared of people, I hate talking to them, I hate the fact that they look at me I just hate it. I hate wearing certain clothes because it makes my insecurities pop out.

I cant even properly sustain my friendships. My friends, they're crumbling apart and it's my fault, I'm the a**hole, I'm the one thats always insulting them. Why do I always act like an a**hole? There is no particular reason as to why I'm salty. Whenever someone expects a compliment I instead give them an insult as a joke. I can't stop, Whenever I think of apologising it disgusts me, I don't know why. I'm sorry I really want to tell them that but my mouth just says nasty things instead. People used to be like that to me so I treated them like how they treated me. It took me years to understand how to be empathetic but at the same time my old habit still ruins my life.

Maybe I deserve to be nothing but a ghost. Walking around while everyone ignores me.

I am not hopeful about my future. I have no more passion, desire and motivation left to spare. I've just lost it all. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so disgusted by my ownself how could a person like me even exist?

[Sophie_M]

Dear xanaxc,
 
Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community. We hope that you find ideas, options and support from the shared experiences and knowledge of all our members.
 
No body deserves to feel like a ‘ghost’, just passing through their own life. Despite what you have said that you are the a**hole, the fact that you are seeking help to change and become a ‘better person’ would strongly suggest you’re not.
 
Have you discussed this with your friends? You may find that they find your ‘salty’ responses and demeanor to be ‘part of your charm’ or they may find comments made to be ‘funny’ not ‘harsh’ as it often depends on how we personally perceive a comment.
 
Speaking of discussions have you brought up your ongoing feelings with your family or local G.P? Voicing what has been happening and how you believe your actions are affecting others can help provide insight, thoughts, and possible options specifically focused on your issue that you may have not previously considered.
 
We would love for you to give Beyond Blue a call, it can really help having someone to talk to when these negative thoughts arise. By engaging via phone or chat the counsellors can provide advice and support, please contact either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
As you have voiced a low self-opinion, no passion and feel hopeless towards the future, we will also recommend the suicide call back service if you feel it is needed. They offer a range of contact methods that can be accessed via https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/ or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
If at any point those negative become overwhelming, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
We hope that you find the support and direction that you are seeking on the forums. Once again, we are so glad you have joined the forums and we hope that you feel welcomed into the community. 
 
Warm regards, Sophie M

[xanaxc]

Thank you but I'm unable to talk to my friends anymore, they won't listen and they all blocked me. But perhaps its better that way

[Summer Rose]

Hi xanaxc

Welcome.

I’m with Sophie, I think you’re being very hard on yourself. Most people have salty moments, even days, it’s okay.

Recognising a pattern in your behaviour with friends and understanding why it might be happening shows great insight. And the good news is that this is something you can likely change with the right support.

Given your reluctance to mix with people in the outside world and your sadness about your future, I’d start the process by chatting with your GP. Your doctor will be able to give you advice and support to deal with your MH.

From my almost sixty years’ experience in life, as we go through it, we are constantly given opportunities to learn and grow as people. And again, the good news is that we always get the chance to do better tomorrow.

Hang in there. You are not a ghost, you are a valuable, amazing and yet imperfect human—just like all the rest of us.

Kind thoughts to you

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are feeling like this. As Sophie said, it shows that you are not as terrible as you say because you are here, trying to seek help.

Everyone has bad days and we ALL make mistakes and say hurtful things we might regret. It is important to recognise this and apologise if you can. It is awesome you have recognised your actions and want to change. That means it is possible given the right support.

As Summer Rose said, start with speaking to your GP and go from there.

All the best,

Jaz xx

[Beeee]

Hello xanaxc,

Everyone above has already mentioned this but I really want to reiterate that recognising how your behaviour is affecting others and wanting to change shows that you are clearly not as bad of a person as you believe yourself to be. You mentioned people treating you poorly in the past and so I think it's understandable why this has become a habit for you. We learn from experience and I'm so sorry that the experiences you have had have been negative.

Coming onto the forums I think is a great start to begin your process of healing. Speaking with you GP or a counsellor on the Beyond Blue helpline might be a great step to take next.

We value you here, and there is always hope for change and growth.

Wishing you the best,

Beeee