I would be very grateful for some advice

CZSS · ‎04-11-2013

Hi. I'm new here so hope I don't ramble on like an idiot. So I guess I should explain why I'm here. I quite worried about my mental health but don't know how to get help. I am a full time uni student and so can't afford the high fees and although I tried to talk to my go about this ages ago and asked about the mental health program, he shut me down and sent me on my way with a handful of antidepressants and benzodiazapines, none of which helped

So some background is that I seem to experience either being really happy or really depressed. The past few weeks I've just hit rock bottom. This weekend I have spent all my time at home ignoring the world and wanting to kill myself. It it wasn't for how my sister would cope with it I would hopefully be gone by now, but I just can't do that to her. At my lowest I came close to hurting myself and had written her and my boyfriend a letter explaining why as well as I could. But because of her I didn't and indulged in some help harm to relieve a bit of the pain. I have been self harming on and off for as longs as I can remember but have gotten a bit better since I entered a good relationship at the start of the year. I do it where it can't be seen but obviously my boyfriend can see it. During this time I have pushed him away and he's frustrated that he can't do anything right. Either he leaves me alone like I say and I get angry or he contacts me to see how I am and I get angry. And I've been nasty and saying some horrible things to him but he is nothing but nice to me

but then I'm either like this or the complete opposite. I hardly sleep and I feel on top of the world. I feel like everything's fallen into place and come up with all these grand plans. Because of this I'm studying at the moment but have done a few different courses and have almost finished my degree finally (I'm 29) but I hate it and don't want to work in the field but was just a grand plan I had which is how I started doing it. I clean all the time, even other people's houses, can't finish a sentence because my mind goes faster than my mouth and other such things. I get myself into stupid situations all the time by doing things I really shouldn't because they're either illegal or just immoral and it's like I know it's wrong but do then anyway

i have a weird thing with numbers. Can't stand even numbers in the slightest and get irritated if things are even. I write things out of my hands all the time and make them fit into certain patterns. Look I feel like this gone on quite long enough and I apologise for that and I generally try calm myself out by drinking quite heavily on a frequent basis. Doesn't really work but I've been self medicating one way or another for the past I dunno maybe 15 years.

ive had some significant life events such as sexual attacks, a major leg injury and some major deaths in the family but so have other people and they seem to be much more, I don't wanna use the word normal but that's all I can think of and I guess it fits.

I guess I wrote all this to see if anyone has had similar experiences and/or could give me some idea as to what's wrong with me. And also advise me as to who I can see to get some help with this. I just really can't cope with it anymore and have lots friends and boyfriends and really can't take that happenings again because I can't control my mouth, actions or feelings. Well yeah, I think I've gone over my time here and well thanks for listening and on the off chance anyone's bothered to read this miserable brief of my mind this far and can offer advice, I am eternally thankful.

Anyway yeah. Thanks and take care 🙂 oh I'm a 29 year old female if that makes any difference?

beyondblue_Online_Communi · ‎04-11-2013

Dear CZSS, Thanks for posting your story here on the beyond blue website. We are so sorry to hear about how hard things are for you at the moment. We would really encourage you to get some extra mental health support. It's such a pity that you didn't get more from your GP. Perhaps you could visit another GP who could do a thorough mental health assessment and could refer you to a psychologist for some counselling. We notice that you have mentioned financial issues as one of the reasons that it is hard to get some support but there is many places that bulk bill and you can get 10 sessions via medicare for free. Please call lifeline on 13 11 14 if you need support now to chat things through. Otherwise your local mental health service could definitely help. You GP can refer you to them too. We hope that you get lots of support here on this website and realise that you are definitely not alone in this, as there are many people here on this site that have similar experiences. take care and let us know once you have connected with supports,

CZSS · ‎06-11-2013

Hi thanks so much for that. I really do appreciate your help in this horrible situation I am so familiar with. I will certainly take steps to get some help as you recommended and again, thank you so much. It's nice to think that there's a light at the end of this dark tunnel

geoff · ‎06-11-2013

dear Czss, sorry it's a couple of days late, but you have some serious issues here.

Firstly from what you have written you have OCD such as, cleaning all the time and the fact that you can't stand even numbers, both of these are indications from having this illness.

I'm not sure that you know of this illness but google it and watch the anxiety tape which is on when you login.

I've had it for 54 years so it has dominated my life.

As the moderator has said that you should try a different doctor, and maybe to contact the web chat or have a look at the top where you will find a page 'to get professional help', which is under 'get support'.

Due to the fact that you have had to experience some awful events then this OCD can be developed, which is common with what has happened to me as well.

Looking forward to a reply. L Geoff. x

CZSS · ‎09-11-2013

Hi Geoff. Thanks so much for your reply. I have taken your recommendation and contacted the web chat as to recommend a good doctor. I went yesterday and am going back tomorrow to have some blood work done and then go from there I guess. Thanks so much for your response though. It was something that I always thought I might have due to a lot if my compulsions but obviously don't want to diagnose myself so hopefully something comes out of having this new doctor. I hope that you're managing well with your OCD 🙂

Vanilla5 · ‎09-02-2014

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles.

I was just curious about some of the things you mentioned, and wanted to know if you would be willing to provide more examples of you behaviours, and traits. Are there any other behaviours that cause others to point them out to you? Even the small details would be appreciated.

geoff · ‎10-02-2014

dear CZSS,, they say no news is good news, but I don't believe that saying at all, it just means that we are keeping to ourselves and suffering all alone by ourselves.

I would dearly love to hear back from you and what is happening, and please don't have any fear about disclosing anything, remember I have had to cope with it for 54 years. Geoff.

geoff · ‎10-02-2014

dear Vanilla, firstly do you also believe that you may have ocd, but a few examples and everyone has different ones but they come under the same heading OCD.

I used to swallow and count to 100 when I was a young kid and if I was interrupted I would have to start again, yuk, that was exhausting, or I couldn't step on any line in the pavement or concrete, but now I can do this.

I had to miss any trees hanging over the fence, not that anyone else does this, but it was little branches, and if I did I had to turn around and retrace or go back and do it again.

Most of these I did as a young kid, but as time goes I turn myself to do other habits or rituals.

If you want more examples then the list is as long as your arm, but I am curious as to what concerns yourself. Geoff.

Vanilla5 · ‎11-02-2014

Hey Geoff

I too used to do similar things, such as stepping between cracks, trace over objects with my eyes, or even display a series of odd bodily movements; such as needing to look at the ceiling every now and then, or looking at objects out of the corners of my eyes, as opposed to looking straight at it. I've had many of these compulsions, which others thought were odd of me, but have also grown out of these as an adult.

What I had, I suppose can be compared to a kind of OCD, though is less severe, and is more accurately described as 'stimming'. If you look up this word on YouTube, you can see many examples of this behaviour.