I don't understand my journey!

[Joanne17]

Hi

I have been diagnosed previously with depression, that was 10 years ago, but then a couple of years ago the doctor amended it to Anxiety. However I was trying to explain to my partner what it feels like, as he is struggling with my mood swings and dealing with me. He often asks me which person he is talking to today, so he can prepare himself. I am a mother of two children and I am struggling to control these swings and I feel terrible about it. I was unable to tell him verbally what it is like and so I wrote it down...

   "I do not understand myself.

Most times it is like traveling on a well maintained path weaving its way steadily through a plain landscape, nothing special, and nothing surprising, covered with yellow wheat and the occasional brightly coloured blossom to brighten the scenery or misplaced rock that I stumble over.

Then all of a sudden the path lunges in one of two directions. One direction is alive in hyper-colour excitement. All of a sudden I am on top of a mountain looking over the world and there is nothing but good things to look forward to. The pace is fast, the music mesmerising and energetic. Inspiration for fun and exciting adventures come thick and fast, and the draw to do amazing and most of the time, hugely expensive things, is irresistible. I would love to live on top of this mountain, I love the person I am when I am on top of this mountain, I love people, I love life and I enjoy every breath I take. It is better than any orgasm I have ever experienced!

However after being on top of this mountain comes the plummet to the otherside where the sun is blocked out by that very mountain, I hate it here. My bed is made out of jagged stone, but getting out of bed seems like a joke. The world is grey and the people in it are painful to listen to and be around. I am unable to do anything right and the sub-voice (I call it Vince) lives here. Vince tells me that I am worthless, I am incompetent and everyone hates me. The mirror mocks me and Vince laughs at the ugliness he see’s peering at him through the glass, how anyone could love or even stand to be near such a hideous creature is proved by the loneliness I feel within this world. Everything is dulled and I get desperate for some colour, some tingle of happiness, a scratch and the tickle is the most pleasurable thing I can imagine. The worst is that this horrible part of me takes over, it wants to embrace this horrible existence and it pushes to remove everyone I love from my life while the other part of me is wondering what I am doing. I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be left in this stagnant pit of misery, but I push him out, I scream at them, I try to force him to leave forever, I am nasty to all of them, yet at the same time all I want is for them to hold me and take me back to the top of the mountain or even the plain wheat field. The biggest loser in the world plagued by Vince and the thought that maybe leaving or killing myself would fix all this, but I cling to my kids, and hope that eventually I will find my way back to the wheat field by myself because that is the only safe place to be. While every mountain is followed by the dreadful pit, the pit is not always preceded by a mountain, this is the second direction.

I cannot control this, the journey has been better in the last couple of years, especially since the new medication, but the mountain and the pit are always there, they are just further apart lately. Today I have been in the pit; I didn’t even get to enjoy a mountain first, so I feel a little ripped off. I hate myself because there is a sensible part of me that tells me that the things I do when I am on the mountain and the feelings and things I do and say while I am in the pit are ridiculous and thoughtless and I cannot afford, emotionally, financially and physically to keep doing these things, but it is like a mouse trying to conquer a carnivorous elephant."

How do other people who travel the same or similar paths as me cope?

[JessF]

Hi Joanne, I think its great that you've given all your crappy feelings a name, a voice and a personality. Its a bit like the black dog story, have you heard it? Not only is it a great way of explaining depression and anxiety to other people, but it can be a great way to help yourself cope. Rather than being totally run over by feelings, you have condensed all of it into Vince.  And Vince is someone that, just like a real person, you can choose to ignore him. It doesn't mean that he'll disappear straightaway, but it'll help you step back from it all: "You're worthless, incompetent and everyone hates you" ... "Oh Vince, hi, nice to see you again. I'm just doing the dishes." ... this is a little trick I learnt in therapy.  

If this makes any sense, once you accept that Vince is there, you can be in the wheat field or the mountain any time you like. 

[Vanilla5]

Hi Joanne

Sorry to hear your having such a rough time. 

Would you mind at all if I asked you more about yourself? I'm curious to learn more; perhaps you could describe some examples of anything that you do, which others may point out as being odd, or different. This might help give a clearer picture of your situation.

[Joanne17]

Thank you ver much for your advice JessF. I do try to ignore it and I guess in time it will be easier too, it is very hard though when you cannot find the energy to, or when I am down sometimes I just accept what Vince is telling me.

[Joanne17]

Hi Vanilla5

So when I am really happy, I am impulsive, especially with money. I go on shopping sprees, that can come up to the $1000's, I jump in the car and spontaneously drive somewhere on a whim, taking my kids out of school and not making any proper plans. On one occasion I felt so happy and secure with myself that I danced naked in the rain in our front yard, much to my fiances horror (believe me my body isn't something that my neighbors/anyone want to see).

When I am feeling down I barely get out of bed. if things are really bad I have a habbit of self harming. I scream at my children who only want me to read a book to them. I tell my fiance to leave and never come back for no reason at all. I call him names, throw things at him and I am generally a really bad person. I hate myself, therefore I hate everyone else. I feel sick in the stomach, I shake, I cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I will be laughing happily about some joke and all of a sudden that laugh will turn into a full blown breakdown where I am bawling my eyes out and locking myself in the closet. My fiance calls them emotional episodes and for a long time he thought that they were funny and would try to provoke them. He has since learned not to. It is like if I get to much of some kind of emotion, I cannot handle it and my hormones go crazy and I flip from one thing to another.

I know I sound like a terrible person writing all this down, and re-reading this makes me sick, remembering all the things that I have done to my family, the people I love the most in the world.

[Vanilla5]

Oh my, that does sound tough. I myself have occasionally mood swings, but am not really bi polar, but understand the concept of your own emotions ruling over you.

I suppose if you were trying to put it all in words, you could describe it as surges of extreme emotional episodes of either blissful euphoria, or deep frustration.