I wish I had another body

[Tryingtostaypositive]

I think some of my depression and aniexty stems from body issues I have. I'm a 29yr old female who people find attractive and I get a lot of attention from men. I can admit I have a pretty face. But I feel my body lets me down.. And in all honestly I swear I have the rarest kind of body type in this world. Not even kidding. I've googled trying to find another woman with a shape like mine and I've come across one, that was similar but not the same. 

I know this sounds silly.. But this is only one of my issues I have but one that really really gets me down. I have no body confidence, and it's hard when I get reminded from family, strangers coming up to me making a comment.. It's really hindered my confidence that It's effected other areas of my life, especially socially. I find it hard forming new friendships in fear of judgement and also getting envolved with new a relationship. 

I'm a skinny girl, if you can imagine boney shoulders, like really Viney shoulders and a protruding collarbone, and arms when i go to move to drink from a cup they look like anorexic arms like I haven't eaten in months, narrow waist with little curves (boy body) then I have big calves! That are not proportionate with the rest of my skinny body. I have so many stretch marks but what really just gets me down is when people say "you need to eat more" "you're soo skinny" "omg your arms, they're so small" and they all say this with disgusted looks and sometimes confusion on their faces. It makes me feel disgusting and that there's something wrong with me 😞 I friken sucks. Then they look down to my legs and look even more confused and grossed out. 

so to deal with this I try to wear different clothing  so I don't get these responses, I'm limited to what I can actually wear bcos clothes look odd on me due to my unusual shape, and I try to hide my legs under pants and jeans. 

Dont get me wrong I do wear shorts but only when I have built up enough strength in me to pretend I don't have this issue and get on with life. But it's such a struggle among the rest of the crappy feelings I feel at the same time. 

I have never actually let this out, I have not shared this to anyone. I'm not looking for sympathy I think I just needed to get it out. 

[BenD]

Hi Tryingtostaypositive,

Well done for sharing. It's a hard thing to do sometimes.

In my opinion I don't think how you feel is particularly unusual. I feel pretty frustrated (to put it mildly) with my appearance sometimes too. My "flaws" are my practically transparent complexion (often leading to a very red face, in all senses of the phrase) and my receding hairline. As you say, it sounds silly explaining it like that to another person. But the feelings are there nonetheless. Also similar to you, I get people commenting on my appearance. "Are you sunburnt" (nope it's just my complexion). "Oh, your hair is short" ("thankyou captain obvious"). Even my parents say stuff sometimes. It can be infuriating.

The good thing is that at least you recognise a good aspect of your appearance as well (your pretty face). You also recognise that you get a lot of attention from men, which I know some girls would like more of. So things aren't as bad as they may feel.

Now, I'm just regurgitating stuff that my psych told me but it might help you too:

- Have compassion for yourself ("easier said than done Ben"). I know. But perhaps you are putting yourself under unnecessary pressure to be perfect, when in truth no-one really is? You literally do not deserve to feel crap about yourself. You deserve better.

- Have compassion for others. When peoplecomment on your appearance like that, most of the time they far from mean to upset you (in my experience anyway). They are just being an innocent (albeit a little ignorant) human who is most likely caught up in their own problems. That includes parents and friends. But if they do mean to hurt you by pointing out things about your appearance then they are far more insecure about their own issues than you or me.

- Balance your imperfections with your positive qualities. Needless to say, attraction extends far beyond the physical domain so don't let that restrict you. And be as objective as possible. Ask a friend for an honest appraisal. Or download tinder and see how many people add you. You'll be pleasantly surprised I guarantee.

- Try not to avoid things because of your appearance. It might save you in the short term but it will prevent you growing in the long term. Be brave (you can do it because you've already posted here 🙂

Ben

[Tryingtostaypositive]

Hi Ben,

it sucks when people make comments especially family and people who you love and trust. Like.. Why can't they keep their thoughts to themselves. Its really upsetting. But I will try to take on compassion towards myself and others.. Thank you for your suggestions.

As to you mentioning you have receding hair line. Have you tried the advance studio clinic place? 

I'm really taken back by your kind response. Thank you for your advice and kind words, 

Have a great day Ben ✌🏼️

[Neil_1]

Hi StayPositive

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post and it’s great to see that you’ve had an awesome response already provided by Ben.  I’d also like to chip in.

One thing that jumped out at me was the comments you receive from others and how they are able to say those things to you.  It irks me a lot when I hear of other people saying things like that to someone else.  As Ben rightly said, ‘no-one is perfect’ and so what these people should be doing is looking in their ‘own backyard’ first, before making comments to others.  What I’m saying here is they need to check ‘em selves out in the mirror before they cast aspersions onto someone else.  I could go on more about this, but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m saying here and the thing is, when we hear stuff like that, you can’t really slam back at them by saying something with constructive criticism back to them as that then is kind of a tit for tat thing.

By the way, none of what you wrote is silly, it doesn’t sound silly and it isn’t silly – it’s you talking about yourself and how you picture yourself which is a very genuine and very real and important topic.

The other thing I’d like to mention is how we perceive ourselves to be – and what our eyes see I believe is something totally different to what someone else sees.  I work out in a gym about 6 days a week and try to be a bodybuilder around once a year – I say try, in that I’m not overly good, but I give it a go. 

Here’s where the eye thing comes into play – I look at myself and see skinny arms and skinny legs and wish I could be bigger.  Then I’ve been told that I am big and it’s my eyes playing tricks on me.  We are often our harshest critics when we are looking at and judging ourselves.  So maybe, perhaps your eyes are seeing yourself and portraying you out to be something a lot worse than what you are.  I suspect this could well be the case.

I do hope in my above ramblings that I’ve said something even a little helpful.  Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[BenD]

Spot on about our perception of ourselves Neil. It's difficult to change sometimes - especially when we're so used to listening to the negative comments that reaffirm our negative beliefs about ourselves - but it's very rewarding when you start letting the positive comments through as well.

The compassion one is a good thing to start focusing on Tryingtostaypositive, it's a simple concept and brings immediate relief (at least for me). I will say that you ought to focus on yourself a bit more at first though, once you start to feel a bit better about yourself you will find that it extends naturally out to others. 

With regards to my hairline, I'm taking care of it now thanks 🙂 Regardless, plenty of good looking people have little or no hair and besides - I have other attributes that I'm quite content with 🙂

Ben