I've destroyed a life I loved

[MisterWolf]

Hey all. First post here. I'm a 33 year old guy and my DAS scores are through the roof for depression. I scored 36 (extremely severe) where the average is 9. I've been in weekly therapy since June last year, but only started on a SNRI last week. I think my therapist has only now just twigged how depressed I am.

I have a girlfriend I love very very deeply. She had some of her own issues around chronic illness. Together with my ongoing anxiety (which is now well controlled) a gap opened between us. Three years ago I met someone else and formed an emotional bond that moved into emotional affair territory. At this time I was trying to support my wife through major surgery and couldn't also put all that on her. Anyway, to cut a long story short I completely effed up how I handled things.

After my girlfriend recovered I told her what was going on, how I'd tried to break contact several times with this other woman, etc. We went to counselling for a while but my wife was unable to come back from the injury of trust even though I didn't physically cheat. I was just so confused by this point.

We split last July. She's in a pretty good place now. We remain friends. I, on the other hand, am completely socially isolated other than her, and right now am feeling hopeless and like I've irreparably ruined the best thing I ever had in my life. I still love her so much. But she is doing well and I don't want to get in her way. We communicate well and there's just no desire there from her to reconnect as lovers. I feel old, hopeless, like I am bad at love, and just basically broken. I don't think I will ever have that kind of connection with another person again. She really is my perfect woman and I can't beleive I made such stupid choices and ruined it all. I'm crying writing this. I kinda don't want to go on. Everything feels meaningless.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow. But I need to be reaching out to others too. So, hello.

[Jenski]

Hi

Thank you for sharing what you are currently going through, it's tough to acknowledge our own behaviour.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeking professional help, might I suggest a trip to your GP too so they are across the help you are getting. They might have some helpful suggestions too. Sometimes a different therapist is needed.

For now just focus on yourself and getting better.

Support it always on here!

Take care

Jen

[Starwolf]

Hi Mr Wolf and welcome to these forums.

Sorry to read you're in such bad place at the moment. My heart goes out to you. The end of a relationship is always painful, moving on difficult. The guilt feeling of being responsible for messing up makes it all worse. Much to your credit, you are prepared to take responsibility for the relationship's breakdown. Please remember that although your actions may have triggered it, both of you contributed to the outcome.

Your choice of coping mechanism to help you through difficult circumstances backfired. Our choices of coping props often do. You're not alone here. Spending too much time beating ourselves only holds us back, anchored to a past we can do nothing about. There's however a lot we can do about our own future and also the future of those around us.

The thing is, we humans mostly learn by our mistakes. It's just the way the brain is wired. The purpose of mistakes is our education. Sometimes the damage done is repairable, sometimes not. We must accept what happened, think it through, move on and make sure it doesn't happen again. Mistakes allow us to move on, equipped with acceptance and understanding of how and why things went pear-shaped. They're a lesson in turning negative experience into something creative.

Your ex has obviously reached the "moving on stage". Sadly, you have lost a partner. But you still have a friend and a true friend is precious, one of the greatest assets in life. Not all intimate relationships can transcend themselves into friendship. Those that do are a blessing.

You have made the courageous decision to reach out. Right now, you are grieving for your loss, a painful but necessary part of the process. You don't have to go through this alone.Your therapist will guide you through the necessary steps to put your life back together. Not an easy journey, but navigating these forums will show that the effort is well worth it. Should you feel the need for immediate support, please remember it is only a phone call away : 1300 22 46 36

Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt it will be a helpful contribution to many here who are/have been experiencing similar circumstances. I hope you will let us know how you go.

We're here for you at this difficult time.

[Beltane]

Heya and welcome to the forums.

I must say, I loved reading StarWolf's post. What an insightful and intelligent post. I really hope you might find some help in that post.

The end of a relationship is one of the most difficult things a person can go through. Both parties contribute, and both parties tend to feel a lot of guilt and regret: "what if? Why did i... Why didn't i..." These kind of questions can circle around and around your brain until you just can't cope anymore. Your ex-partner went through that stage, and has come out the other side of it. I'm not going to give you a corny pep-talk. But these feelings can be dealt with, over time, and you will come to terms with what has happened. You will forgive yourself and get to a good place again. Something i used to tell myself a lot when I was going through a painful break up : "This too shall pass'. What that means is, that everything in life will pass eventually. This terrible guilt and pain you feel will get better.

Now is not the time to beat yourself up endlessly. It is a time to seek inside yourself, to ask who you are as a person, what you want from life. It's ok to ask yourself why you did what you did, but only in a way that will help you grow as a person- not just to beat yourself up. It's a time to allow yourself to heal. DO things that help you grow as a person. Find a new therapist, or download a self-help book that speaks to you. Maybe find a support group near you. Try a new hobby- preferably a social one that gets you interacting with other people, so you can make new friends. Concentrate on healing. And if, some mornings, you really just can't seem to forgive yourself, you really are just miserable... Just try to remember "This too shall pass." It will pass.You will feel better than this.