I thought I was coping and getting better now this

[Warrierdown25]

So I have been dealing with depression self identified for about 4 years now.
I have had periods of time when I'm great and periods of time when I have been so down that every single day felt like a marathon just to get out of bed. In the last week or two I have been coping really well. Been really happy and felt like I was back on track. One of the biggest sources of my depression is feeling not good enough or not doing things well enough. A big one as a mum is everything being in order for the kids and their school life. Being late to school is something that makes me feel like a horrible mum. The last few semesters I have been on top of it with only 2 Kate slips needed. This morning the kids were making Christmas cards I was helping them. From 6am to 730. Then I started to remind them it's time to get ready for school over and over and over again. They finished them at 8. I knew then we would be maybe ten minutes late. Then when we are in the car I realised I forgot to order the lunch orders for school. So I decided to go to subwy and pick up lunch for them there. I spent over thirty dollars on footlongs drink and cookies for them. I get in the car and one of my son's who suffers severe anxiety ocd says but I don't have my lunch box. I knew at that point it was over there was no way he would go to school he already had anxiety about doing the Christmas cards and now I have completely ruined their school day. When I'm driving past the school to drop my other son of I see the activity that I had paid for them to do today had already started so I have even more ruined their day. I started wailing in the car and crying uncontrollable. I pulled over and cried and cried and cried. I dropped my other son of who really wanted to go despite all the mess I had made of it. I cried nearly the whole way home when I stoppyand apologies to my children for crying and making them feel sad and scared. I'm now home but I'm staying in the car by myself until I can get myself together. I'm still crying. I don't know what's worse the way I am over reacting or the fact I have ruined their day. Or the fact that I tried so so hard and failed anyway. I feel angry sad and stupid and idk if I can forgive myself for ruining their day. I feel like committing suicide as the only way to punish myself for what I have done. I know that's an overreaction and the depression talking and wont do that to my kids.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Warrierdown25,

We are so sorry to hear how much pain you are in right now. It's great that you recognise these thoughts and feelings are stemming from your mental health condition and we ask you to really try to keep this fact at the forefront of your mind right now. We think it is both very generous and very brave of you to be sharing what you're going through with our wonderful online forums community. We want you to know we are here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you by email as we are worried about you. If you'd like to reach out to them directly, they're available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Please remember you do not have to face these thoughts and feelings alone or wait for help. We strongly recommend you reach out now to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it. Please note also that while the peer support available to you by our wonderful online forums community of which you are a valued part is often quick, it is not immediate. For immediate support, please reach out anbd phone one of the numbers provided above.

[Croix]

Dear Warrierdown25~

I'd like to Join Sophie_M in welcoming you here, where there is a lot of experience, empathy and no judgement.

Having another set of perspectives can help a lot. From your post anyone can see you are a good and loving mother, but hampered by things like believing every slip or mistake -or something not running to plan, is a disaster and you are failing as a result.

I do not think anything could be further from the truth. I also think your first sentence says a lot

So I have been dealing with depression self identified for about 4 years now.

Why on earth live without help? Self diagnosis, even with Dr Google, is as likely to send you in the wrong direction as not, or even if right stops you from having whatever medical support you need.

You do need support. I have a reasonably controlled anxiety contrition (among other things) and my thinking was just like yours, everything my fault, I was a failure and all events that were not perfect were disasters. On top I could not keep to time and cried too.

Looking after two kids is tough, and if one has OCD it is very hard indeed, you manage though, and up at six to be with them show a lot about you. You are also realistic, taking your son home was a fine decision.

So may I suggest you stop with the self-diagnosis and go see your GP in an extended consultation, show that first post of yours to save writing everything down. Talk of you stranded in a car overcome by misery. Also talk abut the suicidal feelings. Now that one is frightening, however any competent doctor will not overreact.

If at any stage you do get completely overwhelmed go talk with the Suicide Call Back Service -more than once if you like -you do not have to explain all over again. They are sensible, understanding and can be a comfort., Sophie has given you their contact details.

The only day you ruined was yours, and I strongly suspect that is becuse you were subject to the same way of thinking as me when I had an untreated anxiety condition (no, I'm no doctor, just someone who has lived though the same sort of thing).

Do you have anyone, partner, family, friend, you can share your troubles with? It helps.

I'd realy like it if you came back and talked more about your life and what is happening

Croix