I think I have psychosis, not schizophrenia

[Earth Girl]

I had a rough time growing up (family issues, got bullied badly in Primary school and got bullied worse in high school and college by a huge amount of people, I had stressed induced tummy problems and I was really isolated and shy so I could barely talk to anyone and didn't have any friends for all those years).

Close to the end of 2012, I was having a psychotic episode and said really strange things online and then people from school saw it and were really angry at me for what I said and came to my house so my stress got so extreme to the point where I blanked out and couldn't even remember going to bed and the next day, my psychotic episode got even worse and lasted 1-3 months. My psychiatrist tried different medications on me until one of them worked and I got better again. I stopped taking my medication 5 years later because I thought I didn't need it and I was fine for a while, but then something stressful happened and I had another psychotic episode and I had two other ones that year as well from other stressful events.

When I have psychotic episodes, I think I am a really bad person, that everyone is trying to kill me (including my family and doctors), that my tablets are poisonous and I can't tell what is real and what isn't or, if it's a less bad episode, I think I'm an angel and that everyone in the world is so innocent and I sometimes experience feeling both good and bad things about myself in some episodes so one minute, I'll think I'm like a superhero and the next minute, I go back to thinking I'm horrible. 

After my second episode, my psychiatrist asked me if I thought I might be schizophrenic and not psychotic because I had more than one episode and they also thought that I might have schizophrenia because I told them that people were talking about me a lot of the time in a mean way and they just said, they wouldn't do that, it's just your mind playing tricks on you even though people DO talk about me a lot and they talk about things I did about 10 years ago almost everyday. 

I think it's more likely to be psychosis because I don't experience feeling these types of thoughts all the time - just when I have episodes.

My psychiatrist told me that I'm lucky that there was a medication that worked well for me because a lot of people don't have ones that work for them. So, does that mean that if my medication didn't work, I would live the rest if my life thinking everyone is trying to kill me? Because that would be beyond unbearable.

[Earth Girl]

* When I say people talk about me a lot, I'm talking about people who know me from school, not just random people who don't know me.

[Peppapig1]

Hey Earth Girl I know you posted this a long time ago now but I only just found out that beyond blue had a forum I was using SANE Australia's forum. I'm sorry about your childhood and school I had a rough childhood too and I had one friend in primary and two friends in highscool if they weren't at school I sat by myself at lunch and recess and I was bullied too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year in February but diagnosed with pyscosis first. One medication didn't work, but another did. I don't see things or hear voices but I believed there was drugs and alcohol in my food and fluids that they were put there by the people who bullied me at the company before it was sent to the supermarket. And I believe all the people that bullied me are invisible and they are controlling what I say and do and pushing me into the wall and tripping me over. It looks as if you believing people are wanting to kill you stopped when you started taking the medication so maybe it will return if you stop the medication.

[Peppapig1]

Earth Girl how do you know people from school are talking about you? Did someone tell you?

[Earth Girl]

Hi Tamikaanne,

Thanks for your response. I told my doctor about it and she said that since I have had psychosis more than once that it means that I have schizophrenia and that not all people with schizophrenia experience these symptoms all the time - some do just when they have episodes so now I'm pretty sure I'm schizophrenic. And yes, you are right in thinking that my psychosis would come back if I stopped taken my medication. I am very good with taken it now and I now know not to stop. 🙂

A lot of people seem to think that all people with psychosis or schizophrenia hear voices, but we don't all do and it's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't because it helps break that stereotype. I only heard voices the first time I had an episode, but i don't hear them now.

I'm sorry you were lonely and bullied in school as well. People say that they don't know what causes psychosis/schizophrenia, but I believe it's definitely from being extremely isolated, bullied and stressed for a really long time.

I know people from school are talking about me because I sometimes hear them say my name very clearly and they talk about things that are happening. For example, when I finished college, I was studying at CIT but people just assumed I wasn't doing anything and I was on the bus and these girls my age behind me were saying "She doesn't have a job!" and the other one went "Does she even go to school?" I know it sounds like they could have been talking about someone else, but they really weren't. Even now, people from school will say things like "Get a job!" when they walk past me even though I have a job. (They just assume that I'm not doing anything still).

I use to use a forum when I wasn't well mentally and they still talk about things I said on there from a really long time ago. I know I said a lot of really dumb things when I was younger and they don't seem to know I know that they were dumb and they just won't let go. I genuinely think I've gotten a lot more mature since then but they don't care.

Even before I had my episode, people would talk about me a lot.

[Peppapig1]

Thats horrible that those girls are talking about you loud enough so you can hear. No one likes a bully. Did you know Taylor Swift was bullied in school and now she's famous. My nanny on my mums side and my uncle on my mums side have paranoid schizophrenia because they had head trauma incidents. My professionals have a suspicion it was the illegal substances that caused my schizophrenia. Expressing how you feel and seeking help or advice doesn't make the things you said dumb every body has mental health life is tough and being bullied doubles the toughness. What you said is how you feel and we'll where humans and we have feelings. It's ok to cry and it's ok to be sad. But if you feel sad like depressed everyday then you should ask your gp or professionals about anti depressants. I'm actually currently coming off my anti depressant I'm excited I believe I'm ready I've suffered for so long and I believe I can handle life now without anti depressants so wish me luck 🤞 

[Earth Girl]

Yeah, I agree, they shouldn't say that when I'm right there. A lot of people talk about me while I'm in the same room as them. I love Taylor Swift too! That's true, she did get bullied, but now things are going really well for her.

That's also true that those sorts of substances and head injuries can cause schizophrenia as well.

It wasn't expressing how I feel about things that I thought was dumb or talking about my problems, it was more just some things I said that weren't very nice, but I've grown a lot since then. 

I had depression for a long time when I was younger, but I don't have it anymore which is really good since depression is horrible.

I'm so glad that you sound like you are feeling a lot better than before. I hope all goes well when you come off your anti depressants and that it doesn't come back! Thanks so much for your support! 🙂