I think I have borderline...

[erin000]

Hey everyone,

Im 24 and still struggle to know where I fit in, in life. I have always felt this way and always struggled to find a career or direction that I feel content in. I will have intense ideas to make dramatic change in my life and convince myself it will make me happier, I always try and hold back on making big changes as I know it’s impulse. I have always felt odd or like people don’t approve of me, and carry this into every situation.

It’s always been challenging to make friends and when I do they almost always struggle mentally themselves (relationships also). They are all intelligent/ switched on individuals but usually are quite self loathing and erratic with their friendships, I find myself constantly trying to please them and seek validation even if they are a bad friend. I romanticise validation and find myself day dreaming about situations where I feel validation or admiration (usually socially).

I consistently over analyse conversations after they have happened and scour through what I should have said, my inner voice telling me that I’m an idiot which usually sends me into a spiral of anxiety. I can never switch off my mind, it’s a loud and overwhelming place to be.

I generally am quite irritable, especially with my family members and find it hard to accept help, love or empathy from them and others. I am really sensitive to rejection and find it leads me to be relatively depressed, this could be as little as a guy not getting back to me or even a small amount of constructive feedback at work. I generally internalise it and can cope quite well but I get to the point where I feel like I’ll burst.

I have never self harmed or attempted suicide. I have thought about no longer being here and how it would be easier but knew I would never action those feelings.

I’m really struggling to feel safe and secure within my daily life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PamelaR]

Hi Erin and welcome to Beyond Blue

Life is sounding incredibly difficult. My heart goes out to you and want to let you know, it's safe here and the community is friendly and supportive.

The title of your post is I think I have borderline ........ - have you been to your doctor or a health professional to discuss how you feel? I know it isn't easy, but it might be a good starting place?

How you've described your life is how I've lived mine. Those voices in the back of your head telling you the stories about what people think and feel about you. They've been with me for a long while now. The doctor has never diagnosed me with borderline. They have diagnosed me with PTSD, anxiety and depression.

Going over conversations is something I always do. I've put this down to my OCD (part of my anxiety). So since you are recognising what you do in your head is a good place to be. It means you are reflecting on yourself and your behaviours. My thoughts are, the next step is changing the stories you tell yourself. To analyse them with a different lens. My psychologist first got me to talk with someone about what I thought - to get some reality of my thought patterns. Basically because of my trust issues, I use to use her (i.e. my psychologist), rather than a friend or family member. It helped. I can now talk with my hubby and he helps me to be a bit more realistic.

Those things you say about finding it difficult to accept love, empathy, help and the feelings of rejection - have all been part of my being too. I have done a lot of work with my psychologists over the past 9-10 years and I now find it easier to accept these things and feel a little less rejected. It's a work in progress, but progress it is when I think about how I used to be.

I also went onto medication about 7-8 years ago now. I'm sure this has also assisted in my healing.

Feel free to browse our forums and to join conversations. You're not alone Erin.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[LesDave]

I am late 50s and it's been with me all my life. What helped me (you can find videos on YouTube) was self awareness and ACT - acceptance, commitment therapy. Next move onto understanding toxic shame. Most of us with it can find things in our childhood like abuse, neglect, trauma, or exposure to things kids should not deal with. ACT is really great for dealing with the talk going on in your head. It is arguments with the past, and unrealistic fears about the future. When you become aware of your own feelings and presence in the present moment, you acknowledge the presence of those thoughts, but agree not to engage with them. Just let them hang around in your head. "I acknowledge I am having thoughts about being scared I'll lose my job. You can stay in my head, but I'm not going to argue or engage with you", then get back to focusing on what is here and now in front of you. That's the ONLY reality. The rest if fantasy. It's really hard to develop self awareness and enable ACT, but over a few months you will get much better at it, and believe me, you'll feel like a new person. Also, find some friends and do some hobbies or activities that forces you to mingle and enjoy other people.