Hi there,
I'm very sorry you're going through this. These thoughts, about not mattering, feeling alone, no one caring about you, and I'm guessing feeling like the world is a bit of a sham... these are not uncommon thoughts with depression.
Depression can be so much more than just 'inexplicable, long-lasting sadness' as so many websites put it. It hijacks your general mentality and twists your thinking, reasoning and everything that you perceive into its worst possible form. You may already be well aware of this, and I hope you are, because it's a really important thing to understand. Your thinking is as much a symptom of the depression as the feelings.
I also have big issues with opening up to people. I don't want to stir up any nasty thoughts, but why do you think you can't share. Do you feel ashamed of the depression? Do you not want anyone else to worry about you? Generally I think it's always healthy to question why we think certain things.
When it comes to psychologists, their ability to help you is entirely dependent on how honest you are with them. Three or four sessions is really nowhere near enough time for them to build a solid understanding of how your mind works. Until they understand you, they cannot provide the personalised help that you need, instead they'll just be giving general advice which you clearly feel is not helping. So I would strongly encourage you to reconsider seeing a psychologist again, but I must emphasise the importance of being honest with them. They're bound by confidentiality.
Self harm can be so dangerous, please please please be careful.
Please feel free to post back here if you want to talk more about this or anything else that's on your mind.
Felix
