I'm tired

imbadwithnames · ‎09-07-2020

Hi! I grew up not being allowed to go to therapy or to the doctor, no matter how bad it got. My family never understood mental health illness, said I was being "emotional" and "hormonal" and to stop being rediculous.

As you can imagine, I left my family when I was very young to go to university elsewhere. After I left them, I went a doctor and he gave me a mental health check, to which he looked me straight in the face and said "You are the most mentally ill person I have ever met" (thanks... doc)

I went and saw one therapist for 2 sessions and she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, but then I stopped seeing her as I ran out of time and exams were coming up and I just didn't care about myself enough anymore.

I had a complete mental breakdown last year and went back into therapy (about... 2 years? after my last session). I went to a different therapist, and she additionally diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, but also PTSD from past abuse, a very severe eating disorder, potential autism and dyslexia, even possible Schizophrenia. She retired last last year and I cannot work up the courage to go and dig up all my past again with another therapist. Not yet.

It should be noted, BOTH of these therapists told me to go to a doctor and get medication, but I never did. My depression told me I was useless and never going to be anything, so save the medication for someone who isn't going to be a useless lump of flesh. The thing that I needed the medication for prevented me from getting it. I have a very strong "You are a failure" complex that I cannot shake no matter how hard I work.

Now, I have graduated and wasn't able to get a job before shutdown. I am living paycheck to paycheck in an extremely toxic evironment with people who hate me for being mentally ill and am terrified of myself and my own thoughts. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating at all (as I write this, has been 24 hours), I need to get out but I cannot afford to. I can't even move back home with my parents (not that that would help, but it would get me out of here) as all of the borders around my state are closed and noone can get in or out due to Covid.

I have my online friends (no IRL friends, clinical social anxiety) who love and care for me, I am not fighting for myself anymore, I'm fighting for them. I don't think I am going to do anything drastic but I'm just... so tired, you know? I'm sick of the cliche "It'll get better". I've been suffering for half my life... when?

imbadwithnames · ‎20-07-2020

Hey guys!

Not really the update I wanted to give, but unfortunately I got turned down from the properties I applied for, they didn't say why. Unfortunately, this leaves me in a place where I have no choice but to go back to my parents. I'm not sure how I am going to do it, I have a lot of furniture and stuff that I have no idea how to get rid of, but I will have to figure it out. Funny how awful housemates can completely ruin your life, huh?

I'm trying my best to think that this is out of my hands, not my fault and there is no point being upset about it, but that's not exactly the easiest thing when you know you are going back into an environment where you won't be respected and you won't be allowed to go to doctors and therapists because "There is nothing wrong with you, you are just hormonal". Not to mention when I get back I will need to go into 2 weeks quarentine away from the family house and I know my family will go through all of my stuff which will have to be left in the house unattended while I am quarentining. I will also have to do a mutiple day drive alone in a very old car and go through borders that are meant to be closed and stuff so I'm pretty stressed and have no idea how I am going to do that but again, I have no choice, so I just have to suck it up and do it.

As you can probably read, I am not having the best of times right now, but I don't really have any other options to go to. I've had a couple of panic attacks at the thought of going back but it's just something I will have to deal with. It's hard to be feeling better and thinking things might be starting to go your way and then life just laughs in your face, but I'll be alright. I have to be, right? I don't have a choice. If I keep telling myself that it's going to be alright, then maybe it'll come true, manifestation and all that.

I know a lot of you were invested in my story and for that I thank you, but I think the interest is misplaced. Thank you for your kind words though. Stay safe and healthy guys.