I'm tired

[imbadwithnames]

Hi! I grew up not being allowed to go to therapy or to the doctor, no matter how bad it got. My family never understood mental health illness, said I was being "emotional" and "hormonal" and to stop being rediculous.

As you can imagine, I left my family when I was very young to go to university elsewhere. After I left them, I went a doctor and he gave me a mental health check, to which he looked me straight in the face and said "You are the most mentally ill person I have ever met" (thanks... doc)

I went and saw one therapist for 2 sessions and she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, but then I stopped seeing her as I ran out of time and exams were coming up and I just didn't care about myself enough anymore.

I had a complete mental breakdown last year and went back into therapy (about... 2 years? after my last session). I went to a different therapist, and she additionally diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, but also PTSD from past abuse, a very severe eating disorder, potential autism and dyslexia, even possible Schizophrenia. She retired last last year and I cannot work up the courage to go and dig up all my past again with another therapist. Not yet.

It should be noted, BOTH of these therapists told me to go to a doctor and get medication, but I never did. My depression told me I was useless and never going to be anything, so save the medication for someone who isn't going to be a useless lump of flesh. The thing that I needed the medication for prevented me from getting it. I have a very strong "You are a failure" complex that I cannot shake no matter how hard I work.

Now, I have graduated and wasn't able to get a job before shutdown. I am living paycheck to paycheck in an extremely toxic evironment with people who hate me for being mentally ill and am terrified of myself and my own thoughts. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating at all (as I write this, has been 24 hours), I need to get out but I cannot afford to. I can't even move back home with my parents (not that that would help, but it would get me out of here) as all of the borders around my state are closed and noone can get in or out due to Covid.

I have my online friends (no IRL friends, clinical social anxiety) who love and care for me, I am not fighting for myself anymore, I'm fighting for them. I don't think I am going to do anything drastic but I'm just... so tired, you know? I'm sick of the cliche "It'll get better". I've been suffering for half my life... when?

[Sophie_M]

Hi i'mbadwithnames,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We are so grateful that you have reached out here tonight as we know it can be tough to do this for the first time. We are so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low and so tired. We understand that this feeling must be overwhelming, but please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully a few of them will pop by and offer you some words of kindness and advice. 

It's great to hear that you have reached out to mental health professionals in the past. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. We recognise that this must be an overwhelming situation for you, but we just wanted you to know that there is always help available to you. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

If you would like some extra support to talk through these feelings, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the firendly counsellors can also help you to find the best support for you, whenever you are ready.

In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are always available to you during your most difficult moments:

•  Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
•  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.
 

[Croix]

Dear I'mbadwithnames~

I thogh I might pop in and see how you are, it has been a few days since you met Sophie_M. I hope some of what she said was useful, her links are good.

I see you graduated -congratulations. It is not an easy thing, requiring long-term determination and application. It says a lot about you. A success.

I suppose having been brought up being told that there was little wrong with you and mental health conditions a distant ill-understood fact that you have no realy placed an awful lot of determination with the medical profession, who are ,as in my case, the ones who really can help.

I have been on continuous medication for very many years, it is little in the way of an inconvenience and plays huge dividends, and still have therapy, which gives me a sense of proportion and perspective.

An eating disorder is dangerous, and the other mix of diagnoses might be OK, however just concentrating on depression and anxiety, and finding someone to assist there would be a huge step forward. If you find it does no good, well you are in charge, tell them, and if that does not work change to others. It is worth an awful lot of effort to feel there is hope and you feel more able to cope.

If you cannot get out use telehealth which I believe is being bulk-billed just at the moment (please check)

I'm glad you have friends , even remote ones, trying to go it all alone is very hard.

Please do come back and talk some more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello I'mbadwithnames, it's never easy opening up to people you don't know, but then sometimes it maybe a better option, so thank you.

Bringing up past mistakes, people are often talking to themselves about the areas of their lives they think they need to improve but haven't made progress, the problem is that if you don't obtain any help, then you only dig yourself a deeper outcome.

I was in denial and that stopped me from getting any help, whereas if I sought the assistance from my doctor who suggested counselling, then I'd be one step ahead and I can only say this in hindsight.

Due to the lockdown, it does make your situation more difficult, and whether or not you could move back with your parents could be a concern, simply because 'they never understood mental health illness'.

Depression tells us and makes us feel awful, although I'm not qualified to say, but from experience, I know, just as other people may agree in their own way, it's a debilitating illness and feel so very sorry for you.

We hope you can come back and talk to us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Lillipilli80]

Hi i'mbadwithnames,

I just wanted to add that finding the right therapist can be really hard. Its certainly a daunting experience having to retell your story and receive the same (or possibly new diagnoses) to a new person only to work out that this one doesn't quite fit, or they are leaving etc. Understandably the thought of that would be tiring. I hope when you feel stronger that you can find a therapist that fits and understands you because as many people on these forums can attest, it does help to have a good therapist. I don't want to comment on your choice to not take medication other than to say thats your choice and you are brave.

Also amazing job on graduating from university. This achievement requires dedication, discipline and determination. Maybe you could try and draw on these strengths when you are feeling 'useless' because you are clearly not.

I hope you got a good night sleep. Please check back in here and tell us how you are going.

[imbadwithnames]

Hi guys! Sorry it's been a little while, I've been dealing with some things.

I am feeling much better, sleeping better (still at very weird times (5am - 11am) but hey, you take what you can get, right?). Still struggling with the eating thing but getting there.

I applied for my first rental property in my state today (YAY!) (I spoke to some people and they are going to loan me the money to get on my feet as they can see how much danger I am in staying here). It's something I have been almost scared to do but once I hit that send button the relief that came over me was amazing. Now that I've done the first one, I should be out of these extremely toxic environment with people who live to make me upset and discriminate against me for mental illness.

One of my best friends, while he doesn't know everything that is going on, makes a point to reach out to me every day and tell me how much he cares about me which has been a big help. Just having him there, he doesn't treat me with pity like a lot of people do when they find out about my illness, because he doesn't know a lot of it. He treats me with genuine love and care for who I actaully am, and that is something I have never really had before, so having him around has been great.

Thank you all for your replies! Reading them made me tear up because noone that I talk to has really fully understood me before, yet I feel like you guys did so fast, and that is very comforting. Once it gets a little less scary to go outside in my state, I will be going to find another therpaist, and will go see a doctor to discuss medications I was supposed to be on a long time ago.

I know this feeling of comfort (and... not happiness but not sadness, you know?) is temporary, and I need to take action while I feel like this, so when I inevitably take a downfall (because thats the fun of depression), I am more ready to tackle it.

Thank you all again, and I will keep you updated on what is going on ❤️

[Croix]

Dear I'mbadwithnames~

I'm very glad for you that things are picking up.

I'd suggest you get as many preparations as you can done right now, that might even mean finding a doc to start with via Telehealth (I think it is still bulk-billed at the moment). It my well be that when you have arrived you find meds do in fact help -they've helped me for umpteen years, and side effects have not been an issue.

That friend of yours sounds a lovely person, and seems to know what to say that you can respond to without feeling talked down to or there is no understanding - great!

One of the nice things abut this Forum is it reaches everywhere there is internet, makes no difference where you post from, it all seems the same, so you can still talk as much as you'd like

Croix

[Guest_1643]

hey i'm badwithnames

It's hard to find a therapist and stick with it, especially without support. I think you've done amazing, and I'm really proud and impressed!

Congrats on all the work you did caring for yourself to leave that toxic environment. Step by step is sometimes the best way, and I see someone who is taking some beautiful steps x here for you. Congrats again!!!

[geoff]

Hello I'mbadwithnames, please just take one day at a time because when you are feeling and been through what you have, then any enormous plans that are made well in advance tend to confuse how we are thinking.

Sometimes we can be influenced by toxic people, believing they are only trying to help us, when in fact all they are doing is manipulating us into going along with them, causing more harm, and that's what we don't want to happen.

Take care.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello i'mbadwithnames

Welcome to the forum, I am so pleased you found us. As everyone has said, so many people posting in here have been through bad circumstances and we understand how dreadful it can be. As Croix has said, please get as many aids in place while you have the energy. We all know we have bad days so setting yourself up with safe places and people is vital.

Have you moved into your new home? I'm sure you will feel much happier and safer when you do.

I have a suggestion for you. When you talk to your doctor about a new therapist can you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist? I have suggested this as a psychiatrist can also prescribe medication and tell you how it works and what you can expect to happen. It's not a cure but will help you to cope with all the difficulties in your life. I know the word psychiatrist often has people running to the door. I have been going to a psychiatrist for many years and found a great deal of help.

I'm not making this suggestion because I see a psychiatrist but because there are definite advantages one of which is long term cost. Psychiatrist's fees always get you a Medicare rebate.

I think we all can relate to believing we are not worthwhile people. Certainly that's true for me and it is hard to believe in yourself, especially being brought to believe you do not have much value. You are a bright person with skills and determination which can take you out of the dysfunctional mental health world and into the world of good mental health. You have come this far and tackled many obstacles which could have made you lose faith in yourself and give up. I hope you take up Sophie_M's suggestion and contact the people in her email. It's a good start to getting help.

Information is always useful and I suggest you browse Beyond Blue's information. Go to the Get Support and The Facts tabs at the top of the page and browse through the various options.You will find a lot of useful information there.

Please keep posting here where we can continue to support you.

Mary