I'm stuck I don't have control

[geelt]

For the past week I've been draining myself mentally worrying over nothing. Using my brain power going in circles. I just want to stop and scream in frustration that nothing is going well. I'm one setback away from just losing it.

Everything is a distraction.

So much going in circles. I don't know what I want to do career wise so I'm trying to find entry level work. I'm too stuck to go study. I want something to at least get me out of this cycle of not doing anything. Something to get me out of the house away from home something to commit to. I can't find any work. My employment service is fed up with me always not getting the job after interviews.I'm being treated like an idiot and I hate it, but I can't refute because I'm an idiot. They're asking me why I want to work in retail, because they keep giving me retail jobs to apply for. Because entry level retail is all I can do. Because I keep telling them I'm not well enough mentally to handle a job and want to focus on my mental health so they tell me to apply for retail jobs. Then after not being able to find retail work they say why do you want to do retail when you aren't suited for retail, you should think about what you want to do, go back to study. I don't blame the employers I go to for interviews. Who would want to hire a disheveled mess of a candidate who is trying not to break down someone who has no confidence and is desperate with no meaningful experience.

Best case is I find a job I don't like but I have to suck it up because its the best I'm going to get. Then after doing a job I cant stand I have to go home to a place I cant stand with people I cant stand. People who make me deal with their problems and if i say no they make more problems. And if I rty to escape they make more problems. I wish I had a healthy family. I wish I had a healthy home life but everyone hates eachother and no one can communicate with eachother no one is willing to change.

I'm spending every day not being able to think properly getting pushed around by everyone. I'm trying strategies I've learnt but they dont work. I try my best not to lose it and reframe my thoughts and stay grounded. It doesnt work. I try to stay in the moment but the present just makes me mad. I try not to dwell on the past, try to rationalise my thoughts try to understand why I'm thinking the way I am but it doesnt go anywhere. I try waking up every morning to go for a walk then it rains. I try to go outside the birds my sibling keeps feeding attack me. I tell him to stop feeding birds so they get dependant on him and he starts raising bugs to feed them. Now theyre exhausting themselves by attacking their reflections and pooping everywhere.

I go on a diet to lose weight and my dad keeps buying fatty meat and snacks and if I dont eat it he will get mad and start making life miserable because no one loves him. I hate cooking steaks. I hate being called master chef by my mum. communication doesnt work for those who cant communicate.

In the end I havent tried enough and its my fault. I have to stop trying to fix things. I have to wait for everything to crumble and collapse so i can escape the rubble and move on with life.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi geelt,

Welcome back, but I see things are still a struggle for you in trying to find work, family harmony, and independence.
I recall you have been addressing your weight health with exercise, so retail/sales (being not very active) would seem counterproductive.

Perhaps ☀️warehouse work (packing and stacking) would provide some small advantage to maintain fitness while getting you out of the house and providing financial incentive.

Another thought, given you feel trapped at home, is to consider ☀️fruit picking if you can manage the hours. Hard work, long hours, but it would give you the desired distance between you and family (days or weeks at a time) while restoring self worth and independence.

💡️If you don't mind one criticism from me, I feel you are placing too much emphasis on the thoughts and minds of other people (and birds!) which might only be stifling your efforts to break free and discover your true self.

It may not matter one jot what job you do as long as you find it for yourself.
A good job is not always about what the duties are, and simply doing something in a healthily supportive environment (or extricating yourself from a constricting one) is often enough to develop a passion for work by incorporating your own vision over time.

Indeed, it is ☀️you who formulates the career in learning what works and what doesn't, and constantly adjusting your ideals and expectations to hone your (untapped) talents is the very foundation of experience and self discovery.