Moving abroad

[MEL88]

I moved overseas 9 months ago for a sporting opportunity for my son and brought my husband and 2 younger kids and my eldest daughter with me. I've been so homesick and my eldest daughter decided to move home after a few months as she missed her life back in NZ. I haven't really coped with this and missing out on her life and achievements and I feel so much guilt. I've been struggling with depression for months now and I contemplate going home everyday I don't like the job I'm doing and am just a miserable person to be around. I know this sounds so selfish as I moved here to support my son but I just can't find peace with being here. I haven't made friends and just feel constantly lonely even though I've got my other children with me. How can I decide to leave and go back home or embrace this opportunity in this country and stop being so sad and miserable. 

[Scared]

Wow wow wow.   You moved o/s for your son.  I wish I had parents like that.  Forgive me but I have never heard of anyone doing that.  I think if you can do that then you have the drive to return home also.   I understand sacrifices for our children but the whole family seems too much to displace for just a sport.   Why are there no opportunities back home for your son.   Why cant your son stay alone.  Pls dont call yourself selfish. You have shown us all your not.   Sort your son out and give youself permission to go back home because NOTHING on Gods earth is worth Mental illness.  We all on BBlue value our mental health and we suffer so much so dont tempt depression any further because its an horrendous life long battle of misery and torment once it gets hold.

[Darcy2020]

Hey Mel,

I'm sending you lots of compassion through the screen - it sounds like it's been a really tough nine months.  Moving overseas can be so, so hard. Everything is different, the foods in the grocery stores, the doctor's offices, the birds and the accents and the faces walking down the street. There's no shame is struggling with that. It shakes up your whole world and anyone would need a really strong support system to get through it. Of course, the problem with moving overseas is you can be distanced from your support system, and it's perfectly rational to need more than (most) of your children with you to feel connected.  

My first suggestion would be to show yourself some compassion too. This is really hard. I imagine if your son moved over for sport that he's playing at a highly competitive and stressful level, and sounds like you've felt a lot of guilt from your daughter moving back home. That's a lot for one person. It's hard and it's okay that it feels hard.

As for moving home, I think that's a decision only you can know and you should trust in your ability to make it, even when your emotions feel a bit untrustworthy at the moment. When I'm anxious and have to make big decisions, I find yoga or meditations really helpful to get out of my head and into my body. It just helps me sit with my gut feelings rather than my mind (which is never going to let me win). I do both of those for free - for yoga I watch a youtube channel called WellWithHells and meditations I use a Headspace interactive special on Netflix.

Finding connection is also important. Do you have friends and family back home you can lean on? Technology has really made it so much easier to connect with our loved ones overseas, and they might give you the taste of home you've been craving, even just for a moment. They also know you best, and they can help talk you through any decisions you have to make. Facetime is your new best friend. I also love WorldTimeBuddy to help calculate time differences.

If you don't have anyone to talk to, or struggle leaning on friends like I do, calling services like Beyond Blue can really help. It's what they're there for, so don't be ashamed to draw on them.

If you can, it may also be helpful to make little efforts to find connection in your new place overseas. It sounds like you have, and you've found it hard, which is perfectly understandable. But it's worth it to keep trying. These things don't happen overnight, and it's not a default in you that you can't fix. You will make friends eventually in time, and even if you do decide to move home, I imagine the logistics might take a little while and feeling some sense of in person connection through that might help.

On the smallest level, seek out mini connections wherever you can. I'm talking walk to the coffee shop with your kids and chat to the barrista. Avoid the automated checkout at the grocers and ask the person bagging your food how their day is. Go to the hairdressers and ask your hairdresser for gossip. I know that all sounds daunting, and more often than not it won't lead to the world's most meaningful connection. But its something you can start today, and I find remembering that you are always connected to other humans really powerful. 

To make longer/more medium term friends overseas, join a gym class, perhaps one with a crèche if your kids are young. Many have free trial periods which you can use when finances are tight. There's also lots of running/walking/swimming clubs for people who want to make friends popping up all over social media. Search for activities like that in your area. Also on social media, particularly facebook, are community groups for expats all over the place. I promise there are lots of people around you who would love more connection in their life too.

I think a lot of things in life just take a moment of bravery. A split second to tell your husband your struggling. To press call to a friend back home or to a counselling service. To ask your barrista a question or approach someone after your gym class for a coffee. Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's the doing it anyway. All you need is a seconds' worth of bravery.

I hope you stay kind to yourself and start to feel some peace wherever you decide to be. And I hope that taking these steps will help you squash your guilt too - no one can say you didn't try.

[randomxx]

Hi op.

You say "you" brought hub and kids with you , they sound like a handbag , but he is your partner and they are your kids . Yet you talk of only you but where is your hub in all of this and what's he think about it all, and your other kids.?

Are you and your h supporting ea other and the kids and what are the kids thinking of it all and how are they handling it, h also actually ?

Does your h wanna come home, do the other kids ?

At any rate , if so then l agree with scared again and think you all should make a decision. How old is the son with the sport ?  lf old enough then considering the whole family has gone over too , if "they" aren't happy either, then how about you all come home, what does h wanna do ? Maybe you guys come home and he stays for he's sport l mean that is very common with career athletes. lf he's old enough it may even become a really nice part of his life and experience as he goes along .

Anyway, for what it's worth personally, l think you should all talk about where your all at and do accordingly from there.

RX