I'm scared

[x_BLUE_MOON_x]

I am an adult woman with ADHD, autism, specific language impairment and maybe undiagnosed OCD. I also struggle with anger issues, impulse control problems, trauma, and guilt. I have been going through a very difficult period for over a year, mainly due to severe perfectionism. Because of this, I feel that my mental health has significantly worsened.

This is extremely difficult for me to admit, and please don't judge me, but I have been torturing bugs, mainly crickets, because of their loud mating noises. These noises are very distressing to me and feel like mental torture. When I become overwhelmed and angry, I sometimes lose control and act impulsively.

Afterward, I sometimes think, “I shouldn’t have done that,” and I feel a small amount of remorse for the bug, along with feeling like a horrible person. Other times, I have thoughts such as, “You deserved it for mentally torturing me,” and “You deserved to be punished.”

Only my parents are aware of this. I have not told anyone else, and I haven't even told my psychologist this because I feel too embarrassed and ashamed. I am terrified that I'm maybe a bad person or even a psychopath. I want to be a good person.

I am in the process of finding a psychiatrist. I am not taking medication for ADHD at this time. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Alikiwi]

I don't know a lot, but I do know that by coming here and admitting what's going on proves you're not a bad person. Sounds way beyond frustrating for you, and seeking help is the sensible thing to do. No way can you resolve all this without proper help. I would suggest talking to your GP about whether or not med for ADHD would help, and I believe he/she would have to refer you to a specialist for that anyway.

[ViolettaZ]

Hi x_BLUE_MOON_x,

Thank you for opening up to us.

Having neurodiversity, such as ADHD or autism, can make you more sensitive to strong lights or loud sounds, which can easily lead to sensory overload. As you mentioned, the noise of crickets can be particularly overwhelming because of their loud mating calls. It’s clear that you're not trying to torture the bugs, and from your words, I sense that you actually feel some sympathy towards them. You’re simply unable to tolerate the noise.

A counselor is someone we turn to for support, and you are always free to choose what you wish to share or withhold—both are perfectly normal. If you find it difficult to open up in face-to-face sessions, you might want to consider Beyond Blue’s free telephone and online counseling services as an alternative.

Whether or not to take medication depends on how much your ADHD is impacting your life. It might be helpful to have a detailed discussion with your psychiatrist about this.

Take care of yourself:)

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

[trying_my_best]

Hi @x_BLUE_MOON_x

As the others have said, the fact that your trying to seek help and talking about your experience on here really shows your not a bad person. 

I am currently in the process of getting diagnosed for ADHD, and I also work as a support worker and I am aware that sensory stimulation especially that of bugs like the ones you mention can be super overwhelming! I get really overwhelmed by crickets as well, especially when they’re loud and all I can hear. Until you can get in to see a psychiatrist would it maybe be worth looking into something that can help with managing your overstimulation from the bugs? I know many who are sensitive to sounds use headphones? I find it helpful for me. I wish I could be of more help but so happy to see you here x