I’m feeling super lonely and feel like a loser

Alecia1407

I’m 38 and I feel like I’m isolated. I have no friends. In fact I just turned 39, and I spent it alone. I feel like I spend every day at home with my thoughts spinning. I wasn’t like this when I was 26. I was isolated and strong. I still didn’t see friends, but I had ambition and positive hopes and dreams like direction and I also could maintain relationships. When I finished with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years in 2013, I went online to fish for connection like a relationship intimacy, and I came across a guy who knew that I was isolated without friends and knew that I was in denial about a sickness I’ve been carrying my whole life so he psychologically brought it out of me use me and left me pregnant. I’m sorry to say alone when I was 26 when I asked him for answers and questions. He went to the police and asked him for an intervention order, cause I was harassing him, which got thrown out Before 26 I hadn’t been out socially connecting with groups of friends since I was 18 it kind of faded away when I was 19 I’ve been going home in and out of mum‘s place and then she would get frustrated because I had no friends so she’d kick me out. And then I’d have to go into share houses. There I met my ex A who used to physically assault me and brutally bash me for 3 1/2 years. I felt like I was locked into the relationship the police arrested him. I haven’t been close with my dad since I was 15, my mum and dad are divorced my mum‘s an irresponsible parent police have said this. And my three other sisters have moved away from my mum so far away my real sister Ana has moved to Canada. The guy who psychologically affected and attacked me his name was J. Who I met online psychologically affected me so much that I was carrying him around like a dead horse in my mind. My mum knew that, so she brutally affected me even more by attacking people’s property like share houses my housemates property, the horrible experience, but she would tell them that it was me and I was out of control when it wasn’t. The police knew they were there. I’ve been carrying that around as well since 2015. I’ve had no intimacy relationships, marriage, socially been out for 13 years since my domestic violence relationship gone. And now I’m at home alone. I’m trying to reach out to my Nanna, but she doesn’t want to help. She just directs me into the arms of mental health. It’s sad because she only lives in the same suburb over to me. The only person I see is S this guy who I’ve been connecting with for six years. He’s got kids and I met him when I was 18 and he said that he wanted to marry me when I was 18.

melodica

Hello Alecia1407,

I hear the heaviness in your words. What you're describing isn't weakness or being a "loser", it's the weight of years of betrayal and abandonment by people who should have protected you.

Loneliness like this can be crushing. It sits in your chest and makes the days feel endless, and I say this from my own experience too, I know what it's like to not have a large support network around me. What you’re feeling makes sense in the context of everything you’ve been through, and you’re not alone in feeling it.

What stands out to me is how much you’ve survived, an abusive relationship, betrayal from Joel, a mum who added to your pain instead of easing it, and family who moved far away. Holding all of that on your own, for this long, is a huge amount, and none of it means there’s anything wrong with you as a person.

I don’t have a simple fix for the loneliness; nobody does, but sometimes a small thing that brings a flicker of joy, even a short walk outside, can offer a bit of relief, even if only for a moment. It doesn’t rewrite the bigger story, yet those small moments of ease matter, and you deserve them.

I also want you to know there is support available right now. The Beyond Blue Support Service counsellors are there 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach them by webchat or email through the Beyond Blue website. You don’t have to sit with this completely on your own tonight.

Alecia1407

Thankyou. I am taking care of myself tonight. But I havnt been The last 6 months. Ita really difficult when all I actually feel like doing is crying when I come across strangers. I know they want to help. If they could see me cry but I’m exhausted from the phycological misstreatment phycological abuse from Joel. I’ve been in Ed searching for comfort support and meds with help. But they havnt gotten to me. Or let me explain my situation.

Alecia1407

hi I thought I’d also add that I have PTSD. and with everything I’ve gone through diagnosed with absolute head trauma. sometimes to take the edge off i have medication or something that should help but I don’t have a regular GP that I see.

Alecia1407

hi again

thankyou for replying to my post.

Im super keen to be talk to someone and super keen to be social but no one wants to talk to me